Should I leave my husband?

Question

I have been maried 20 years We have 2 children 17 and 12.
My husband was diagnosed bi-polar 2 years ago and has been on meds that work pretty good for him for about 1 year.
This has been the hardest time for me. He has been verbally
abusive since he has been diagnosed and has had times of violence throwing stuff and breaking furniture. His meds seem to have his violence under control finally. I am no spring chicken and hate the idea of starting over. I am concerned about financial security also It's scarey! But I wake up every other night with bad dreams of selfish and verbal bad behavior from my husband. He is just not the same guy I married. I said until death do us part in sickness and health. But I am miserable. What should I do?

Answer 1

I think we are all confused.... you say that his meds have him under control.... but you want to leave? Your husband is sick....bi polar isnt any more fun to live with than it is to have.... and when he is UP he is great and when he's down, he's just a rotten person. Trust me.... I know all about it.

I would ask you... why are you still miserable? Have you TALKED to your husband about his rages when he wasn't on the meds? Find out from him what he remembers... how he feels about what he did.... I betcha he is very sorry for the damage to both you and the furniture. Tell him how you felt... how miserable you were, but remind him that you're happy that he is getting healthier.

Let go of your hate.... let go of your hurt....

Answer 2

This bi-polar thing is a bunch of crap. Your husband is behaving like a spoiled brat and if he continues this behavior, you need to divorce his butt. You don't have time for his foolishness. You have 2 children to raise. One is almost grown and the other is not that far behind. If you budget your finances and get child support from this man, you can manage. If you're not working, look around for a steady job. When Mr. Bi-polar isn't acting up, tell him that you cannot continue this way. He'll either have to change his behavior, or you'll have to consider other options. He'll know exactly what you mean. And if he becomes abusive, call the police.

Everytime a grownup starts acting like a brat, he's diagnosed as bi-polar. It's about not getting his way and not wanting to accept the responsibility of being a husband and a father. He's not the same man you married, because he hasn't grown with his level of responsiblity. He's still a rebellious little boy. You can't afford to waste time with his temper tamtrums. Decide what you want to do and make it happen!

Answer 3

I completley can relate to your issues, I to am no longer a spring chicken, I just turned 40, but I tell ya what, I look better feel better am as thin as I was in high school, plus Im no longer that young dumb naive girl that I used to be! So keep on thing in mind, age really is nothing but a number, its where your at and where you plan on going with your life that is the key. Sure were no longer spring chickens, but that is no excuse for staying with a man with whom spits out verbal abusive comments like its second nature! And in regards to him not being the same man you married, of course he,s not, they all change, the problem is, is you did,nt change and grow with him, you grew apart, so if he is as bad as you say, and you think that you have exhasted every means of keeping your marriage intact then leave, but dont leave a marriage of 20 years till you have tried everything, and I do mean everything, from communication to marriage therapy, once you think you have done everything possible to keep it together then bail, and dont wait to long, because in another ten years its gonna be twice as hard and you will be even more miserable. I just noticed you have a 12 year old child, I may have to rethink my recomondations, as this is a hard time in life for a child of 12 and then you put a divorce ontop of it all and this child may not have a very bright future, kids from broken homes have way more stress and drama in their lives verses a child from a intact home, you have alot on your plate right now, I say, go into therapy as soon as possible. Good Luck!

Answer 4

None of us are the same as the were 20 years ago. You need to learn more about this disease. For instance, its very unusual for someone to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder later in life. It normally rears it's ugly head before a person's 20th birthday, usually when a young person is off at college. Sometimes it is confused for something else, and they take some time to come up with an accurate diagnosis.

So it was when my daughter was diagnosed 6 years ago. She has never been violent or verbally abusive to anyone. You need to be sure that this is what is really going on with your husband. I do know that the disease affects everyone in the family. You may all need some family counseling to learn to deal with all this. The last thing he needs is to lose his family. Find something good for yourself (hobby or activity) to take the pressure off in the mean time.

Answer 5

Poor thing. My mom has something along those lines and she is in and out of mental health facilities all the time. I see the toll this takes on my dad and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. He's sticking it out, but my wife and I have often talked about how we would understand if he were to leave. (Even though I can't imagine either of them without the other -they're at 35 yrs of marraige).

