my girfriend is pressuring me to marry her! I need advice as I'm not that experienced, thanks?

Question

I'm 24 and she is 29. She is my first girlfriend, and I've known her for about 4 years. About 6 months ago, she started to talk about marriage and then it just kinda advanced from there...Last night, she asked me very seriously when I was going to marry her.
I'm not ready right now, I mean I even need another year and half untill I finish college, because I'm living with my parents and have no money. But she doesn't really seem to care about that. She just wants to marry me, just so that we are married. She said that I can keep living with my parents and everything would be normal as if we were not married until I finish school and ready to really start a new life with her.
My parents don't know about this, but I've always known that my parents don't approve of me marrying her, even though they say she is nice. Her parents love me, and I think are also pushing her to marry me. I don't want to lose her, but how do I tell her I'm not ready?

If I marry her now and continue to live with my parents, they would hate me. I want to finish school so I can get a good job and get my own house so I can marry her. I don't want to break her heart, she is so great to me. How do I talk to her correctly? She really wants to marry me immediately!

wow, thanks so much for all your help people. You really helped me out. I can't pick a best answer, because everyone had some great input....I leave it up to the voters!

Answer 1

don't do it. I did that. I've been paying for it ever since, and it was back in 1989.
run. run like there's no tomorrow.
don't look back

Answer 2

well, since you know you don't want to lose her, tell her you hear what she is saying and affirm to her she is the one for her. Explain again about your parents and say if she loves you, she's got to work on a mutual compromise. She can't do something that's going to make her in-laws really dislike her further.
I understand you want to finish college and get a degree and get your own place before taking a big step like college. You have a good head on your shoulder.

I wonder why she is pushing for this marriage. Are a lot of her friends marrying? Is she afraid of losing you? Is she a bit spoiled and impulsive girl?

Then again, you've been together four years and they often say if that doesn't lead to marriage by the 4th or 5th year, it probably won't ever, but in your case, you guys are still young and not independent.

DON'T RUSH INTO THIS.

Save some money and go ring hopping. Reach this compromise, become engaged to her and set a date after you graduate (with some leeway to get a job and move out)...set the date like 6 months after your final semester.
Tell her you will marry her seriously then and can't be pressured into it, but your feelings are so serious, you want to give her a ring.

Also make sure you got a job now and start saving money and budgeting so you will have a little nest egg once you graduate to help pay for an apartment together.

Get a little notebook and try to figure out ideas for the wedding and places you might want to live, like friends recommending cheap but nice places, etc. Show her you are serious and start preparing now.

If she keeps pressuring you, tell her she isn't respecting your feelings and let it be known that this is a red flag, imagine married life in ten years. What you are saying sounds very sincere and a marriage will last on that and your sound thinking.

Now I realize she is almost 30 and her biological clock is ticking, so get preparing and get her a ring! Even if it's a nice 1/4 carat diamond from an antique or flea market. Some stores like Macy's have good sales at times.

Tell her to read all this.

There is nothing worse than pressuring someone into marriage when they're not ready. Don't be foolish, too many times I've seen this and the marriage flops! She's got to show she's good wife material and hears your feelings too. And you got to show her your sincerity and get moving!

Set a May 2009 Wedding date.
Get her the ring for Xmas or New years or at least by Valentine's Day.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

Then ask her to wait, if she cares about you as her man and not marriage as a status then she will wait. A year can fly by really fast. I have been engaged a really long time and I don't care what people think of it, I am happy with it. Marriage should not be a pressured thing so she can wait I mean come on she is only 29 that's still young. I am 9 years older than her and my fiance' is 29 who cares when we marry were happy the way things are either way. Also keep in mind she is your 1st girlfriend what if you change your mind , what if she changes?...tell her to wait and that you wanna give it another year or two, if she gets upset then she is being too overbearing and controlling. Ask her if she would even want to marry a guy that is feeling that kind of pressure to marry?
By the way ...I have had 7 very happy unwed years with my guy so who cares what people think! We will get married when we feel like it not when people tell us to.

Answer 4

I agree with most of the other answers you got already.

You sound like a nice young man- but you're talking about a huge commitment here...! The fact she's older than you means she feels the urge to settle down and start a family- and IMO you are still not ready for this.

