Husband won't Touch me. WHat would you do in my shoes?

Question

my husband is the type of person that holds grudges for years. Yesterday, after 2 months of no physical contact whatsoever, I told him what is going on. He says he is not an animal that can just have sex. For him sex is a balance of the heart , emotions, blah blah blah. He says I have been bad to him and therefore no sex until I change. WTF! I am so sick of this. I am ready to throw in the towel. He refuses counseling. WHat would you do in my situation?

BTW, I am not fat, ugly or super thin. I am thin with curves in all the right places. Educated and quite girly.

Answer 1

I am sorry that some of the people who have answered here have been rude to you. You do not deserve that from your husband or from mean people on this site.

There are a lot of men who do not have much of a sex drive or who have sexual issues who often cover it up by blaming theor wives. There are also many men who will use rejection as a form of abuse and control.

Even if you did do something bad to him, even if your body had changed since you first got married, you do not deserve this treatment.

Some of the people answering say he is cheating, that may be true but withdrawing sex is rarely a sign of cheating. This looks more like a control issue and a way to keep your attention on what may be wring with you (probably nothing) so that you won't question him on his sexual problems or lack of communication skills.

If there really were a problem with something you have done to him and he actually wanted things to get better between the two of you he would need to talk to you about it and work out a reasonable solution together so that things would be better in the future.

I know many couples who have stayed married for decades like this. He will not have sex, he blames her, shee feels bad and does not get her needs met. This is so much more common than anyone may ever really know.

This problem will not get better without serious counseling and willingness on both your and his part to do the work involved to build a healthy relationship.

If he is not willing then you have to decide. How long are you able to live in a marriage without sex before you let go and move on.

I know one couple where the woman has decided to be ok with it until the children are grown. She has worked it out with her husband so they can treat eachother with love and respect so the children are no longer exposed to fights. She is using this time to deepen her spirituality and to further her career as ways to channel the sexual energy. She is not asking him for sex and he knows that some day she will leave.

I know another couple who have remained married this way for 50 years. They love eachother deeply still but they still fight firecely after 50 years of this same problem.

I know many other couples who have divorced and the women have moved on to more satisfying relationships.

Answer 2

Your husband has a rather immature approach. I know because I used to be that way, but I grew out of it. Being like that got me no where but more upset.

1) He needs to agree to try counseling. If he cannot do that, then that is a sign he is unwilling to show that he is willing to help fix the marriage. What happens if you go to counseling and find out he is right about everything? He has nothing to lose other than payment for a session. But it would be backed up by a licensed doctor's opinion. Or maybe he might find out that he is not perfect and might need to compromise here and there and make some changes. If he is unwilling, why should you be the only one?
2) He needs to learn to get rid of the idea of sex being a privilege rather than a right. If you two were simply dating, I could understand refusing to sleep with someone who was being rude or disrespectful. But when you agree to marry, there are these vows where you promise to have and to hold. That means you are obligated to provide physical (sexual) intimacy to your partner within reason. Cutting you off for weeks due to a grudge is not reasonable. It might even be viewed as an attack on the marriage itself.
3) You need to learn to understand him and communicate with him, so you can find resolution to your problems. He obviously wants something and is willing to punish his penis in order to get it. That right there says it's very important to him. Try accepting it as being just as important and see if you can reach some kind of agreement. If you two cannot compromise and he refuses to go to counseling, then you need to learn to submit to him when he demands or leave him because he will not change.

Answer 3

Man are sure you didn't marry a woman thats usually the crap us men here from the wife. I think you must talk to him and give him an ultimatum like either we go to counselling to resolve this crap so we can carry on in this marriage or it is over. Really he sounds very strange very strong feminine qualities. I'm a guy and sorry to say for most men it is hard to say no to sex. I guess you got the guy who acts like a lady.

Really he needs some counselling usully it the wife that dwells on sh it not the husband.

May God Bless You and Best Wishes.

One other thing if you cheated on him be thankful he did not throw you to the curb!. Really you want a clear answer explain the reason?.

Answer 4

It seems like he holds lots of grudges and resentments towards you, so you have to try to analyze yourself and see what ticks him off. The fact that he won't tell you what is bothering him is not good, so counseling is in order. If he refuses, then I would tell him you are leaving. See what happens then..he may make a complete turn around and resume sexual relations with you. If not...pack a bag, get out and start divorce proceedings. You can still make a new life for yourself...

Answer 5

He is getting it somewhere else. He is also trying to control you. No guy goes a couple of months when he has a willing partner at home.

Best have him investigated. Hire a private detective and find out what he is really doing.

Sounds like he may have some narcissistic tendencies. You can go on line to 'Narcissistic Personality Disorder' and read about it, see if any of it fits him.

You may also benefit from reading 'Co dependent No more' it helps you to understand and cope with a controlling partner. Be controlled no more.

Answer 6

Then I do not see his problem it is time for you to get on the move he does not want to have sex with you and you are not what he expects well to bad find someone that will take good care of you this is not fair. And he might not want it anymore because he si getting it from somewhere else think about that. But anyway get out if you say how you are then you are good for any man then when he sees that you are gone he will cry and wonder I had her know I lost her.

Answer 7

Geeze lady, you actually have a man that has sex for the right reason. Love, and you are complaining. You know how many women would treat your husband like a king? What ever you did to put him in this state, Appologize before you loose him. I guarantee if he is set free, he will be snapped up in a hearbeat.

Answer 8

If your husbands not getting it from you then he is getting it elsewhere. Seems like he's bored. You guys have to work this out cause the only thing sex balances out is stress. Trust me I haven't had sex in almost 2 months and I've never been so stressed in my life lol.

Answer 9

I don't understand these husbands who won't have sex with their wives... it makes no sense to me. Then additionally I don't understand how a husband could dismiss his wife coming to him with a problem and then not agreeing to do something about it. the way i see it is, if something is an issue to just one spouse then it's an issue to the marraige. If my wife came to me with something she thought was a problem, and wanted to go to a counselor about it, even if I din't think it was such a big deal, i would still agree to go and see it through. I'm gonna be honest, i don't know what i would do if i had such a stubborn spouse, I mainly wanted to say that I feel for you, and think your situation is unfair... jeez, all these unsatisfied wives around here... i would be nervous as hell if my wife was telling me she was unsatisfied...

Answer 10

If that is what his mindset is then there will be very little you can do to change it. I hope for your sake that you have stock in batteries, unless you plan on getting satisfaction somewhere else. I don't understand a man who witholds intimacy in a relationship for whatever reason. If he wants to dwell in the bad then let him. Eventually you will have enough and take your lovin' somewhere else.