You know, if he's already being treated for something maybe there is some way you could line up some family/couples therapy... it is never too late to go and talk to someone. You certainly are not the first person to live with a spouse who has psychological dissorder, and there are many, many trained prefessionals out there who can help you.

Good luck dear.

Answer 6

This is a very tough situation and I wish you the best in anything you decide to do. Have you tried talking to him about it, I know he is bipolar and all, but try sitting down with him, and talking to him about his behavior and such. Let him know that you love him, but that it's getting for hard for you, and that you need him to give back a little so that your emotional needs are being met.

Try talking to a counsler, it'll work...either a marriage counsler or just someone who can help you individually. It's important that you realize that you're emotional needs are just as important as anyone elses in the house...but you also have to keep in mind that your decision will affect a sick husband, and two children who I'm sure would be affected by this (especially the 12 year old).

Now, how do you feel about him? Do you still love him, are you still in love w/ him, how is your romance life? do you feel as if the spark is gone? Are you happy but the aggressiveness scares you? Or you are just flat out not happy at all? If you feel like you've reached your limit, by all means move on. It isn't about starting over, it's about freeing yourself of unhappiness..no one HAS to stay with ANYONE to survive. Sure it will be hard to start over, but get a job (unless u have one already), and do something of yourself...do what you think will make you happy...you KNOW what it is, you just might not want it to be what it is...good luck and best wishes..

Answer 7

I understand you on a very personal level. I was diagnosed with something very similar (but more drastic) than your husband. MY husband is threatening to leave me b/c after 8 years he "can't take it". I discovered that my meds weren't right and that's why i was acting out.That is probably what is wrong with your husband.Also,medicine is not a miracle cure,he needs psycotherapy,preferably couple counseling for the both of you.I does not feel good to be abandoned by someone you love b/c of a disease.He is ill,and while you shouldn't be a doormat and take all of his abuse you shouldn't quit on him either.If he WANTS to get better and you truly love him (otherwise don't bother)then help him,b/c there is a light at the end of the tunnel,a nd if you're patient,the person you married will emerge,he's still in there.

Answer 8

Seek counseling from an abuse counselor or crime victims assistance center. Separate from him. You have no reason to be abused by him and he has no excuse, whatever his diagnosis. What is he doing to learn better behavior, better communication skills, better problem-solving skills, anger management? Nothing, right?

Here is what you do: you go file a "NO harrassment Order" with family court or a "Protection from Abuse Order" at your local police station. You tell him you are over putting up with that kind of behavior and to seek help or get out. Then when he acts up, you call the police and press charges. You mean it. Abusers rarely change, but some will when the consequences are enough. Stop tolerating it. Take advantage of your legal rights.

Seek counseling and happiness for you, regardless of what he is doing. Focus on you and let him manage his own issues. This is your life. You deserve to live it happy.

Answer 9

Honey, I do not think that a divorce is in your pitchure, JMO and only JMO, but your husband needs help, the medication he is on, is not working for him, he needs to see another doctor and get a second opinion, this is not your husband, and believe me what those meds are doing to him, he can't stand it!!!! He is just as upset as this as you are.

When I was diagnosed with Post Partum Depression after the birth of my daughter, she is now ten years old now, It took me eight months to a year to find the right doctor and the right medications to get this under control, it was not fun, but my family knew I needed help, and they stood by me and got me the help I needed,

Call his doctor, and tell the doctor he is having side effects that are very unpleasant to you and your children and to him!!!!!

Divorce is not in the pitchure, honey he needs help and a medication that has less side effects and a lower dose is what it sounds like he needs.

Do not give up on twenty years.!

Honey, it is his medication not him, stand by him and call his doctor and tell his doctor what you told us, the medication is making him a different person, and I feel so sorry for him!!!

Can you imagine the he** he is going through, please call his doctor and reduce the medication that he is taking, the medication he is on is strong, maby a medication that can be given at a lower dose will help!!!!!

Answer 10

I"m confused. If his meds are working pretty good, then why are you miserable? Maybe you need some counseling so they can help you cope with living with a bi polar spouse. That would give you an outlet to express yourself and to voice your concerns to a person that won't judge you or flip out on you, and they will be able to help you to learn how to communicate better with your husband. Joint counseling may help too, so that he can understand that living with him isn't always so easy either. That may also help in his treatment so he can start to recognize his triggers and help give him coping skills that don't involve throwing tantrums.