Do you feel that sometimes step-parents put too much emphasis on being better than the ex?

Question

I'm not friends with my husband's ex, but I have nothing against her, either.

He had a life with her- together, they made a beautiful little girl- and it ended (not even sure why- but there must have been a reason).

I read a lot of questions on here from step-parents concerned about the amount of contact between their partner and the ex. It's obvious that most of the time it's all fueled by jealousy..

Do people not feel it's important for a child to see their parents cooperate and have a decent relationship-even if it's not romantic? I encourage my husband to keep contact with his ex. There have been times he's taken his daughter and ex out to dinner without me- Did I mind? No. My daughters that I have with my husband get time with both their parents daily. Why should this little girl not get time with both of hers and no "extras?"

I feel it's important- I wouldn't have entered a relationship with an already father if I didn't expect him to be a GOOD father..

So what gives?

Answer 1

I commend you for the way you are behaving in this situation. Too often, I think the new spouse/step-parent is fueled by jealousy and insecurity. The child's best interests should be put first.

Answer 2

In my mind it is parial jealousy, but most people don't want to feel like someone else is raising their kids. Unfortunately in divorces with children they have to go one way or the other and one parent always ends up getting screwed out of time with their child. Then they begin to wonder about what is being taught to their children and whether or not they agree. The jealousy comes simply from someone else who had nothing to do with the birth of this child is getting to spend more time than the kid than it's own biological parent. I couldn't stand the thought of being away from my kids and them having a step-dad. That alone is enough motivation for me to do what I can to make my marriage work.

Answer 3

I am soooo on the same page with you.

THe ONE THING that attracted me to my hubby is the fact that he was there for his kids even when he'd divorced his ex.

My dad was not there for me, so i found this to be very endearing...

I don't have have anythign against my hubby's ex either...other than talk business with her (because we all used to work for the same employer), I never have said anything to her.

WHen his daughter graduated, he took her mom and her out...no biggie, because he's been there done that, and wouldn't of left and stayed away for YEARS had he not wanted to.

I think the women who worry may be a bit too concerned, everything will be OK...in some cases, i think the women may have been the cause of the break up, so there's a tug-o-war going on...

Answer 4

I am a single parent and my boyfriend is a single parent. So, looking at it from both angles "litteraly" ..like you! I do think its important to establish a good relationship with an ex you have children with. I often go out for dinner with my daughter and her father (once a month) ...ts an opportunity to dicuss anything that is happening in our daughters life. And for our daughter to see that when parents split up it doesn't mean they hate eachother.

Answer 5

I'm sure some do. Since I'm in this situation, I don't know if I do. I think sometimes I may. i try not to. For one, we are very different people. We had very different childhoods. I feel very fortunate for the life I have lived. I see that a lot of people are not as lucky. I also see the affects that has.

Answer 6

I so agree with you. It is soooooooo much easier on the kids to have the parents get along. My hubby has 2 ex's and I work really hard to make sure I get along with them. The kids need to see their parents together, the need to know that they were not a mistake and that the failed relationship had nothing to do with them.

Answer 7

You definately have a great understanding
of family and what it means to be selfless and caring.
Too bad many other divorced parents only think about theirselves and what they went through or don`t have now or what they are missing. Instead of putting the child(ren) first, they are selfish, stubborn, and unforgiving, which doesn`t set such a good example of how to act.

Answer 8

well I guess it depends on the whole relationship. it sounds like you have a great and rare one. I married my husband (thirty years ago)who had two kids, where the mother was to busy partying to be a part of their lives until they were almost in their late twenties. I had my step daughter tell me that to her I was her real mother, because I was always there. They are now in there late thirties with teenagers of there own.

Answer 9

Sorry but since his ex has been a good part of his life, he's always going to compare you two because that's all he has to compare you to. I find it great that you let them spend time together alone with their daughter, of course she likes to see her parents getting along and spending alone time with her. Don't take the comparison thing too deep, in the future it will fade cause he'll find out that there is really no comparison.

Answer 10

I don't know, this is a difficult one. I think alot of it does come down to insecurity. My husband spends alot of time with his sons' mother. He assures me that there is nothing romantic going on there and most of the time I do believe him. Sometimes I feel a twinge of jealousy, but I know that he is going to continue to spend this time with her and his son and I can either feel jealous about it or not. The choice is mine. It's difficult to stop feeling jealous, but it's important to the relationship and to my sanity.