I went on craigs list to look for a job and all I did was look down, I saw that the w4m under "erotic" was clicked. I could tell it was clicked because it was a different color than the other links. I sat there going through every page until I saw what he clicked on, it was a female, with a pic, looking for fun. I called him at work to ask him, he said "It wasn't me." He even swore on our children, (they're babies). I knew it was him so he finally admitted it, he said he was just curious and clicked on it. I am disgusted, 1st that he lied to be and then that he did that in the first place. He says he was just on the internet and that's all it was. I told him I want out of this marriage, am I overreacting? I'm hurt and upset and hate him right now. I told him why don't we tell your family the story over thanksgiving dinner and see what they think. I feel like I'm going to throw up right now, I have to keep myself composed for the sake of my children, both still in diapears
2007-11-21 05:01:56 · 29 answers · asked by Yasmina 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yasmina,
Take a deep breath and sit him down and talk to him about his commitment to your marriage. If he is unwilling to talk, seek a counselor or a marriage and family therapist. Don't react out of emotion because your entire family is at stake. Just because he was looking does not mean that he was acting on it.
You deserve an apology from him for lying to you. But to go a bit deeper, is there something going on between the two of you that would make him stray? Are his needs being met?
Don't throw away a person because he's broken or because he made a mistake. Marriage takes work and it takes forgiveness. Those who post and advocate you leaving have no conception for what that choice would have on your children, who are innocent.
Start by talking. Seek help to save your marriage. It is worth that isn't it?
Best Regards,
Docmase
2007-11-21 05:24:33 · answer #1 · answered by Docmase 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From the strength of your reaction I have to assume that you have had suspicions of infidelity before this. Do you believe this is a one time thing? Or do you believe he's been playing you all along? If you are already thinking of divorce, I have to assume the latter. If he's lied to you before, then he's obviously not to be trusted and you are right to be so upset. If this is the first time he's done something like this, then maybe you should give him a chance. Maybe get some marriage counseling to improve communication and make fair and reasonable ground rules for the marriage. Divorce is a big step and being a single mother is a difficult thing. I don't advocate staying in a marriage for the childrens' sake, but I do suggest you consider very carefully all of the ramifications before taking irrevocable steps. Good luck with this, and try to get some advice from someone who knows you both that you trust. Yahoo is great, but not the best for this type of problem.
2007-11-21 05:11:30 · answer #2 · answered by Rebeckah 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whatever you do, don't "share" this happy family story over thanksgiving dinner. You have no right to ruin thanksgiving for everyone. Now, think hard about your husband, and how he really is, not just this incident. Call him and tell him you are mad not just because he was looking around on the Internet but he lied and swore on your babies. Are you overreacting? No. But welcome to marriage. Eventually everyone screw up, big time. Tell your husband what hurt you more is him lying. He will say, but I lied to protect you because I love you. You say if you love me, you should not have been snooping over the Internet in the first place. Case close. There is really nothing more that can be said. If you can forgive him, then do, and move on. If you can't, get counseling or get a divorce.
2007-11-21 05:11:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm married but don't have children. My husband and I went through this last year. To say the least, our marriage hasn't gotten any better. However, it's because my husband can't see what that has done to me. At least I tried (and continue)to work it out. Before you decide to end the marriage, see if you can work it out. Go to a marriage counselor. Have a long talk with him about what's changed in your marriage. Sometimes people (usually men) would like a little glimpse of what they are missing and temptation is high with our age of technology. He might not have cheated physically, but he has mentally. You need to nip this in the bud right now before he physically cheats. I hope this is at least helpful.
2007-11-21 05:15:03 · answer #4 · answered by karinali 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow...deep breath. first off, if the situation were reversed...would you tell you that you had done something to upset your significant other? sounds like he knew you would be upset and didn't want to hurt you. men are not always the smartest when it comes to ignoring curiosity. he didn't do anything with this girl, and from what you have said he didnt even chat with her. he looked at her profile because a part of him thought she was attractive. it does not mean he doesnt think you are attractive, nor does it mean your marriage is doomed. I understand your want to heave or hate him for what he has made you feel...but you obviously love him for a reason so why not try talking to him instead. tell him how upset his actions made you and that there is a difference between having female friends and co workers and ogling their scantilly clad bodies on the internet. tell him that you would not disrespect him like that, so it hurts that he feels the need to do that to you. chances are he is probably ashamed that he got caught and had no real intention of doing anything but looking at her. that sounds bad enough, but bringing it up at thanksgiving dinner is only going to make your family angry with him and make it more difficult for the two of you once things are resolved as you will be constantly defending him to your family. try to step back, take a little while to think things over and figure out what truly bothers you about the entire situation. then address it to him as an adult and see what he has to say. tell him that you will be keeping an eye on his internet perversions, and that you would hope he has enough respect for you not to repeat the same mistake twice. Though your anger has you a bit emotional, he has to respect your feelings too which he clearly didnt. give him a bit of a break though. it was wrong of him...but it isnt like he slept with her or even had interaction at all with her...it was a photograph. that would be like if he got angry at you for flipping through tv channels and seeing a nude man on cinemax. and though he saw her picture, it does not mean that he enjoyed her more than you.
