How do women deal with this....?

Question

I have given my all to my husband, he knows this but he lacks the imagination (í'm guessing) to surprise me. I'm talking about we've been together for 10 yrs and just once I'd love the element of surprise. He used to do that pre-marriage and kids. I don't receive Valentines gifts/Anniversary gifts etc and his excuse is money but I make sure his needs are met in other ways. I'm a very simple woman, communicate my needs effectively and yet, I've never been taken out for dinner or a getaway or anything even a simple surprise-- a So how do I continue a lackluster marriage.

And before anyone thinks, yes I've done plenty to keep him happy thank you very much. Just once I'd like not to have to wear the pants in the family and be swept away.

to the second poster---I have and it goes over his head

Please don't think I haven't said this before to him, I'm an extremely assertive person who stresses my needs quite often!

as i've said, I'm sick of doing it all, why do i need to iniate it once again...I'd be happy with a phone call one night saying "Hey don't cook dinner, I'm bringing home takeout"

once again..a lot of posters are saying I need to do something...well it's been done people now it's his turn.

Answer 1

He sounds selfish-if you have already made this clear to him and he still refuses-don't expect him to change now-one can only hope.....

Answer 2

Some people just don't like the idea of a surprise. Seriously. And yes, usually they are the ones with a bad imagination. On the other hand, he must have his good points. Sounds like you expect your man to be a different man - it never works. My question to you is: if you think you are assertive and communicate your needs, why is it that there is no result? Could it be because his needs are met and, therefore, what's gonna motivate him to do something for you? I think you should teach him with your actions, not words. And I don't suggest to be mean, - don't invest more, than what you are prepared to loose. If you want entertainment, - go bring yourself to a dinner and enjoy it! And see how surprised he will be to find out you had a great time without him there!

Answer 3

I had this similar situation with my husband. How I fixed it was that once a month, we planned a night out. The first night out, I planned it. The next month, it was his turn to focus on the details. He took cues from my lead the first go around. I had his clothes laid out, bought him a new tie and silky boxers shorts that matched the lingerie I was wearing under my outfit. I helped him dress, kissed him like I did when we were dating, asked him to dance with me before we even left the house, and we went to a romantic dinner. At dinner, I held his hand across the table. Gave him compliments. Asked him questions about things. I even fed him a few bites across the table. I brought him home and made love to him. The next month when it was his turn, he bought me an outfit to go out in, got the babysitter, brought home flowers, and was the most chivalrous man I had ever known. He made our night out so beautiful. I never touched a door. He kissed my hand several times that night. Told me how beautiful I was. The rest is history. He is a little competitive, so he always tries to outdo what I planned the month before. It's a win-win situation. We have 3 children and a hectic work schedule. We've had dates that cost very little money at all, like a picnic at our favorite park, dancing and a candlelit dinner at home etc. It's a fun way to reconnect. Give it a try. You won't be disappointed.

Answer 4

The simple word lacking, "WE" describes the problem question . Parents with children lose quite a bit of "we" freedom and when they leave the nest, you almost have to start over. But ole hubby has no defense or excuse if you meet him at the door in your birthday suit, maybe that will kick start him into gear of wanting to suprise you. That is a super max surprise. The next suggestion is put a tag anywhere on your body stating, "It loves to be touched". Or he has a heart attack and you can collect his life insurance and find another.

Answer 5

I think first of all that you'd need to communicate this to him. I have the Surprise kind of husband, but I'm the type of woman who can't stand surprises! *LOL* I'd rather know right off the bat if I'm going somewhere so that I can have the proper clothes picked out. I'd rather get a practical gift than flowers because they're already dead anyhow. Who needs that? give me the cash and let me go shopping!

But I think that you might need to tell your hubby that you want to be surprised, and give him some specific ideas. They don't have to be expensive, right? you can suggest he take you and the kids on a picnic (so that you won't have to spend $ on babysitters) and enjoy it as a romantic moment. Tell him the things that you'd like to be surprised with, as he's surely not a mind reader.

Answer 6

Since, you already told him how you feel, buy him a book on how to be romantic on shoe strings. If that don't work, you could also be romantic and amorous with him (without the blame game or hostility), hoping he'll learn from you and reciprocate back. Maybe all you need is to take a bubble bath together or watch a romantic movie like chocolat with Mr. Depp. Guys hate hearing "why" and "how come" if all else fails you might just state bluntly, "I feel a little hurt that my friends husbands gives them surprises like breakfast in bed or flowers unexpectedly. I end up feeling that I'm not as loved as they are." My older sister sulks in order to get her husband to buy her things, giving the silent treatment. You could try that if he still refuses to try to woe you.

Answer 7

Well if he used to do this and stopped point it out to him and if he gives the old money excuse give him examples of things that are free.
Cooking you dinner
Massaging you
Taking a lover's stroll at twilight
Whatever...

If this doesn't change accept it for now but when your kids are 18 say Buh Bye!
You have to decide if he is not going to change do you want to live the rest of your life this way?
But raise your kids in a whole family environment first!

Answer 8

Well, this February I am going to be married for sixteen years hard to believe, and yes, to the same man!!!!!

The ten year point is hard, I remember that well, why don't you try this: Reserve a hotel room for you and him, tell him to meet you at a certain address (the hotel) at a certain time, and reserve it for a couple nights, and when he gets there, he will be totally suprised, now, your work is done.

Why?? Put something sexy on, and candles, and the rose pettles on the bed, and just lay there, with something on or not, and let him come to you!!!! You will be AMAZED at how much work you will not have to do when he sees what you did for you and him!!!! Just relax, lay there, and let him do all the work! And he will, believe me, he will!!!!

Answer 9

I sooo know where you are coming from. I have been with my man for 10 years too. I have tried everything....talking, surprising HIM, all the normal things women do to try to make them do something special for us. There is no real answer that I have come up with. Sadly!
If we want them to do something, we have to make them do it...and that is not what we want. The thing is...we can't do any more than we already do. There is no miracle love pill that will make them romantic, just a pill to make them...well you know! So what are we left with. A very dull romance life. I feel for you...I really do..but we cannot do anything more than we are already doing. So my answer to you is "Nothing". Unless you and I can come up with a pill that makes them wine and dine us...we are just going to be happy with what we have...if you do get your answer..please share! LOL!

Answer 10

Maybe he would be motivated if one of his friends (guy or girl) strongly suggests it as a good idea. I know that works for me. I was inspired to buy more Christmas presents for my fiance last year because a lady at work kept telling me I should buy her more stuff. I am normally not so easily swayed, but she made a good point. She said this is the woman you love and are about to marry. Why don't you shower her with gifts? Just one more thing if you think you can do it. I agreed with her. One more gift was a good idea because I do love her and she does deserve it. Maybe your hubby just needs to be reminded by someone else how much he loves you and how much you deserve it. Us men are kinda dumb sometimes and need a little motivation to do the right thing.

Answer 11

So far, all your suggestions on what you want your hubby to do involves extra cash, which he has stated is a problem. Why can't you tell him some things that don't require cash that he can do, i.e., instead of "Don't cook dinner, I've got take out", why not hint to him that you want this: "Don't cook dinner, I will cook tonight"?