How long should you try before you give up?

Question

I have been married for almost three years. Back in March we separated for about a month but ended up getting back together thinking we could make it work. Now, 8 months later, we're back at square one. Nothing has changed and neither of us seem to want to change what needs to be changed. We have decided to separate again, and are pretty sure it will end in a divorce.

My main question is: should we try to make things work again, knowing that it didn't work last time, or should we just call it quits so we can move on and begin healing?

The problems are that he is unwilling to communicate AT ALL with me and that I am too dominant in the relationship. I make all the decisions...I ask him for his input and he will not give it to me. He just goes with whatever I say and then if something goes wrong, it is all my fault because I made the decision.

There is no passion in our relationship, we do love each other but we both feel it is more like a really good friendship than a marriage.

We have no children. We have wanted them, but I have fertility issues.

Answer 1

How long before you give up? It is a good question. Let examine what you have into this marriage. I'm sure you have at least a few years additional to the 3 years you've been married, so you have 5 years of your life with this man. Next, you don't say if you have children. They must be added to this equation. Next, you say your marriage feels more like a good friendship than a marriage.

I don't know, but isn't this what a marriage is all about? Being friends and lovers. You have a good chunk of your life tied to this man. You're miffed that he doesn't make decisions and leaves them to you. Tell him, he doesn't deserve to be critical of your decisions if he doesn't participate in making them.

Now to your answer, when should you give up? When you don't care anymore, and you are happier without him. Don't let a interruption of your marriage signal that you are happier without him. It usually takes sometime before things hit you, so you shouldn't make this decision hastily. As long as he doesn't abuse you (verbally or physically), I am one to say, when is enough is enough? Never is enough. God bless.

Answer 2

I am always saying on here how I have never understood the concept of staying together just for the sake of saying you tried. There's an old Tanya Tucker song that goes "if it don't come easy, you better let it go". It's a sad fact, but people rarely change. They are going to be who they are going to be. You both would be wasting valuable time and energy staying together rather than giving each other permission to put a period at the end of it and move on. Nobody said it wouldn't be painful and that little things will trigger the good memories at exactly the wrong time, and trigger the bad ones not enough sometimes, but it won't do anybody any good to prolong the inevitable. If it was going to work, it already would have by now. Give each other the gift of peace, if you can't give the gift of love, and let each other go on to find your lot in life, whatever that may be. I wish you both the best.

Answer 3

I have been married for 15 years and just separated for the 2nd time in a year at the same time this year. She left for month last year came back and now back at the same situation. I think we rushed back into to quickly the first time, did not solve anything. Our relationship sounds just like yours, in which neither of knows what needs to change there is no passion, we are more like friends than husband and wife. This time, I think we both agree that we need time to figure what we both need, I know I cannot live like the way we are right now. We are both are not happy with way things are in the marriage. She has moved out already, I am not trying to call her or get her back, learned from last time that did not help. This time I need to figure out if I want to continue with way things are in the marriage. I am still trying to figure things out, all I can do is right now is take to time myself and worry about my daughter. I know one thing getting into another relationship or dating at this time will not solve anything, it will only confuse things and not help. I would have to be divorce before I could take that step, but I need time to myself and my kid. If you ever need to talk, please email, hopefully we both can make sense of what is going in our life. Just take time to yourself and find out what you want, but make sure it is what you want.

Answer 4

I think communication is a big factor in your relationship. You should look to open the lines of communication before you come to the realization that your relationship is over. Think of the good things in your relationship which brought the two of you together and use those positive thoughts to help re-build your relationship. God Bless.

Answer 5

Do you love eachother?
Are you willing to work hard for your marriage?
Have you sought professional/spiritual help?

If you answered NO to any of those questions, I'm pretty sure it will end in divorce too.

Only the two of you should decide when to call it quits, not strangers on a forum.

I hope you can work things out, marriage is not disposable, and remember the vows you spoke, for better or for worse.

Answer 6

I don't know how your marriage could last if neither or you are willing to do what it takes to make it work. If either one of you refuses to communicate or make changes then I think it would be impossible.

Answer 7

When there's life, there's hope. Don't give up trying unless you can see that there's no need for you to work things out anymore. If you still love the person, then that's something you should hold on to. Goodluck.

Answer 8

Change is the big word. Someone must change in order for this marriage to work. Look at what didn't work and change that.

Answer 9

With the lack of details you provided, I can only answer that you should keep true to your marriage vows.

It seems to me if nobody is willing to change, then the two of you need to learn how to become accepting of each other.

Sorry, but you did not give me too much information to work with.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I have been there, twice. Sometimes its not fixable... give a good try and at some point admit its not working, move on and be happy...or spend the rest of your life on this rollercoaster.