2007-11-21 05:19:26 · answer #5 · answered by piercing_beauty96 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men never seem to realize how much this hurts. Even though I am attractive and get plenty of attention, every BF I have had got caught having female internet chat buddy that they discussed things with that they did not share with me. They dont understand that we want that intimacy and trust kept in the relationship.
Your situation is classic. Getting caught natural reaction is to lie so no surprise.
But he should acknowledge that what he did caused you pain and agree that he will not behave that way in the future because it damages trust.
Now if he is late from work or you can't reach him you will be wondering if he is hooking up with someone from W4M and that is his fault. Because you will be wondering just how "curious" he might be.
I would tell him that to rebuild your confidence and trust he will need to agree not to do that anymore and not be surprised if you need more reassurance of his love and attraction for awhile.
So you guys should have some date nights to work this out. And he should not be miffed if you expect him to explain things more than usual. What man wants an insecure wife? So he should be happy to rebuild your self-esteem.
2007-11-21 05:25:00 · answer #6 · answered by cathoratio 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Deep, deep breath.
Yes, he lied to you. Yes, he looked at erotic pictures. Yes, you should be mad. However, you need to calm down and give your head some time to clear. I don't think this is something you should be ending a marriage over. He's not cheating on you. He might have clicked out of sheer curiosity. Doesn't mean he'll do it again. Doesn't mean that he now wants to leave you for this other woman. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Doesn't mean he did this to hurt and humiliate you.
Calm down, and once you are calm, go talk to him about how much it hurt you and ask him not to do it again. Ask him to never lie to you again if you ask him about such things, because the lying will just lead to bigger problems. Then wait. If he does care, he will not look up such pictures again.
Frankly I would be more upset that my husband lied to me about looking at the picture than about him actually looking at the picture. Looking is not cheating, but lying to me is a big deal.
2007-11-21 05:08:51 · answer #7 · answered by mikah_smiles 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
That is a freaky thing to find. He probably was just looking at her...however what lead him there in the first place? If this were my husband, I would find a babysitter for an entire day and night this weekend if at all possible and find out why he isn't happy...are the kids too draining on your marriage for him....is he looking at you like a mommy and not a wife anymore....are you putting him first in the marriage? sometimes when we have kids we forget that our marriage is the foundation of the family and put the kids first...happens a lot....probably nothing has happened yet...sounds like he is restless though.
2007-11-21 05:07:24 · answer #8 · answered by Ali C 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, curiousity and action are different things. However liars are liars. You'll never know which side of that fence he's on and he'll obviously lie about it either way.
My advice, if you want, give him one shot...for the kids' sake. If not, then out with him.
Oh BTW...Debra X...Please go the ____ away with your rash and harsh sexist generalizations. You're obviously hurt, and can't get past it. I pity you. I'm a good and loving man, and a great father. Some guys can be decent, educated, civil and loyal.
2007-11-21 05:06:52 · answer #9 · answered by chaoss13 6 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You know, he might have just been having fun fantasizing.
To leave your marriage over clicking on it is seriously overreacting I think.
The lie is understandable - you clearly scare the hell out of him and threaten to leave him over any slight of his character. I'd lie to you too. Why should he tell you the truth when you are going to slaughter him?
I think the bigger issue would be if he contacted her. If he didn't, he is just getting giddy thrills over a fantasy.
Maybe he dreams of a woman who doesn't want to cut his testicles off?
EDIT it's fun to fantasize - and to some guys (I have known some) just knowing that there might be some ho out there who just wants to do them is enough of a thrill on it's own. TALK to him. Not yell, cry, scream. TALK.
You have SERIOUS communication problems. It's not fun to break these down. But it's worth it.
EDIT Oh yeah if you spill this to other family members in an attempt to make him look like a total jerk I think you will probably ruin what's left of your marriage.
2007-11-21 05:06:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 1⤋