My stepdaughter is breaking up my marriage.?

Question

My husband and I have only been married for 3 months and things are already spiraling downhill. His daughter came to live with us not even a month after we got married. Her mother who lives 12 hours away dropped her off one day and said she wanted us to keep her for a while. Well we haven't seen her in a year and a half and her bad behavior has become such a stress in our new marriage. all we do now is fight about stupid things when really we're stressed about her. he was laid off his job a week before our wedding which stressed us financially and left me to be the only provider. We already have a younger son who's picking up on her bad behavior. My husband critizes me for not having a better bond with her, but I critisize him for not allowing me to more time to 'accept her as my daughter'. i'm just fed up and stressed out at this point and i'm seriously ready to give up. i just can't believe we're letting a child ruin our marriage.

I guess I didn't give enough info in my question. My husband was never married before me...yes he had sex out of wedlock and had a baby, but he was never in a relationship with her mother, they just had sex and she got pregnant. so his daughter has never seen her mother and her father together. I was friends with him when she was born, i've always been someone in her life, but her mother moved 12 hours away when she was 1 and now her mother just drops her off whenever she feels like she needs a break. I know his daughter is messed up emotionally, which causes most of her behavior issues, but its just such a hard situation to be in. dealing with her emotional issues and dealing with her mother talking crap about me to her all the time and dealing with her teaching my son bad words and bad behavior. i know i should put the blame on her, but its hard, because before she came we were happy newlyweds excited about our future...and now we're just mad all the time.

Answer 1

Wow, this is rough and the best I can suggest is to regain the power back in your house. Counseling for the daughter would be a good start. I know you are frustrated buy giving up is not the solution, You have to be strong as stay strong no matter what. If it is hard on you imagine how hard it is on the kids. Don't let the kids see you argue and try to remind each other that this is not your fight. Don't fight each other in the process of saving the kids. Try to understand the daughter and have some empathy. It sounds like she needs some attention, and is not getting positive attention, so she will take the negative attention if she can get it. Try talking to her, and being her friend rather than the mean evil step mother she probably thinks you are. Encourage the father to spend more time with her as well and ease the transition more. Try doing some family functions together too. This can help bring you guys closer. Whatever you do, dont let the daughter think that she has this much power and control in the home or she will use it to the best of her advantage. Try to remember back when you were this age and the complications of being a young woman and then your dad and mom being split up too. She needs some strong womanly advice and direction. Her own mother has already given up on her, dont make the same mistake. Try being loving kind and understanding and practice a whole lot of patience. Families and especially marriage is going to have its ups and downs, and you made a commitment through better and worse. This is one of the worse times and you have to stay strong and work through it. That is what marriage is. Hard work and dedication, and alot of commitment to making it work. I hope this helps. Good luck to you and Gob Bless. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Answer 2

I'd ask you to consider going to therapy- ALONE.
After you have decided what it is you want, you share this with your husband- and you act as a TEAM.

I think it must be very stressful for you to have a jobless husband who is also making you feel like you're the bad guy where his kid is concerned.

I am sorry this is happening to you; but you are an adult, you sound like a good and intelligent woman, and I'm sure you will be able to find a way to deal with this in a healthy way.

You need to sit down and think before you act. This is where a trained specialist can help you.

I read many of the answers you got already, and I agree with some, not all. Being a stepparent is NOT easy, no matter what age the kids are. And dealing with a manipulative ex-wife or kid's mother is also terribly stressful, so it's normal that you feel overwhelmed right now.

Please try to look for help and try to keep things in perspective.
If you married your husband it's because you love him...so take a deep breath and see what it is you can do to overcome this situation and involve him more. You cannot do this on your own; he HAS to be there and he has to set down rules so this girl "gets it". She may not like you; but she has to respect you.

You both need to act as a team in order to handle both the girl and the girl's mother.
Good luck....

Answer 3

First you know where the stress is coming from. I hope he is back to work somewhere now (hubby). If you let the daughter make you mad you let her control you! You need to talk to each other before making any decsion with either child. If the children do wrong remember this is not the end of the word but just another problem you deal with at the moment and one at the time by priority. When you tell the children something stick to what you say and do not make empty threats. For example Do not tell a child "go to bed or I will do....." Just make a simple statement "go to your room" If not followed you have time to think of what to do. Stay calm and this takes practice and decide together what to do if both are home and if one is not the other sticks to what the one at home says when the other gets there. United you stand. Take time to be nice to your other half all the time. Even in comments like "you look, well you know, after a rested day at work. If the children get the house fussing this is what they want. Do not let this happen. They will learn to get excitement from positive fun in the house if you and your husband just keep showing it in this way. When the kids are good and you play a game and get loud or laugh when you and hubby are talking/playing around then the kids wil learn this is how it is done in the house. Stay calm do not argue with children. If need be wait a bit and punish the child in a bit. It can be as simple as next time she comes what she likes is missing from the house.

Hope this helps.

Another example for your problem solving. If dishes do not get washed then everyone has a place setting and they do not have a clean dish to eat from if not cleaned from the previous meal. Think of simple solutions.

