can someone read my poem and give some advices to make it better?

Question

From his Coy Mistress


Had you had world enough and time
I’ll let you know you’re a pervert
Had you had world enough and time
I’ll tell you that you make me sick
Had you had world enough and time
I’ll tell you I’m not to be taken for a fool
Had you had world enough and time
I wouldn’t love you forever
I write to you to let you know your wooing can’t get to me.
You say you don’t have enough time
but yet you worship me.
All the money in the world will never
Make me lust for you more.
You complement me on my skin
Then threaten me with sexual thoughts.
All of the praising of my body seems sexual
Talking about praising my breast is not the way you get this lady
I’m a young woman looking forward to a lot of things in life.
Even more your not my type.


I'm not avoiding you because I'm coy.
I'm avoiding you because I do not like you.
I’m not avoiding you because I’m selfish
I’m avoiding you because you are too old.
Threats of worms eating me do not put me in the mood.
You say if I don’t respond to you
I would die a virgin.
But I will never give you the time of day.
You shower me with words of love saying
“I would love you ten years before the flood”.
And “An hundred years should go to praise
Thine eyes, and thy forehead gaze.”
But yet you don’t know me.

Making all kinds of sexual advances is not the way to get into my heart.
To me it seem like you just want sex.
I deserve more than this.
I want to be treated like a queen.
I want to be treated like a person
not someone who you look for when you want to be intimate.
If you praise me for is my beauty
Then you are severely missing out on something important
I am not just your sexual toy
And you will be nothing more
to me than a failed attempt of a relationship

Answer 1

I like the general approach. Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress" really does deserve this.

I do feel that it can be improved, though. Your references to sex seem not to carry enough of your meaning. To two people in love, sex can be a wonderful, sharing experience; the problem with the wooer here is that (as far as your "coy non-mistress" is concerned) does not really care about the love, or therefore about the lover. When you get away from direct references to the sexual motive you handle that well ("I want to be treated like a person...") but the prior references to sex could be more directed toward being treated like a thing.

(I am reminded here of a C.S. Lewis reference to not wanting a woman, but wanting a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary apparatus.)

And I would certainly look for an alternative to "when you want to be intimate." It is a common euphemism, but it really obscures the problem: as far as this speaker is concerned, the wooer quite precisely wants sexual activity without being intimate.

These are minor comments: they only concern three lines in the last stanza. In general, I like it.

On a more general level (and possibly depending on what you plan to do with this) have you considered trying to adapt the whole thing to Marvell's iambic quadrameter and couplet structure? Parodies and retorts to well-known works often get the best reaction when they match the form of the original.

Answer 2

um make it a poem for someone yu would love