Is it ok to let my neighbour flirt with my wife?

Question

Is it ok to let my neighbour flirt with my wife?
My neighbour continually hits on my wife. When we are together he continuously stares at her. At first she didn't notice anything, I told her about it and she said she would watch to see if he was doing it. After a month or so went by with this going on, I have noticed that she has started to flirt back with him. At first it was pretty innocent, like giving each other hello and goodbye kisses. Now she allows him to make comments that are somewhat sexual in nature. I find that they are somewhat leading comments. My wife's comments are not leading but somewhat of a flirting nature. I have expressed my concern that I'm not comfortable with this! She allows him to talk about what a MILF she is and say other crude things, but she thinks its funny and not a big deal. My wife has no interest in him, she says. I am sure she finds it flattering, but it is drives me crazy. She feels that I'm overreacting and that it's harmless. I tell her it is not appropriate for him to talk to a married woman like that, she says I am way to jealous about this and it is my own problem. I totally trust her but I feel he has other motives! I don't know how to get that across to my wife without getting her mad at me.

A few weeks back, my wife told me our neighbour has stopped coming around, but a friend of mine told me he met them in town. When I asked her about it, she said she met him when she went to buy a pair of shoes, and he accompanied her and help her choose a right pair. I am uncomfortable with the idea of them both together and him helping her try shoes and touching her feet etc. At another time, I saw two plates in our sink, again my wife told me nobody came home that day. Why would she lie to me, I am not sure.

Answer 1

never..

Answer 2

This situation has gone on for too long. You should have nipped it in the bud & it's going to be more difficult to deal with now. You sound like a rather serious and thoughtful man who is perhaps not very outwardly demonstrative towards his wife? You drew her attention to this man in the first place and should have treated him with ridicule. Instead of criticising your wife, I suggest you start flirting with her yourself and making a great fuss of her to let her know you care for her more than anything else. The fact that you have let this situation escalate has demonstrated to your wife - and this man - that you don't care. This isn't flattering to your wife that you allow another man to chat her up. People do not give hello/goodbye kisses to their neighbours. It's not normal and this behaviour should stop NOW. I also think you should take this neighbour aside privately and tell him to stay away. Don't make a big scene about it. Just let him know that you do not appreciate the way he stares at your wife, kisses her and tries to flirt with her. Tell him that because of his disrespectful behaviour he is NOT welcome in your house anymore. If you can manage to look a little menacing when you do this it would help. He will no doubt bluster at you that there is nothing in it and it's just your imagination. Say you are very glad to hear it but reiterate that he should keep his flirting to himself and stay away from your wife. His actions are not that of a friend and neighbour and are embarrassing to see. You should be talking to him - not trying to lock up your wife. If this doesn't work and the situation continues after you've spoken to him - take yourself and your wife off to marriage guidance counselling because there's something seriously wrong with your relationship that needs sorting out fast if you don't want a divorce.

Answer 3

Harmless flirting can be fine, and your wife likely finds it flattering because it reaffirms her feeling that she is still attractive. If you trust her, there's probably very little to worry about.

That said, however, your feelings are not unjustified or unreasonable. You have every right to feel a little jealous and a little threatened, and your wife should respect that, even if your neighbor does not. You can take a two-pronged approach to try to resolve this without causing a fight or unpleasant situation.

First – flirt with your wife. A lot. Don’t let it lead to sex all of the time – that will change the meaning and intent. Just flirt. Tell her she’s sexy. Tell her she’s hot. Always when it can’t turn into anything more. During a dinner party, brush past her while helping in the kitchen and gently pinch her butt and whisper something in her ear. When you’re at a party at someone else’s house, steal a secret kiss in the coat closet or when the hostess has her back turned. Let her know through your actions that she’s desired, and that you think she’s sexy.

Then – tell your neighbor, politely, to knock it off. “Hey, Bill. I’m not really all that comfortable with you hitting on my wife all of the time. It used to be harmless flirting, and, you know, whatever, but it’s getting a bit out of control here. Dial it back a notch, will you?”

If your wife is receiving reassurance from you that she’s still attractive, and you approach your neighbor in a non-threatening way, giving him permission to flirt a little, then you will be in complete control of the situation. You can make your wife giggle and blush by grabbing her at the opportune moment – in front of your neighbor if need be to remind him who is taking her home – and you can rein him in if the need arises with a joke. “Wow… I feel like I’m in a porn movie! Does that really work in getting the ladies, stud?”

Good luck to you!

Answer 4

I was thinking it was total innocence until you got to the shoe part. No self respecting man would ever want to help a woman shop for shoes. This guy is a total slimeball. Maybe he and your wife have not done anything together, but she sees that you are jealous. So she may keep her interactions with this guy secret from you. She doesn't want you to get mad over nothing. It's understandable, but it's still disrespectful. I bet if there was some chick next door always hitting on you, your wife would be livid if you expected her to ignore it.