Answer 4

Knowing the problem is half the solution. You two need to come together about this situation and find some common ground. If her behavior is putting stress on the marriage then treat the behavior (notice treat the behavior and not the person). Kids have good in them and they know right from wrong. If they know how to walk and talk then they know how to attempt to manipulate people into getting what they want. Why did the mom drop her off in the first place? I hope you know the whole history and everything that is going on.

Answer 5

1st get this child in counseling. Of course she has issues her mother dumps her off, she is now living with her father who she is not use to living with, in a new home, with a step mom and another child. Did you really expect anything different?

Rather then fight with your husband, he needs to grow up a little and stop passing the blame on to you. Maybe he should start off by getting a job? Setting some house rules for his daughter, go to counseling with her to work on there relationship.

I know you think that if she was not there things would be great but, based on your the way your husband handles a family problem you would have ended up here soon enough over something else. Tell him to grow up and either help his daughter and you will be by his side or he needs to drop her back off at her mother's if he can't handle it. Either way you will no longer fight about her.

Answer 6

DO NOT BLAME HER- she is a child. You and your husband are the 'adults'
Sorry but marrying someone with a child is not a good idea even if there was never a marraige before between the parents.
This girl has already been thru enough of course she is going to focus bad energy on the 'new' woman in her dad's life.
You better all go to a family therapist or MOVE ON.

Answer 7

Any kid that is just dropped off by one parent to another is going to be depressed and act out. One big thing...you do not need to accept her as your daughter, and she does not want you to. She has a mother, as crappy as she may be, and does not want another one, so don't expect to fill those shoes. Your husband is also depressed which is rearing it's ugly head as anger. Demand, don't ask, that your family go to counseling. You did not sign on for this and were just thrown into the middle of it and are expected to be ok with it. Your husband didn't ask for it either, and neither did your stepdaughter. It is what it is...acknowledge it and move forward to make things better WITHOUT placing blame.

Oh, and tell your freeloading husband to get himself a job because you're left not only carrying the financial burden for him, but his daughter. If that won't cause stress, I don't know what will.

Answer 8

First of all it may not be all your fault, but I also believe it is not hers either. The main problem is that she may be lashes out in need of love & special attention. Look at it from her point of view..Her parents are divorced, she obviously didn't have her dad around when she needed him the most which caused her rebellion with the mother & now that she has to accept a new mommy in the place of her actual one who just up and left...in my case growing up my parents were never married but seperated when I was 3, drug abuse was a problem for both my parents & my mother chose her drugs & boyfriends over me...That girl is going through some tough times & you may not see that, but her progressive ill behavior may be due to lack of communication, understanding & the right type of attention. Instead of trying to find out what the problem is you guys may be lashing out in anger towards her...What she needs is to feel accepted on both sides of the relationship. Not to feel as if when she does something wrong she'll be abandoned by her father the same way her mother did...You could try counseling which may not always work, try spending more time as a family & including her 100%..If your cooking offer to let her help...Some of these may work....I am lost for other ideas. I hope some of this helps.

Answer 9

Think about her for a moment. First she had to deal with a divorce. Then her dad gets married to another woman (which should never happen until the kids are 18...you are experiencing why now) then they have another baby together and then her mother dumps her. She's had a pretty crappy life to deal with. Of course she's acting out. I think the two of you need to be understanding, she a child and shouldn't have to deal with all the issues I've stated above that YOU and your husband have created for her.

Answer 10

I was in exactly the SAME situation in my second marriage. Our daughter was born in October, and his oldest daughter from prior relationship moved in with us in November. We divorced eventually, but nothing to do with the daughter.

Stop fighting! There can be no fighting unless you and he are both participating so if you be quiet-fight ends!! Talk to your husband, and tell him that she needs some serious discipline, and discuss together how you both will address it. If he is ambivalent, then tell him that you are going to be the parent she needs, and then do it!

Do not give up! I made many mistakes during my process, and those mistakes lead to other issues later even after his daughter went back home-3 states away.

First, this child needs you now! She has been dumped by her mother, she probably feels abandoned, and lives hours away from any friends she ever had. Try to be understanding, realize that you are the only mom she has now-You don't have the luxury of time to "accept her as your daughter" -you knew she was there before you married, right? Just when did you plan on accepting her?

Second, she is suffering a lot more pain that you are-not only is she dumped by her mom-she is living with a "dad" she hasn't seen for a year and a half! What kind of dad is that-12 hours away or not??? And, she lives with half brother who is lucky enough to have both parents under one roof!

You are being very selfish. She needs love and compassion, and she needs to feel "wanted" - not "blamed" for ruining your marriage. I encourage you to try to put yourself in her place, you don't say how old she is, but...heck, I'm an adult and the situation you describe would make ME made, angry, resentful and hurt.

The end of my story was that not only did I bond with her, but even after we divorced, she kept in touch with me. She thanked me for being there for her when she needed a strong woman in her life, and she is graduating college next year. She still keeps in touch with me. She is there for a reason, don't blow it! She needs you.....more than you know.