You have to take charge of your own life now. While I understand you care for her and do not want to hurt her, she must also understand that her priorities are not the same as yours right now.

I know it's easier said than done; but you'll have to take a deep breath and talk to her. TELL HER how you feel and explain why you think you should wait.

IF she tries to manipulate you and make you feel guilty- ("You don't love me, then.." or such)- tell her that you understand her point of view and wish her the best; but that you have seen too many couples break up because of money issues, and you don't want to be another statistic.

I really hope you can hold your ground here. Ultimately, YOU will have to make a decision...It's YOUR life and only you will have the final word on how you want to live it.

My advice would be WAIT and do not rush into anything you are not 100% sure you want to do. This is not being selfish- it's being both responsible and smart.
Good luck!

Answer 5

You're in way over your head. Think about this. You don't need a legal document to make a commitment of love to each other. You can do that on your own. marriage was designed for two reasons but actually works for one of these and another reason. Marriage was created for religious purposes, but it doesn't accomplish much since peopel get divorced all the time these days. Marriage was created for women. They like the idea of a day that is all about them. the dress, the decorations, the cake, and all that stuff is all about them. Their one big day in life. The thing they look forward to since they were first old enough to talk and listen. And here's the final reason that marriage was not created for but works in favor of... lawyers. Do you have any idea how many people make a very nice living due to being hired attorneys for divorces? It's absurd. The only men who benefit from marriage are the lawyers who cash a check at the divorce. Otherwise marriage does not benefit men in any other way... unless you count getting people to finally stop asking "When are you getting married?" If your girlfriend nags you about this, saying yes will not stop her nagging. She will simply find something else to nag about. Yes she will, yes she will, yes she will.

Answer 6

Talk to her about it. You dont have to marry her, but if she is the one for you, you may lose her. Buy her an engagement ring and set a date for 2 yrs. You know an engagement ring doesnt force you to marry her. You can take those two years and figure it out. I know you dont have money for a ring, but maybe you could save for an inexpensive one and give her another one when you have a real job. She is pressuring you because at 29, you really just want to be married already. You are much younger and obviously, not ready. Your parents are probably right but it is your life and your relationship. At the end of the day, you should figure out who you want to marry and not let your parents choose for you. I think you should talk to her and talk to your parents.

Answer 7

Don't do it. You are too young! You are the smart one and keep to your guns. If you lose her then it was not meant to be. You will find someone else that is so much better then her because then you will be ready and have your life better. I don't recommend getting married until the age of 30 and no more than 4 years difference in age. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

Sit her down and tell her exactly how you feel. You can do it gently and still tell her everything there is. She need to know how you feel . . . and if she can't respect your feelings, then you need to go shopping for another girlfriend. She also needs to tell you ALL of the reasons why she is so intent on getting married NOW; there is a missing piece to this puzzle, methinks . . .

It sounds like maybe her biological clock is pushing her into this; she's pushing 30 and wants to be married before then. Whatever her full set of motivations are, she needs to share them with you - all of them. Then you two need to negotiate a compromise that both of you can live with - and both of you must stick to whatever was agreed upon.

If she can't or won't do all of this, it's time to say boodbye. Now.

Answer 9

If your not ready then your not ready and she needs to respect that or she isn't the girl for you. YOU need to finish school first period!!! explain that you want a marriage to start right and in school , no money, living at hme, isn't right for yu. why would she want to do that. Is she insecure and trying to make sure you remain herss. Don't start a marriage out like that, and especially if it will hurt your parents, this would only cause marriage trouble dsown the line.

Answer 10

Don't marry her!

Tell her you're not ready, and that you won't be for a while. Tell her you aren't making any promises, and that if that means it's a deal breaker, so be it.

If she's 29, her biological clock is ticking and she's going to want not only marriage but kids - and soon.

I think you'll find it's time for you to go your separate ways.

Answer 11

here's my honest opinion...no you should not get married. you said she is your first girlfriend...therefore you should get more experience first. you dont want to get married and then 10 years from now decide you didnt get to experience other women and start wanting to have an affair.
take it easy for now. besides..you shouldnt want to be with a woman who is pressuring you into marriage. maybe you should break up...take some time for yourself and date around. if in a few years you still feel this girl is someone you'd like to be with then you can try and start a relationship with her then.