ok! so am i stupid?

Question

i have been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years and have 4 fantastic kids
my fella recently got in touch with an old flame from years ago and the have been chatting online for a while (i had no problem with this at all the were together about 14 years ago) i have spoken to her a few times but the other night he slipped up and told me he still had feelings for this girl i was a bit gobsmaked and put out and hetried to reasure me that it was only a what if thing i tried to forget it but he now tells me she feels the same and that they have said that if they are ever single in the future they will meet up! (she is married with kids)
now they have started texting each other all day then chatting online at night i tried talking to him and he said that ive no reason to worry cos hes not going anywhere and they just needed to get things out in the open so they can get on with being friends i am so confused about what going on in his head and he just tells me nothing when i ask any ideas?

Answer 1

YIKES. Your boyfriend needs to put his time, energy and attention into you and his four kids, not be forming a serious relationship with his old love. It is very easy to play the "what if" game and get along real great when you aren't trying to build a life together and raise four kids. Tell him to make a damn decision and if he is with you in this relationship, then he needs to get his needs met with you, not be having an affair with her, which is what this is. I wouldn't be okay with him texting, chatting and all this. Either he is with you and working on building your life or he has one foot out the door and is leaving his options open. Which is it? You are right. He is out of line. How would he like you chatting with some ex all night? Make waves. Don't play psychologist, parent or analyst to your mate. Decide what is okay and what is not. This is obviously NOT.

Answer 2

Firstly, it is nice that he has told you about being in contact with her in the first place, I mean, you seem fine with it. But, to admit to you, her and himself that he still has feelings for her and then she admits the same, this is where it gets bad. I mean, why are they saying things like they would get together IF they were single in the future. What exactly is he trying to tell you here? That he does not intend to be with you forever, so just in case, she is his back up? That would make me feel very insecure. I just think they have crossed a line and the fact that they know they fancy each other still would unnerve me. i think he is being unreasonable. He has basically said he has a back up but you have nothing to worry about! I think they should not be in touch anymore and he should have some respect for you and your kids and walk away from this so called friendship with her now. She is his ex and you are his girlfirend and the mother of his children, he cannot have both of you in his life, not when he has made it clear he would start it up again with her the moment freedom calls. he is trying to have the best of both here, but I think you should put your foot down and demand some respect. Maybe giving him an ultimatum would not be the wisest choice but just ask him to have a little respect for you. If you two need to rekindle yoru relationship, because he must feel life is not as much fun as it was (we all go through this in relationships, especially long term), then you two need to work on it, rather than him ignoring it and finding his thrill somewhere else. This can only end in disaster for you so maybe try taking his mind off of her, try having some time alone together.

Answer 3

You are not stupid. He has a life with you, a family with you, and he should be focused on you and the children, NOT on a flame from years ago! In fact, I am married and have two children, about three weeks ago an old flame of mine from about 12 years ago contacted me through a professional networking site. We said our hello's, updated each other on our lives and we haven't emailed each other since... the point is we could have totally indulged in one and another and neither spouse would have been the wiser, but she was always a smart girl, and I was not about to go down that path either... so I didn't.

Your guy is way out of line, and she is too! She's married with children. My goodness if I caught my wife texting someone all day long and chatting at night I'd throw her cell phone, computer, and ~ss out the front door. I would not try to understand because there's nothing to understand...

I'm really sorry, I think it's a really big deal, and not something you should have to put up with. I suggest putting your foot down firmly, and letting him know that it is a major issue.

Good luck...

