we have been married for 8 years, together as high school sweethearts, he chose alcohol over me and our 2 children. Became verbally and emotionally abusive and after a few times of physical abuse , There was an order of protection put into place, that he continued to violate, so he has been incarcerated for 8 months. Throughout this time, i have filed for divorce and he has been served his papers, he has continued to write to me, stating how much he loves me and wants me and that he will not accept our divorce. i have given him our home and moved out. He will be realeased from jail next week and im just scared to see how desperate he is and what he will do. can anyone give me advise please........anyone dealt with this before
2007-11-21 01:53:08 · 42 answers · asked by virginia 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You should move somewhere he can't find you. Talk to your laywer about it you might be able to court order him to sign it, especially if you've been separated for a while.
2007-11-21 01:57:49 · answer #1 · answered by your_gurl_leah 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would ask your lawyer or a lawyer if it was legal in your state for the court to grant a divorce due to the situation. I know in NC if you do not respond when your papers are served in a certain amount of time then the court will grant the divorce.
I know it sounds rough but I would cut all ties to his family and friends so no one will know where you are, assuming your family doesn't leak the information.Then I would go buy a pistol for personal protection.
People tend to dwell on things when they are in jail, those closed off environments. So hopefully when he is out and has sometime to diffuse he will be a little more rational. Well that's my opinion sorry if it wasn't any help.
2007-11-21 02:06:25 · answer #2 · answered by th_effect 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For starters I hope you changed your last name, back to your maiden name or better yet like my daughter did, change your last name to some other name. You can legally do that.
Second but more important is getting a restraining order. Make sure "YOU" don't violate the restraining order yourself. No contact means no contact.
Lastly, if you ever, ever get physically assaulted by him make sure to file a police report. Do not take sympathy on him for the sake of the kids. That sympathy can and will come back to bite you. And while you are thinking of that, consider moving elsewhere because he certainly will not move away from your area.
Last minute note. Some states offer permanent life time restraining orders. And please don't buy into the words "I love you". He doesn't know what that means. He does know to maniputlate though.
2007-11-21 02:02:36 · answer #3 · answered by Tinman12 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i am lucky enough to not have felt this, but my beautiful sister has.
firstly i would like to say i hope your children and you havnt suffered emotionally, maybe once its over get some counseling together.
i also think you need to stop reading the letters, it just allows him to control the situation still. send them back, that way he'll get the hint and stop.
if your kids dont mind, try moving to where he cant find you, make sure if anyone uses the internet, they dont use their real name as that will lead him there, make up fun aliases, everyone else does :)
see if you can get a police officer to write up an official 'reminder of restraint' notice and have it mailed (no return to sender) every three months, or get a friend who still lives where you are now so he cant track it through the little stamps.
if i think of any more ill add them in an edit.
good luck hon.
2007-11-21 02:03:05 · answer #4 · answered by Isabella 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get another restraining order TODAY. One of the stipulations of his release should be that he not contact you. He should not be contacting you now. Tell on him. Stop accepting his mail.Forward it to the judge. He should not be allowed to contact you other than through a lawyer. You are still giving him control here. Stop communicating with him. Move and don't give him your address. Get a plan to flee in place. Call the crime victim and abuse shelter for better advice. Protect yourself and get safe fast. Protect yourself. Get counseling for real. You may have to leave the state. Call the jail and tell them what is going on and explain your fears. Call the police and get advice. Call a lawyer and get advice. You are right to be afraid. Protect yourself at all cost and throw him back in jail if you are not safe from him.
2007-11-21 01:56:24 · answer #5 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Leaving An Abusive Husband
Even if it's the right thing to do, leaving an abusive husband is a very difficult step to take. Not only do you have to deal with your marriage is ending, but there is also the real threat of how your husband may react to the fact that you are leaving. The following questions and tips from the legal expert can help you prepare as you embark on your journey to freedom.
* What can I do if he controls everything?
* He has a history of domestic abuse. Can he get custody?
* Can supervised visitation be part of our custody agreement?
* He threatened to take me to court if I don't sign over custody.
* Will our custody arrangement change if I go back to him?
* I found out I was pregnant after I left. Do I have to tell him?
