Why won't my husband talk to me?

Question

Anytime I talk to my husband about an issue, he'll turn the TV on, or start doing other things. He won't look at me nor make any eye contact. He just sits there and pays attention to whatever else is around him. Then he says I never stop talking and all I do is nag. I try to communicate with him calmly but he just doesn't listen. I've turned the tv off, found "better" times to talk, but it almost seems impossible. He seems like he doesn't care that it upsets me. I am 3 months pregnant and I want to make this work, but it's making me crazy. Why won't he talk or listen?? What can we do to gain better communication?

Important Issues Include:
*bills
*spending time together
*the baby
*family
*Life in General
*sex

My goodness everyone here is accusing me of being a nag..shouldn't have asked the question. I guess I'm all to blame b/c I care about my relationship and WANT it to work...and I feel it's failing. Let's be POSITIVE here..there is already enough negativity draining me.

Answer 1

Ok, I should start by getting this out of the way: First of all, I have no doubt in my mind that to him, in his mind, you are nagging. I also have no doubt in my mind that you, in your mind; you're just trying to have some sort of communication.

Why??

Simple, men and women speak different languages. What to you seems like a simple question or request, to him seems like a demand. And to be truthful it is a demand. You are demanding that he talks to you. That's never going to work, because if the moment he comes home, you start talking and demanding (in his mind) he's going to want to block you out!! I would want to block you out!

Now please, do not think that I am blaming you. You have no way of knowing that you’re sabotaging your self here. To us, women, it is a sign of love to talk to each other, we care therefore we talk, men are wired differently. And often we make the mistake of giving men what WE want/need from them, and men do the same. So, if we take that theory and look at your situation, it's very simple to see, he NEEDS you to leave him alone, and you NEED him to talk to you. Since he doesn't want to talk, I bet your asking, well how do I accomplish that?!?! One thing to remember is that if you change, inevitably your partner will change too... If you give him what he needs, he'll feel more open to give YOU what you need. How do you accomplish this??? Well, for starters, let him hide out in his cave for a while, be loving and supportive, let him know that you will be there whenever he's ready to talk, and leave it at that. Don't turn the TV off and go on a rambling rampage, it's really not necessary.

Ok, let's say he gets home from work and runs straight to watch TV. You want to talk to him, so you go to him, and say: "Would you let me know when you have a minute, I'd really like to spend some time with you and talk?" (IMPORTANT: Worded this way, he has the option of saying yes or no, men who feel they're given the option to say no are more inclined to say yes).

Don't explain; don't tell him about what (unless he asks, and if he does keep it short). He'll probably ignore you because he's so used to you "nagging", if he does ignore you, simply say: "It doesn't have to be right now, but let me know when you're ready to talk." and walk away. Do not get mad, do not throw stuff, do not stand in front of the TV and him... LET HIM BE!! and, let him come to you when he's ready, do not ask him every time he comes into the kitchen if he's ready to talk, do not act mad and give him the silent treatment either. Act natural, loving, supportive and patient... VERY patient.

He will notice the change and you will more likely get his attention better, because he'll be wondering what you want to talk about! Once he does come to you to talk, be very careful how you say things, men are very sensitive when it comes to that, simply because what means one thing to you can mean something completely different to him.

When you finally get him talking... use simple sentences, be direct and firm. Do not hint. Men don't understand hints.

Good luck & blessed be...

~ Nessa ~

P.S. It is really difficult to explain on here things that you should know, and specially because I don't know if this is an everyday behavior or if it was one situation, you should definitely read the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray, I think you would find it very helpful.

Answer 2

I am not going to take his side on this as I do not know your relationship. I realize that communication in a relationship is important, and not being listened to can make you feel unimportant. However, sometimes saying nothing for a while can go a long way. I don't mean not talk at all, but just leave issues alone.

My wife and I have a very good relationship, but it also includes knowing when not to talk about something. There are times when she has this virtual list of things she wants to discuss and take care of. I know personally after a long day of work and travel sometimes my brain is tired and I am not receptive to discussing heavy duty topics.

He may be feeling a bit overwhelmed that you are pregnant. Although we are not the ones carrying the child, it can also be stressful for us. He may be just having this feeling of being overwhelmed and therefore not able to discuss things that entail making a decision.

A while ago I hit a wall like this. It was my wife that identified that I have a low grade depression that was making decision making hard. I started taking vitamin B as well as ginseng and changed my diet a bit. I found I was better able to cope. We still have a rule that if either of us is too tired or overwhelmed to discuss something, then we put it aside.

Maybe he just needs you to let him be and not discuss huge issues. If you just give him some space out of respect and let him handle what he can, then all will be better.

If you find after doing so that things are not getting better, then a counsellor would be the next step.

