I simply want the same effort that I give. Is that wrong?
2007-11-21 05:44:19 · 44 answers · asked by Xanadu 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Stop trying to be everything he wants and be who you are, he is doing the same thing. Marriage is about compromise but not at the scost of losing your sense of self and who you are or about completely catering to a persons every whim.
2007-11-21 05:50:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If it's become an "effort" that you're having to make, then he's either set his expectations way too high, or you think he needs that from you.
Having a good marriage is a "work in progress"...but it's supposed to be a work in progress times two...both of you have to work at it. However...The only people I've ever heard that want you to "be all you can be" is the Army.
I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is NOT 50/50. There will never be a day in your marriage where you can give an equal share. There will be days where you can only give 20, and your hubby has to make up the rest. Say... when you're ill or after just having a baby..you get the drift. Then, there will be days where your hubby cannot give more than 30, you'll have to make up the rest because perhaps he has a broken foot or something. Do you get the picture here? You are just supposed to give what you can give, and the other makes up the slack. HOWEVER, if you are the ONLY one EVER giving, then a marriage you do not have.
2007-11-21 05:48:51 · answer #2 · answered by Beth 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not wrong, but I learned a long time ago that people will not automatically return the love and you effort you give them. The laws of physics (every action causes an equal reaction) do not apply to society. I'm not saying to give up trying, it sounds like you're a kind and sensitive person for doing so. But it's also naive to assume people will change because you love them. They will not. It's on your husband to give you what you need, and if he cannot then you should not be with him. I'm deeply sorry for your difficulties, however, and wish you the very best. I have been there before, my friend!
2007-11-21 05:49:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Does he know specifically what the type of effort you want from him looks like? Because you can tell him until you're blue in the fact that you want to see the same effort in him, but if he thinks that working his butt off at work is what you want, then he'll never be able to prove it to you in your eyes, right?
I think sometimes men are better with conceptual effort than physical effort. I don't know--that might just be my husband.
2007-11-21 10:47:43 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men think differently than women do. To a man, just going to work and providing for his family is his way of showing love to his wife. Just know, the more you act dissatisfied with your husband the more you will end up pushing him away. Why not reverse this by working real hard at the positive things he does. Tell him how you appreciate him going to work every day. Show him admiration and you will be surprised how this will go a long way. I recommend you get that book "The Proper Care Of Love & Feeding Of Husbands" by Dr Laura. This book has taught me alot about how different men and women think and how a man reacts to a womens critical feelings towards him as contrast to her appreciation of him. Get it, I feel it will be very educational for you and it could save your marriage. Best of luck to you!
2007-11-21 05:57:40 · answer #5 · answered by pictureshygirl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No not wrong just unrealistic. The more you do for a person the more they want and take you for granted. I do the same thing. My husband is a good husband doesn't cheat on me and loves me for who I am however if he is off of work and has all day long to do nothing why do I come home with a sink full of dishes. Really upsets me. It is because he takes me for granted and is to lazy to do them because he knows I will get up and do them. I had a talk with my husband regarding this it really didn't do no good but get us in an arguement. My husband is not going to change and yours probably wont either.
2007-11-21 05:50:11 · answer #6 · answered by luvlisteningtomusic 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No that's not wrong at all. In fact that's the case with every couple. I face the same problem with my partner..not that he isn't loving. Yes, men love to act difficult.Chauvinism is in their nature. They think that acting difficult and not listening to their partners make them superior. Try and make him understand by having a conversation..by telling him how much u love him and how much the relationship means to u. Tell him that u would sincerely appreciate if he did put in some if not as much as u do...to be a good husband. I'm sure it'll take some time but if he loves u..he'll definitely work upon it gradually. I'm still trying for the same...lol:-)
2007-11-21 05:51:46 · answer #7 · answered by ann 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Have you talked to him about it? Have you pointed out what you're doing for him and ask him if he's willing to make some changes for you? We should never change ourselves totally to make someone else happy, but I've learned that often times it is important to change some things. You should sit him down and tell him why you're unhappy, ask if he's willing to make some changes for you and tell him why these things are important to you. Although, you should first decide if these things ARE truly important. For instance, I asked my husband to please put his dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the floor. After 10 years I realize that's never going to happen, but I'm certainly not going to get upset about it. With all that being said, it's also important for you to realize that it's not realistic to think you can totally change your husband into the dream husband you want. Just because you're willing to do something doesn't mean he will be, or even should be.
2007-11-21 05:52:58 · answer #8 · answered by Naturally Good 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
from experience. You are not gonna be able to change him that's just the way he is. It happened to me, my husband was very affectionate all the time, and i was not. And now that i want him to be like that he wont, he said he got tired of showing me how much he loved me and i was never affectionate with him. Now i'm affectionate but he is not, at least not how he was. But i'm still gonna continue doing the same hopefully one day he'll go back to being affectionate again.
So just keep on being the way you are, he'll realize it and change for you.
Or you can stop being affectionate , maybe then he'll realize it and then he'll change.
2007-11-21 05:54:12 · answer #9 · answered by Me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is seldom 50/50...in most cases one spouse does more giving than the other. When you toss in unreasonable expectations following marriage, things turn bitter. You might consider counseling or a couples seminar. Focus on his good attributes and expect that no one in your life can make you happy...you must do that for yourself.
2007-11-21 06:37:05 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