I am close to filing for divorce. I have tried the counseling, my husband refused to go with me. He is just an unreliable, undependable, self-centered, narcassistic man. We fight constantly and I know it must be tearing my kids up (7 and 8 yo), but I am scared what divorce will do to them. I know its not sane to live in a house where there is no love at all. Are they really better off with us divorcing? My husband comes from a divorced family and I honestly think that is the root of half his problems.
2007-11-21 06:05:11 · 9 answers · asked by Paula M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There are pros and cons to staying together vs. divorce. Several people come from a broken home....does that mean they are messed up for the rest of their lives? Personally, my kids are much happier when I left my husband. Things are calm around the house and I'm a much happier person. Which in turn, makes me a better mommy. It's how you and your ex handle the situation after the divorce. Sure, it will be an adjustment for the kids but try to make it an easy transition.
2007-11-21 06:12:48 · answer #1 · answered by Wonder Woman 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I recently read an article that said that kids are better off if their parents stay together. They do not care that mom and dad are not happy with each - they just do not want their family to break up. BUT - that is as long as there is no fighting, abuse, etc.
I recently divorced and my son is having issues - he just turned ten. But I keep reminding him that he is loved and that it is okay to be sad, angry or whatever he is feeling. As long as both parents do their best to make the separation as easy as possible for them they should be okay.
But, do not make it too easy. I believe my ex and I tried so hard to show our son we were okay with all that happened that he started to think he was the only one who actually loved being a family.
Do some research on how to get you kids through divorce. They have different needs based on their age.
It will not be easy. But, if you decide to leave, I wish you luck.
2007-11-21 14:23:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in this situation, and just like Melissa stated in her experience, it was and is for the best for me too. My children had a hard time adjusting, but over time, they got use to it, and realized that just because mommy & daddy don't love one another anymore does not mean they are not loved. Your children are going to grow up regardless, and you just need to be a strong support person for them. Listen to them when they are venting, or are angry, because I do assure you, they are most likely going to be upset with either you or your husband, if not both because the stability is not there anymore. Over time, they will adjust. By staying in a loveless marriage all you are showing your children is a bad example of what a marriage is supposed to be, especially if your husband is as you say he is...trust me, mine was and is the same way...that is why I am no longer with him. I am in the beginning stages of my divorce, but I can tell you right now, it was DEFINITELY the best decision I ever made!!! Good luck to you girl, and I wish you and your children the best.
2007-11-21 15:20:13 · answer #3 · answered by Shannon29 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its probably not just because he comes from a divorced family that your husband is liek this
it could more about how they acted with each other before during and after the divorce
yes your kids would probably be better off long term without you guys being together especially if things have no chance of imporving
far better for them to have a happy mum, and see their dad having quality time with him than having you's fight
im sorry to hear about this and am in similar position
its killing me, and i sense you going through the same turmoil
if its any consolation i have reached decision......its divorce time
2007-11-21 18:49:51 · answer #4 · answered by toast 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Adultery is the only reason God gives as acceptable for divorce. Your wedding vows say, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until death do us part.
The children will suffer the most if you divorce and if you keep doing what you are doing they will suffer. You must do what ever you can to keep from breaking your wedding vows and to make your marriage better.
Stop fighting with your husband. It takes two to fight. Stop your side of it. Your husband is a controller. Get the book 'Co dependent No More' it has good info on controlling people and how not to be controlled. You can't change him, but you can change what you are doing. Knowledge is your best weapon. Find out all you can about Narcissistic Personality disorder, about controlling, abusive spouses. The more you know the better you will be able to deal with it all. You may, by changing what you do, change him. It does happen. You have to learn how. Start researching all the info you can find.
2007-11-21 14:19:40 · answer #5 · answered by Sweet Suzy 777! 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
If you feel that you have exhausted all your efforts on reconciling with your husband, then you need to tell him the truth that if he does not make an effort changing his attitude towards your marriage then it is over by divorce. If this is what he wants then that is what he'll get.
For the children, yes it will affect them but they will adapt. They should not be exposed in your fighting and bickering.
2007-11-21 14:47:57 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can get excellent advice at www.survivinginfidelity. com including signs to watch for, how to listen in on telephone conversations, how to keylog his email conversations, how to obtain a divorce, how to make things work out if you still want to, what to say to your children/family/friends, and how to move on. Another great site is www.cheaternews. com.
2007-11-21 16:59:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wish you well! -
Please handle it respectfully with the children and then they will then trust you so they open up and talk about their feelings to you and you can help them with their concerns and fears.
the kids need to be spoken to respectfully and in a language they understand but also remember to stop talking and listen ,
let them know their thoughts count and they can talk to you and you will be calm and listen and assure them.
Do Not bad mouth your husband to the children and ask him to do the same. It is disrespectful for you to bad mouth their parent to them.
The kids will be fine - they will worry and will be a little upset but if you speak to them and listen to them and dont drag them into your adult issues they will be fine in no time. I promise.
2007-11-21 15:05:20 · answer #8 · answered by Sunshine Girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are pros and cons for the kids. Both of you are going to need to try harder to show your kids that you both still love them and are both still there for them. It will take a lot of work, but if it's done right, then it can be good for everybody.
2007-11-21 14:29:39 · answer #9 · answered by Crystal 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