Advice needed: Kicked husband out & banned M-I-L from kids & home for deceitful, drunken behavior...?

Question

Husband used to use drugs & is now clean (I know via drug test). Had kicked him out then until he completed treatmt program. I had banned alcohol entirely from our home due to his overuse & lies about how much he drank. He "convinced me" that since he was "clean" of drugs that alcohol would be no problem, so I allowed alcohol back in our home-moderation 2 drinks max. His mom & he used to drink a12 pack/day @ our house when 1st child was only 2 mos old. Now he & his mom go out at least 1X/wk to a local bar after work & when she comes over here for me to cook dinner 2X/wk, I will have 1 or 2 with them, but I can stop easily, they usually don't. Moderation is no more! I have 2 kids under 2 and a half. Last Thurs, they were supposed to pick up a grocery order 4 me & failed to disclose about going to a bar but I suspected when they were late & both fairly sloshed-husband lied about how much he drank, as did she. I snapped because it has gotten so out of hand & can't or won't take the lies!

It's mainly the lies! Obviously, though both in severe denial they are alcoholics. Not a night goes by anymore they both don't drink. Main priority is my kids & next is my husband. I love him dearly, but am giving very tough love. He hasn't even apologized. After all I have been through with him in the past, when I let him come back last time, I told him never to lie to me again. He did & as hard as it was I knew I had to take action right then & there or he'd just keep doing it. He calls me daily and says, "Can I come home now?" I told him he hasn't even tried to apologize & "NO!" It's scary how much he is like his mom and I can't stand her! I've put up with her just because of the kids. She is 50+ going on 21. I get no help with the kids from either of them. I get no breaks unless I get a babysitter. Now my husband calls me drunk & I told him not to bother. He blames ME! I made reservations for Thanksgiving @ a restaurant for us 4 (me, my husband & 2 kids)-the kids & it is a holiday.

He is mad that his mom isn't invited! She used to call me, worrried about her son's stress level due to non-related work stress - high powered job. She told me I needed to basically get stress off of him at home! I told her I was getting the overflow of his stress already plus the kids & his complaints about what I do all day & why isn't his laundry done! She is worried he will turn to drugs again, but last I checked, alcohol IS a drug!! I am very angry that she is a contributor to his alcoholism (which according to him & her they are certainly not alcoholics because they hold down jobs and function!) Also, she "uses" him almost like a "sugar daddy" always asking for money - she works full-time and expects monthly installments ($100 ea) from all 3 of her kids so she has enough to get her nails done & shop! Now husband is "living" with her for past week, drinking everyday, & has no remorse for situation, just as his mom. Am I doing the right thing? Too harsh considering past issues?

Answer 1

stop being a little control freak telling someone how many drinks to have you are treating him like a child and he is acting like one.

Answer 2

erm.....it's obvious that if he can't sort it out you have to look at divorce as it's not a happy home for the children, and probably not a safe one either.

I must question your actions, however. It sounds like this problem has been going on for several years and it has got this far and you haven't done anything decisive about it - his punishment for going back on the bottle hasn't actually resulted in the end of your relationship, and I also question what is his relationship with his mother, why is she around all the time, and why do you let even a word of what she says "get" to you?

Also, if this has been going on for so long you have to shoulder some of the responsibility for bringing children into the world into an environment that is not healthy for them - and not doing enough to isolate them from this environment. You seem more concerned about being lied to than actually finding a solution -and the solution is this:

1) He must admit he has a problem - this is the only way you can even hope for a solution.
2) He must limit seeing his mother to once a week (is he a child or something?)
3) He MUST must must put his wife and children first. This means that if you say he must not drink anything at all then he must not drink anything at all - regardless of whether if is harmless or not, your feelings about his drinking must come before his wanting a drink.
4) Give him two months - and two months only - to sort this out. This is made up of 1 week for him to come to you with a plan, 3 weeks to implement it, and 4 weeks to prove he can maintain it.
5) Set a better example - don't drink at all yourself (otherwise you are endorsing his behaviour), and focus more on your children than how annoyed you are.

If he will not do any of this then you should file for divorce - the safety of your children must be paramount and it is a truism that alcoholic parents are far more likely to have alcoholic children - kids follow by example.