I suggest you go over there (to his house or where ever you see him) like a man and let him know that he should politely back off. You can express this to him without sounding like you're about to fight or whatever. You don't have to be mean. Just make a simple suggestion. See how he responds. If he apologizes and says he'll back off then, you're probably in the clear (unless he's lying to you). If he becomes defensive, you may need to beat his ***. In this case I suggest you carry a length of hose about 2 and 1/2 feet long. Most people do not expect a hosebeating, but they learn very quickly that it's not fun to receive one.

Answer 5

Ultimately, what you need to know is if your wife loves you or not. If you know she does and you really trust her, then, trust her. If you are not sure, then you definitely will find out if this situation continues. Nobody can tell you what's going on in you wife's brain. Is this a little odd? Yes, it is but when you are married with someone you find out that they are different in more ways than one.
This flirting will either fade away, continue the same or get stronger and culminate in your wife telling him off or having an affair with him. Either way you will have your answer. If you insist with your wife, can you change her mind now? The answer is no. You're out of options.

Answer 6

Well, first of all, accept the fact that you have no control over their behavior, period. Nothing you can do. Second, accept the fact that you have full control of your own behavior. You cannot change what they do, but you can change how you react to it. If I were you, I'd tell your wife that you are not comfortable with this, and that if it doesn't stop, you're not going to stick around. Since she is participating in the flirting, I don't really understand why you trust her...I wouldn't. It doesn't matter if she thinks you're jealous. If you're not comfortable with this, then you need to stand your ground. She needs to tell the neighbor to stop (that means no kissing...I mean, come on, he's kissing her????). No more comments, no more hugs, nothing.

I wouldn't even have stuck around this long, personally. I wouldn't be handling it well if this was my husband...I'd just leave. I wouldn't say a word, I'd just pack my bags and go. But only you know what's right for you. Don't try to control their behavior, but let her know what you will do with yourself if her behavior continues.

Edit: I just read your edit. She's sleeping with him. Leave.

Answer 7

I usually hate to make comments like this... but it really sounds like she's cheating on you. If she's not, she has an interest in pursuing a friendship of some sort with this man and doesn't want you to know b/c she knows how you feel... either way, she's not being completely honest and is attempting (rather poorly) to conceal it from you. I say you speak to the neighbor individually, man-to-man. You and your wife also need to have some serious, long conversations about how this relationship makes you feel like. Even if it's innocent at it's core, it still bothers you. And at the end of the day, that's all that should matter to her.

Answer 8

no..its not ok and its not ok that she flirts back.
Is there something missing from your marrige? Do you show her enough affection? does she show you enough? Do you respect eachother and still love one another?

I don't think your over reacting. As for the "MILF" thats gross.
Shes allowing some man to degrade her, than she has lost all respect for herself. (if all she wants to be is some man's toss and play why did she get married??)
Not to be mean but whats next is she gonna be his 7-11 (OPEN 24-7) so he can call her when he needs a refill.???

MILF in on way shape of forum should be taken as a compliment. Besides you MILF a dog....


added: you want to put her on the spot??? Call her a MILF at the next family gathering...if she gets upset say will isn't that what Tom(or whatever your neighbors name is) calls you. why cant I after all you are my wife.

Yes granted its letting the cat out of the bag and may cause a whole lot of drama but why not?? she obviously craves the attention..

Than ask her if she wants to be with him?? if she says yes tell her to go be with him and let her know that the door is not a revolving one.

Answer 9

sorry it sounds like she's on the path to cheat w/ him, if she's not there already. We have a neighbor that was like that with me. At first it was just lighthearted and joking, and yes I did find it flattering. then he invited me to a neighborhood pool party at his pool. I told him my hubby had to work and he said thats ok, come anyway. So I show up and it is just him, nobody else, and he wants to take pics of me in my swimsuit. so that is when i wizened up and put a stop to it right there! so it sounds like your wife has not put a stop to it yet, on the contrary she is leading him on. It is starting to cross the line from lighthearted to serious, if it hasn't already. And this guy has already made it obvious what his intentions are. who knows if the plates in the sink are really evidence of something, or maybe she just got hungry and had an afternoon snack after lunch. you can't let your paranoia run wild. you need to confront her about it, gently but honestly, tell her your fears and talk it all out w/ her. let her know that even though it's flattering it can't continue, and if she values her marriage she'll understand. also definitely confront him about it -- do it when she is not there, & maybe have a shotgun in one hand and your marriage license in another, to reinforce your point. good luck!

Answer 10

It seems like you, (the man) are letting this thing get too out of hand. Your wife's clearly lying to you. Step up and be a man and confront that man about flirting with your wife. Let him know that he's overstepped his bounds and if you see him doing it again you guys are going to have some serious problems. If your wife won't tell him to stop you step up and show her who wears the pants!

Answer 11

You told you're wife that it made you feel uncomfortable and she should've respected that, not continued to flirt back and allowed those types of comments to be said. Many women flirt with absolutely no intention of taking it further, but this has gone on too long and now she is just being disrespectful towards you and your marriage.