Please help..I am confused abt my relationship...what shud i do ?

Question

I am in US but not independent bcoz of my visa status.. so cant work.my marriage was an arrange one,I was happy for an year..but now when i have two kids.. i feel this relationship is not working so fine, my husband is so demanding... he wants what he says. in terms of sexual needs or others.. all in all he is dominating.
My realtionship with his mother and sister is also not good, they dont seem to treat me nicely, i feel everybody, even my husband does not share all things with me ..the things that his mother or sister knows.. i am never aware of...
i think of divorcing but , i fear i ahve no money to fight the case and will loose kids, so cant think of it .
I tried to talk to him, that why doesnt he share everything with me , he says its nothing like that, nothing wrong, but i know i am not happy, i didnt got what i dreamt of !
He is a nice father but not a nice husband .I talked to my parents and they say i have to adjust whatever it is. I am alone in US ,please help me .

well, we both are indians and from same cultural background, so no such issues,
my kids are yound, 4 and 2 .I can surely leave for my homeland but what then , my parents dont agree for my divorce , where to stay,
moreover , i feel kids are so much attached to their father , as i told he is nice father though, and i being depressed all the time , dont show all my affection, and attend my kids properly.
I have no option to leave him, as i have no source of income, how will i take care of my kids?he will prove in courts that he has money and can take good care of kids .Its not that he hurts me physically, but he doesnt respect me , shows no love or attachment, shares nothing from his daily life, i feel so lonely and left out when all of his family members get together.i just dont like them all now...i dont know if i am right or wrong here, but i feel that even ending life would also not be an answer.

Answer 1

your isolation in a foreign land sounds like it's the hardest part of this for you. I would encourage you to seek out whatever supports you can, in the community, wherever, find out what your rights are and what advocacy groups will help you, because you do have rights. I think he knows that you depend on him and he is taking advantage of the fact that you can't leave him. If you show that you CAN leave him and that you have figured out how to take care of yourself when you do, then, even if you dont' leave him, it will shift the power in your marriage back in your favor and maybe earn you some of his respect again. He is not viewing you as an equal, and he never will so long as you don't have the option to leave.

You are a mother, it is highly unlikely that you will lose your children. The courts heavily favor the mother when it comes to these situations, I would be very surprised if he got your kids away from you.

Call United Way and see what resources they can brainstorm for you. Just dial 211 from a local phone.

Answer 2

I don't know how old your children are but they become, through no fault of their own, the crux of your problem.
If you are truly unhappy, as you say, and are feeling abused, then you must get away from the situation.
Your visa circumstance, I guess, makes it hard also. Are you allowed to leave the country and go back to your homeland? If you are, then maybe that is what you should do. BUT, THE CHILDREN?
Would you be able to cope if you left your children with their dad and went home? If you knew that they would be safe? Taken care of?
If you could, then, as far as I can see, that is the only way out for you. Your options are limited but they are there. I hope you can resolve your situation.
Oh, what about local agencies that can help you? Just because of your visa status doesn't mean you can be abused. Go and talk to someone about your situation. A counsellor.
You don't have to live like that! Try to do something about it! Don't think that you can't..think that you can and find a way. Good luck

Answer 3

I would go to the Legal Aid Society. You can get an attorney for no fee. Also, consider going back to your country. If you are alone in the U.S., then I would think about going home. I would plan ahead, but do not tell your husband anything about your plans. Save money for plane tickets, pack a bag, take your children and leave the country while he is at work. He will not be able to get the children if you are in your homeland. If you stay in U.S., you will have rights to your children even though you are only here on a visa..this you have to speak to an attorney about. You are in a difficult situation, but to stay in an abusive marriage is not good.

Answer 4

I'm not sure what your nationality are or the nationality of your husband's family. Do you guys come from the same background? Are there things that he's doing to you that your religion and/or culture frown upon? Or are his actions rather normal?

It's hard when you don't get what you dreamed of, but that happens in Love Marriage as well. It just goes to show you that there is no perfect institution of marriage. You just have to hope for the best sometimes and work with what you've got.

Is there any sort of compromise that he would be willing to work out with you? So that he maybe doesn't get EVERYTHING he wants, but he at least gets the basics? And as far as him not telling you things that he tells his mother and sister, is it possible that you're just feeling left out and you want him to want to talk to you? That's a normal feeling. do his mother and sister insist that you have no right to hear what he's telling them, or do they just think that it's normal for him to not want to tell you at all?

Answer 5

It must surely be very hard, u need to start building confidence in yourself. have u noticed how u started off by saying u r not independant...u have listed in ur post abt how helpless u think u r. Its not true if u think and observe u will realise tht u r not weak..NOBODY is.
u obviously r educated, u r the mother of your husband's 2 kids, u do all the house chores and look after the kids tht is a full time job itself. u need to start seeing ur positive side. u r contributing in the marriage equally by raising his kids, by cooking his food, by cleaning up after everyone. maybe its time u started moaning abt how tired u get with the housework, for a change ask him to do some house errand and say u r tired cos u did so much wn he was at work. unfortunately thts how ppl learn to value.
this will be a slow process but it will surely work out if u keep it at patiently. u say he is not abusive, well then surely he will begin to understand u if u work at it.
mentally, u will need to separate him from his family. i feel u r more upset cos of them rather than ur husband. now wud u really want to divorce him cos he keeps u out of his family matters? esp wn u say he is a good father and is not abusive to u.
do u live with his family? if so, move out soon suggest him to buy a house of his own for u and ur kids.
if he goes round to visit them every weekend, stop going there with him, plan out activities with ur kids and make him join u and the kids on outings instead of visiting his family all the time
email me and i will tell u in more detail :)
its not end of the world...dont be depressed this can be sorted without divorce

Answer 6

I would look for support groups online in regards to arranged marriages, I did not even know that was ever still an option.

Good Luck

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear of your problems. Here in the UK we have marriage guidance counsellors - do you have something similar in the US - someone you can go and talk to in confidence? God be with you through this time and I pray that He will help you.

Answer 8

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