The situation with his mother is his to resolve - if he won't then divorce is your only option - he's "married" to his mother anyway so it's no good you throwing your toys out of the pram when things don't go right - he has to WANT to make things right for you. Really, you have taken the role of his mother and his mother has taken the role of one of his "crazy friends who are a lot more fun".


Oh, and finally, none of this is his mother's fault. He's a grown man and if he lets her become an excuse for his behaviour then it's his fault, not hers.

Answer 3

Wow...the family that boozes together, loses together? I've never heard of a mom/son combo tag-teaming on a 12-pack of beer before. She sounds like this one mom I knew my freshman year of high school - she'd let her daughter throw parties almost every weekend and supply the booze.

I'm not sure what advice you want here, but I'd take this to court and try to get a restraining order against him. Since you kicked him and maybe you'll decide to stay separated for a while, I surely wouldn't allow the kids to go off with him for visitation since you can't guarantee that he's not going to be drunk behind the wheel. Even if he didn't get into an accident, if he got pulled over with a DUI and had kids in the car, he could be faced with child abuse charges.

Do the right thing!

Update: I read your update. Look - he loves his mother. He prioritizes her over you and your children. You said it yourself, that he is just like her. Do you want a 50 yr old husband someday that is drunk daily? I would hate to think of even kissing my spouse if she reeked of booze all the time. Once in awhile, like if we went to dinner and had a drink, yeah. Otherwise, no.

If he doesn't go to a treatment center, and I'm not just talking about AA here, you need to do what's best for you and your children. How is he going to ever be a good father or husband if he's not sober?

I really do blame his mom though. I know that they say there's a hereditary gene when it comes to alcoholism, but she never tried to fix things for herself either.

I'm not just someone who is sitting on a perch and not knowing what I'm saying here. From personal experience, I know that addiction is a powerful and horrible thing. Even when it's fixed, it's really not. You fight it daily.

Answer 4

I feel so sorry for you, personally I think I would cut my losses your kids come first, what kind of a mother is she my god.... and I thought I had an over bearing M.I.L . They are both definately alcoholics regardlesss whether they both have good jobs or not, it is painfully obvious that he wont change and especially as long as she will be involved which also will never seem to end, he has not realsied that he should ne putting you and your/his kids first!.... You don't need this nor to be treated like this. Move on , it will be hard at first ut in the end you will see you have made the right choice.....maybe he should have married his mother!.

Answer 5

First off I am sorry that you have to go through this. Now as for his behavior it could stem from him not being the providor and protector of the house any more. You are working 2 jobs which is bringing home all the bacon and his need to control it is helping him cope for a short while but in the long run it is showing him that it is not his money he is spending. He is becoming depressed and possibly lonely. His need to fulfill the husband role is consuming him making him angry. He needs outside support without presure. Use church to or friends to help him get a job or use his assistance.

Answer 6

Good for you- BUT I don't think you should even be having one or two with them with kids that age to look after. What sober person was watching them? What if one had an emergency and you had to unsafely drive. You don't have to be "sloshed" to be unsafe to drive or care for young kids.

An addict is ALWAYS an addict- they just switch the drug- alcohol is his current drug. Direct from AA.

Answer 7

baby you just make me proud about girls they are more smart or conchies about thinking yeah just kick hes as out your kids Will turn up like that if you don't Cu's they will think that's normal to be drinking i drink but i stop when i fell I cant control myself just to enjoy the time not to get stupid like some people do but yeah Bab do it for your kids don't waste your time

Answer 8

Tel them that if they want to drink like that, they should live together and just visit the kids when they are sober.

Answer 9

Get rid, for good, pdq - meaning pretty damn quickly! You deserve better, you really do. This particular leopard will never change his spots, not has he any intention of so doing.

Good luck. I wish you well.

Answer 10

hmmm, lets be honest. you really dont know what you doing. you tell us how bad you have it and that there is no drinking in the house then when we read on it. you allow it again. you dont stick to your own rules. you breakem when its convenient for you.

i couldnt stop laughing when you said, "so I allowed alcohol back in our home-moderation 2 drinks max." this was a rule for yourself, not your mother-in-law or husband. so until you stop drinking yourself, then you can preach.

Answer 11

You did the right thing, you dont need to enable his drinking...Hopefully one day he wakes up, but you have kiddos to worry about and your husband is to unhealthy to be around them or you...