Answer 4

oh boy... the red flag showed when he got in touch w/ her... I would have had a problem w/ that! because this is what happens when you let that happen! anyway... now you have learned not to give a this man an inch because he will take a mile! so, here is what you do... tell him he has to stop all communication w/ this "girl", all! he is to tell her goodbye, have a nice life, good luck, etc! if he does not cut off ALL ties TODAY, you will leave him... or kick him out, whatever the case may be... he will probably come up w/ the excuse that you are not married, he is allowed some freedom... hello... you have children, this is no example for them! so tell him it's to stop...NOW! don't put this off... or it will get worse... that's what I'd do... ultimatum, her, or you! and let me guess, he will say you but still talk to her...don't put up w/ this! if he really cares about you, he will cut off ALL ties...ALL! if he even talks or texts her one more time (after he says goodbye)... he's outta this ball game...!

Answer 5

Where did his respect go. Damn it!!!!!! ask him how he would feel if you had a "what if" thing going on with an old flame on the Internet. Its OK getting in touch with folks and saying "if " but if it is interfering with his everyday life like it is, and consuming his whole being then it stops and it stops right now.Tell him he needs to stop this texting and been on the net all night every night. Say you don't mind once a week but you would like to be present at these conversations. If he has nothing going on then he should not object now should he.Ask him "What If" I were to pack my bags and go and see how much he likes that "What if". You need to make him see how hurtful and disrespectful this is to you. One way to know for sure is to save his MSN or Yahoo conversations and go back and read them, though its not recommended it may give you the answers you are looking for and help you reach a decision.

Answer 6

You are not stupid. If you look up the statistics, you will find many a man or woman was unfaithful with 'that long lost love from their past'. They had feelings for each other; they now are saying they still have feelings; that is a huge 'red flag' that both should stop this communication and turn those feelings toward their spouse; nothing good can come of rehashing old romances. I know, my spouse was faithful for over 23 years until he met up with his old flame at a party. I'd advise him to tell her he hopes she has a great life, but he does not wish to become a part of it.

Answer 7

I don't think you are stupid, but you just have to be more aware of the situation that's going on. It's a respect thing. In my opinion, he should have caught up on old times when he was chatting with her on-line. Since he was doing it for awhile that isn't normal. Also, you said that now they are texting each other....that isn't normal either. It doesn't matter that she is married or that you are his girlfriend at this point.

If he wants to be with you, then he shouldn't be chatting with an old fling. He needs to quit chatting with her and you my friend need to stand your ground. If you are feeling uneasy about this, then you already know that this isn't right. Talk to him about this or else bad things will come out of this.

Answer 8

Oh god. I've just played the 'what if' game and we ended up sleeping in the same bed a few times.
I have lost my job, I am going to lose my house, I am in the process of splitting with my boyf, I am probably going to have leave the area in the next few months.
Be warned if you let them hook up it will not be pretty. There will be alot of lies and deceit. Because flirting and texting leads to only one outcome, and the shall we be friends? has to be resolved with the what if we had sex thing. It probably is harmless fun at the moment but unless one of them cuts it off it probably wont stay that way.

Answer 9

Seriously now...they need to get things in the open? 14 years later? everyone thinks back to the what if's from time to time but dont ACT upon it. this sounds to me like an affair in the works, next it will be: "well, we had to hook up to see if we still had real feelings or not." FORBID his communicating with chick, WHO IS MORE IMPORTANT? his FAMILY or a girl who things obviously didnt work out? he needs to remember why they split up and realise she is probally NOT at all the same person. remind him of how the kidos would feel. I'd tell him HE needs to WILLINGLY tell this chick he is MADLY in love with you and values his family and dont want to talk to her because it's disrespectful to you, or get the f*ck outta your house and go be with chick. then I'd tell her man the "feelings" they think they have for one another.

get on the computer and PRETEND to be him and chat with girl and see where the convo goes.

so it went to chatting to texting next will be phone calls, then hook ups, this is already and emotional affair whether lust or real feelings, feelings are involved so the thought is there..already mentally an affair. due time will prove what will be if not stopped.

Answer 10

I think what he does now is already cheating. Tell him about your insecurities and fears. If he loves you and he cares he'll stop contacting that woman. If not then you better be on your guard. Save more money and start planning the future without him in the picture. Men will stray at any opportunities.