Answer 3

What if you tried to make yourself a little more pleasant to be around? Open yourself up and create a safe place for him to communicate with you without the fear of getting in trouble with you or upsetting you? What if you let go of the little things and quit taking life so serious all the time? Relax, enjoy life, and love where you are right now!! Life does not have to be so hard, enjoy your pregnancy and calm down.... you're only scaring him off!

Just by reading your question, it is clear that you have been a nag and dare I say a bit of a drama queen..... maybe you need to work on your choice of words, because as you can see, everyone automatically reads you as a nag. So get mad at these answers, think about it real hard, make some positive changes to your outlook, and let this change you from within. You only have control over yourself - not others..... If this still doesn't help, then maybe you do need to move on with your life. I do agree with you that communication is vital in a relationship - but you are scaring the poor man (and us too!)

Answer 4

Men generally don't talk much. I am not a good communicator. We think differently than women. Try tackling only one subject at a time, don't dump six problems on him at once. You might want to see how he is feeling about being a father first. I can imagine he might be freaked out a little by the huge change in your lives. I would start by seeing how he feels about the baby. The unfortunate truth is that your lives will never be the same now. It is a good thing though. Most men don't deal with big changes well. It takes us time to adapt. It is also tough to first get used to being a non priority to your significant other. Don't demand his time, tell him you would like to talk and set aside time after you both have had time to unwind from the day and relax. Let him know in advance and try and quietly talk.

Answer 5

Try having your conversations structured. Learn to approach topics with an agenda. So when you discuss a topic, you touch on each point and then conclude. Once a conclusion is reached, the topic is closed. This shoudl give him hope that you will not keep talking and nagging him. I can only imagine the horror he must feel when he considers actually enteratining you with conversation only to have the exact same thing pop up and be a hot issue to deeply discuss no more than 3 days later. Learn to finish what you have to say and let it be over. No man wants to be a part of a neverending conversation that goes no where.

Answer 6

Buy a book call " 5 Love Languages" and read it. Ask him if he feels you are nagging and why? I am sure your mind is in a thousand places and it seems like his is not.

He may just not know how to express what he is feeling and therefor turns to a confort like tv.

I would also suggest taking a long weekend together and try to figure some things out. Communications is key and the book may help.

Answer 7

Have you ever stopped to consider that you dwell on stuff and well he is getting annoyed with it so he tunes you out. Maybe talk to him about something that you haven't discussed before and maybe he will be more attentive. Your pregnant you have mood swings it is normal but really if your husband
is tuning you out it is time to consider counselling the last thing you want to do is bring a baby into a household where the parents have communication problems.

Did he want a child?

Maybe his disconnection from you is because he is nervous and stressed about becoming a father and if he can do it.

Since communication is the most important aspect of any relationship he needs to open to talking with you.

I would not talk about sex right now your pregnant and most guys are grossed out or scared of hurting the growing baby so just drop that topic until after you have had the kid.

I think you need to ask him what he would like to talk about
get him to start talking about something if he starts communicating with you it will not fell like you are the one doing all the talking.

One last thing what are his interest maybe do something he likes for a change start reflecting interest in stuff he enjoys and maybe he will come around.

DID YOU PLAN THIS PREGNANCY OR WAS IT AN ACCIDENT IF IT WAS THE 2ND CHOICE MAYBE HE DOESN'T REALLY WANT TO BE A DADDY AND LIKES THE SIMPLE LIFE JUST YOU AND HIM.
IF THIS IS THE CASE HIS WHOLE WORLD IS BEING SHAKEN UP LIKE ICE IN A BLENDER.

Really consider some counselling professional assistance is needed sometimes to break a communication issue.

Answer 8

Honey first of all he needs to start paying attention to you. NO communication can take place with just one person talking and no one listening. Maybe you guys need to try a marriage counselor. Someone needs to be there to mediate and make sure he's receiving the information you're sending out.

Answer 9

I know a little about what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband. I tried for three years to talk about our problems and how unhappy I was. When I had finally had enough, I told him that we needed to talk and I told him one last time that I was unhappy. He asked me what I wanted to do about it. I told him that I guess I want a divorce. His answer told me that he did not want to work on the relationship/marriage. I don't really have a good answer for you, my suggestion is to keep trying. If you really want this work, then don't give up. I was lucky, we didn't have kids to worry about and I was able to make a clean break, so to speak.

Maybe make two lists of things that you want to talk about, give a copy to you husband with a date and time. This way he will have a chance to think about everything and can formulate responses. My ex's idea of dealing with conflict was to ignore it. That doesn't work!

If you need to talk, email me.

Answer 10

Yahoo answers is NOT the place to be asking such personal questions. Most people here are just giving you their opinions. I recommend talking to a therapist or psychologist. They are educated in this area and can help you much more than here.

A marriage counselor could help too, but don't ask your husband to join you. It sounds like that would just make things worse right now. Go by yourself at first until you feel you can have the big discussion with him about attending with you.

If you have health insurance, it most likely will cover most of the cost of a visit. Good luck!