Can someone help me understand my feelings about the death of my former mother-in-law?

Question

I didn't know she was sick; she didn't even tell my daughter. We've butted heads over the years since her son (my first husband) died, especially after I remarried. She always gave her granddaughter (my daughter with her son) more presents at Christmas, for example. She always criticized my other husbands (I remarried twice, and okay maybe they weren't great choices) and continued to talk badly about the last one, who I remain friends with. We had a final falling out when she asked for a ring belonging to her son, and I said no. It's all I have of his.

When my daughter told me she had died, I felt nothing at first. Then I felt like crying. Then I felt angry, mostly confused, not knowing how to feel. I woke up this morning wishing we had ironed out our differences, even though I had tried when she was alive. No chance to do that now. I cried my eyes out in the shower. I still don't know how to feel. Her son was an awesome person, so I know she raised him well & I admire her for that.

Anyway, the ongoing confusion is unsettling. I think maybe it's brought back unresolved grief from being widowed, but I don't even know that for sure. Any suggestions, advice, ideas?

I just have to say ... you folks are all simply awesome, in the true sense of the word. Each one of you has offered me real, thoughtful insight in one way or another, and it has brought more tears, and along with them the understanding I have been seeking.

I wish you all a wonderful holiday today; and know that one thing I will be giving thanks for is YOU.

Answer 1

No psych major here, but it is entirely possible that your M-I-L struck out at the closest thing to her son she could...she had to blame something or someone for her loss, and in her grief, you became her target....you took him from her, then you "killed" him off. I know this sounds ridiculous, but people get into very circular thinking, with each circle, more twisted. She clung to the nearest thing of her son's she had, her grand daughter....she did for her what she would have done for the three of you had he lived. She lived a life of anger in that you would not live yours as a living memorial to his memory (You remarried!). Asking for the ring was gauche', certainly beneath class. But, let's give her a break and hope it was to give to her grand daughter. And of course you resented her...you were grieving also, yet she did not comfort you as a mother would. You do not need to iron out the differences, for they are ironed out. She now knows what she has done, and I am sure that, in the near future, you will recieve signs of this. Keep your heart open, forgive her stupidity ( no one can possibly understand how others grieve)...she could not understand you, and vice versa. Forgive her and forgive yourself..that is the kindest thing you can do for your first husband and his daughter. Again, signs will come and you will recognize them for what they are...you will probably end up laughing with her before this is finished. Take it from one who has been there....it will happen,and what you are going through is absolutely normal. Peace and love, Goldwing

Answer 2

This is going to sound trite but just take one day at a time. You probably called the shot when you said it may have brought out some unresolved issues from your first husband's death.

Everyone grieves differently but many things are common to all. The shoulda - woulda - coulda's will always surface... If you tried to resolve your differences with her and she chose not to reciprocate - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! There's nothing more you could have done.

You say you respected her and there was probably more love than you actually indicated (after all she was the mother of your first husband) so you will grieve...

My suggestions: Find a grief support group in your area and attend a few sessions. Visit some mutual friends (your daughter for example) and talk about her and particularly your feelings if you can trust them with such information.

Talking will help to get the feelings out into the open where you will be able to work your way through them.

Although I only know your alias here I will add you to my prayer list and I'm sure that God will know who I'm talking about.

Blessings,
john

EDIT: Dashloc said it right... NORMAL grieving process. And Goldwing made an excellent point about the circular thinking which becomes more and more convoluted.

Answer 3

You are just having mixed feelings about her. More than likely she did not like the ideal of you marrying another man after the death of her son. Some mothers are this way. But the fact remains that you did have the right to a new life with someone else and to start over again. Sorry for your loss and hers.

I know when my own brother passed away (almost 3 years ago now), both of my parents were hoping that the daughter in law would in fact find another good man. She did find her another one as time went by. Both of my parents are happy for her.

Since your mother in law has already passed on, you can not make piece with her now, but you can make piece with your self. Just know that you did in fact do the right thing. You have the right to find happiness again. Just because you found someone else to love does not mean that you did not love him.

Answer 4

Hi, I kind of know what you are going through, I felt a little like this when my Father in Law died, my Husband died 13 yr ago this coming January, I never really got on with his Dad, but as we lived 200 miles away it wasn't to much of a problem, I also felt guilty in the fact that I was angry that his young son had died before him, but after a few years I also heard of his death and had the same feelings like you, and you are right it is confusing, but is also natural, just go with your feelings and let it out, it will get better and you will begin to accept that all these feelings are part of the grieving process, and I truly believe in this situation it's bound to open up all feelings or unsettled feelings from the past, so please don't worry, it will get better xx

Answer 5

Maybe you loved her more than you ever realized. Probably because she was the mother of a husband you really loved. You now have to go through all the stages of grief, which obviously you are very familiar with. You were right in keeping the ring, since it is the only thing of his you have. She was being a little selfish, and that fact does not change just because she passed away. I am sure being his mother, that she had plenty other possessions of her sons. I hope you learn to cope with your loss. God bless you.

Answer 6

You are an old silly-billy! Give time time my dear - you are in the stages of grief - even for an ex Mum-in-law - you knew her, your tie with her was tangible and she gave you a precious gift once upon a time. Her son. Maybe not willingly and certainly not whole heartedly - but from that you have a lovely daughter.

She was in your life and she played a part.

Be gentle with yourself. She will have forgiven you. Now its time for you to do the same. That is if there was anything to forgive - perceived or otherwise!

You sound like a very nice person - but your face looks better when you havn't been crying! Raise a glass to absent friends and remember the good times!

Answer 7

However your relationship was with her, she was still a link to your first husband and will leave a hole in your life, and bring up feelings of what might have been had he still been around. Don't beat yourself up about it. It is only natural that you feel this way.You can't change the past. You did the best that you could do. That's all we can do. Yes, you will grieve for a while, but you will come through it eventually, and move on. It would be more worrying if you did not feel anything! Be good to yourself! Best wishes and hugs.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for the loss...and yes, it was loss despite the estrangement. Grief comes regardless of circumstances and what you are going through are the necessary stages of grief. Do not feel guilty or remorseful - life happens and we ALL feel some level of guilt and remorse after someone close has passed on. We question our motives, our actions or inactions and wish things had been different.

You are NORMAL...not to worry. There are things to be grateful for as you said..she raised a remarkable son for whom you held great love. She, too, may have held unresolved feelings after his death - forgive her and forgive yourself and move on when the time is right for that. My prayers go with you!

Answer 9

I've lost people suddenly too. It's always hard when they pass away and we aren't expecting it. It doesn't give us a chance to finish any unfinished business. We wonder what we could or should have done while they were here.

You're grieving because this woman who was a link to your husband, is now gone and though you tried to work things out with her they weren't resolved. You are also reliving the pain of losing your husband much to soon. Try to remember the good times with your husband and his mom and let the other things go, so you can heal. My best wishes to you during this difficult time.

Answer 10

Hon, Sounds to me like you are grieving for the loss of the great big merging family we all hope for all our lives and is so elusive to many of us. I never realized how much I loved my grand-kids mother until she was gone.(they broke up). She is still around and we have become very good friends in the past 10 years !!! She just lost her mother in July so I am glad we worked things out. I could be wrong but just a thought. Either way you sound like a kind and caring person and I am sorry for what you are going through!!!!