* I'm afraid of what my husband will do when I file.
* Protecting yourself if it looks like it will get ugly.
* Will my husband's abuse affect our divorce and child custody?
* How can I claim abuse if I have no proof?
* How can I make him move out?
* How can I keep him from moving back in?
* He says that I won't get anything if I divorce him.
* Will I lose my rights to the home if he claims abandonment?
* If I leave, what will I be entitled to in a divorce?
* How can I stop him from dragging out our divorce?
2007-11-21 01:56:09 · answer #6 · answered by smckech1972 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
My experience has primarily been in helping the woman break off the relationship. You were able to do that, and you should be proud. That being said, in your process of attaining the order of protection, did you gain any friends in law enforcement? They would be good to have around now if you did.
Has he made ANY attempt to overcome his alcohol problem? If he truly loves you, he would.
You're right to be scared. Unfortunately, these situations often blow up and the innocent get hurt. I pray that doesn't happen to you and your children. I would definitely alert your local authorities, and make sure they FULLY realize your fear so they can be sure to be nearby. I wish you all the best.
2007-11-21 02:07:14 · answer #7 · answered by JimBob 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alcohol can cause so many problems in peoples lives. Get another protection order, remind him that jail is just a phone call away for him. My ex had a problem with alcohol, it's been 18 months and he still won't accept that he needs to move on. Be strong, stick to your position, and don't be afraid to call the police. Good luck.
2007-11-21 01:59:46 · answer #8 · answered by Pam H 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If he's telling you any time something happens, then that means he wants you to know that there is nothing there on his side. He wants you aware of her. If your husband loves you then he loves you. If you've already talked about this and you say your relationship is stronger than you just have to trust him. You have to trust that he loves you enough to not cross any lines with her, or any other woman. Also if this girl is your friend, then talk to her about the way she acts around him, and if she won't stop then drop her. Who needs a friend that's trying to get with their husband?
2016-05-24 21:26:21 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Contact the courts IMMEDIATELY. They have victim's advocates there. Ask to speak to one. You should have done that when you received the very first letter. If he was in jail for violatiing an order of protection, sending the letters was enough to extend his sentence.
Have your lawyer file a motion to bar his release on the grounds that even in jail he has continued to violate the order of protection. CALL YOUR LAWYER NOW! Then call the judge that sent him to jail and the victim's advocates.
2007-11-21 02:08:57 · answer #10 · answered by amazingly intelligent 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds tricky you guys were high school sweethearts and all...I'd say simply avoid him and his messages plus stay with family a few months after he gets out and get a restraining order: both will help you protect yourself immensely. Also, if he has not signed the divorce papers and/or refuses to, make sure to give an attorney legal records of the process in case you need them in court later to help explain how clearly you communicated you wanted out, even if you didn't "legally" get out yet.
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But, as a last notice and a human touch toward what sanity may be left in him, write him telling him what you enjoyed about him before IE going out, being a family, good loving...and make it obvious he lost ALL of those qualities when he turned to alcohol and that's why you have annulled the marriage.
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Also I'd give him one provision, if he comes back perfectly clean IE no alcohol (as verified by the police before meeting after a year) and no new criminal incidents after a whole year out of jail you may consider taking a shot at dating again and living together if that goes well.
And after a couple of years of that, if he does not abuse you at all, reconsider marriage.
But also tell him, if he tries to bully you at all into re-marriage sooner than that he loses any and all future chances of re-marriage...and that you will call the cops on him if he tries to contact you again after he replies to your last note.
BTW, I might sound odd being so "optimistic", but my g/f has a father with serious alcohol problems which led to her mother's divorce from him...and yet he has shaped up perfectly and, now, is actually a stronger/more-positive member of the family than the mother (who now dates guys mostly for sex, with bad jobs...) just because of her, now somewhat invalid, grudge.
Not to say it's that common for past alcoholics to shape up, but there is always that 15% possibility you have to watch out for.
....It may be that he loves you enough and has learned enough to break his problem...you just have to make it obvious to him it's a case of "fix your problem or never see or get re-married to me ever again".
2007-11-21 02:10:21 · answer #11 · answered by M S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