I feel so guilty...I'm forcing him into this situation?

Question

I'd been with my bf for 6 months and of that 6 months, 3 were long distance. We had sex, using a condom and somehow the impossible happened.
He wants me to have an abortion and says he can not and will not be a father to the baby, citing the fact that we live so far apart and that we've only known each other a short while. I agree, we haven't known each other for an optimal time, but I honestly feel that I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion. I'd rather go it alone...but he says that even then, he'd know he had a child out there he doesn't know and the thought would kill him. So I'm supposed to choose between my feelings and his, I guess. Is there some middle ground i'm missing?

I'm 35, he's 37. We are both very responsible people. He's a biologist and I'm studying for my geology degree.

Kristy, unfortunately everyone can't be as perfect as you. I'm sure you've never made a mistake or had an accident, no matter how small.

Kristy, unfortunately everyone can't be as perfect as you. I'm sure you've never made a mistake or had an accident, no matter how small.

eugene s, I don't believe anything I've said would give you reason to characterize me as either young or foolish. I have a decision to make. Give me your opinion or don't, but please don't insult me. I happen to think that with all your accolades, you've still probably got some mistakes in your dusty old closet somewhere, so take off the martyr cloak. Sir.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, a baby vs. abortion has no "middle ground." You choose to have it or you don't.

Likewise, there is no "middle ground" when it comes to the hard facts of biology. The role a male and a female play in the birth and rearing of the resulting child is NOT equal. It is the woman who will carry the child and be mainly--if not solely--responsible for raising that baby. Even if abortion is opted for, it is SHE, NOT HE, who will go through the procedure and always feel the decision far more intimately.

Currently the law actually recognizes this VERY real inequity, and the male is "stuck" living with the decision--and repercussions that decision--of the female. Pro-life proponents often say with scorn, "This (pregnancy) is the consequence of _her_ actions; let her live with it." Well, perhaps this ability for her to choose is a way to make HIM have to face "consequences" as well.

It may seem unfair--and perhaps it is in some ways--but it is NO more unfair than it is for a woman who is forced to face an unplanned pregnancy, whether going to term, raising a child alone, and/or the main target of the scorn associated with such a situation, or even having to make the hard choice to end it. Believe me, most men do NOT feel the weight of the decision for abortion the way the woman does. At that point, it is an abstract concept ("What, she's pregnant?") that never comes to fruition; they walk away with barely a thought. (Not because they are evil; just simply, it never is very real to them, not like it is to the woman.) Your guy is no exception, which is why I suspect he can just say, "Abort it," so easily.

It HAS to stay the choice of the woman FIRST; it IS her body, and even more so, her LIFE and her HEART. Everyone has their own opinion, but when that baby is crying, needing, wanting, it will be you and you alone, first and foremost, who will have to be there for him or her. And if you do not go through with the pregnancy, it will be you, and you alone, who will have to be comfortable with that decision, who will live with it every day of her life. NO ONE ELSE will bear that kind of responsibility, and thus, no one else should have such a say.

Do not feel guilty about him, and do not give in to pressure from anyone. He was a consenting partner when you both started being sexually active, and he knew what could happen, as did you. You both will have to take responsibility for your actions--and at this point in time, the ball is in your court as to what that responsibility will be. And make no mistake; abortion or birth, EITHER can be responsible choices.

You HAVE EVERY RIGHT to make the choice that is right for you. Moreover, your life depends on it.

Answer 2

You are not forcing him into anything. He willingly had sex with you. I am sure with him being the age he is, he should know by now the possibilities that arise from sex.

He needs to be a man and realize that you and him now have a child.

I honestly do not think you should get an abortion.
It may seem "inconvinent" to him, or seem wrong seeing that you and him have not known each other long, but it is not the childs fault at all.

He says that the thought of knowing he has a child somewhere that he does not know would kill him? Well, what about the thought that he had created a beautiful baby with you, and because he was not ready he talked you into getting an abortion. The thought he helped to kill a baby?

He really needs to think about what this will do to the baby and you.

Worry about your self and your child now.

Answer 3

It's not about him and his feelings as he has opted out. It is about you and the baby. You have stated that you cannot live with yourself if you have an abortion. Your boyfriend is gone and all you have is the baby and yourself. Just do what is right for the baby and you. Above all, the baby's welfare comes first and that is not selfish of you. If you cannot take care of the baby yourself there is always adoption. It sounds like you want to take care of the baby yourself. Can you do that? Why not research all your resources. Are you through high school yet? Talk to your school counselor. Do you have a job? Do you have family who would help? What about your church?

Your ex boyfriend is probably worried that he will have to support the child and that may happen. That is his responsibility as a father and you don't need to pity him. Somewhere down there it is quite likely that he will be proud and enjoy being a father.

Answer 4

First, did you have sex before putting on the condom.
How old are you?,seem's to be very young and foolish.
Dear bf you are in control of your life not the sperm doner, because thats all he was,and thats what the truth is so accept it and take care of the precious life God has placed in your life, for his reason and not ours to question.
If you feel you can not take care of this child there are lots of childless bps that would love to adopt a beatiful baby,I have a friend that adopted and it was the best thing in the world for a mom that could not have a child.
To destroy a lfe is not your choice, nor the punk thats afraid to take responsibility for 2 seconds of pleasure.
Df don't be afraid to talk to clergy ,it does not have to be someone you know.
And you say who am I, I'm a 52 yr old baby maker that never wanted children but did not encourage abortion and now i have a child in viginia,china,germany,3 boys in florida 2 born in the same month of the same year and numerous grand children and I live them all very much and see them when i can and i also have a understanding with them that i am who i am and thats what life has delt them and we have good to great relationships.
And to top it off now i run a community youth center to keep youth off the streets and away from the drug dealers.
I am also very active in raising my great niece whom mother is in prison for drugs.
Don't forget you have family when things are at it's darkest and no matter what you might think they are there to help.
Hope I have been some help!
God bless.
Gene

Answer 5

Your not forcing him in to anything if you didnt force him to have sex with you!
If you dont want an abortion DONT get one, you will end up living the rest of your life feeling guilty because it's not what you wanted! His feelings are really not that important because he obviously doesnt care about yourse. He expects you to understand his point of view but yet he wont understand yourse! If you go ahead and keep the baby that is his fault he doesnt know his child, he has the choice to be a parent and a loving father but he doesnt want that so why should you have to give this baby up over what HE wants?

If you are really that concerned about his feelings tell him you had an abortion and you want to end the relationship, so that way you can keep the baby, never have to see him again and you save yourself a life time of hurt and guilt think about yourself and the baby. That should be your first priority!!

Answer 6

You know, I hate this but I'd be very concerned that all he is worried about right now is the idea of having to make child support payments for the next 18 years. His reason that 'he had a child out there he doesn't know and the thought would kill him' sounds insincere and fake to me. I really think he just doesn't want to be tied to you and both the financial responsibilities and moral ones. If I were you, start working out your game plan. You'll need to start preparing financially for the baby - where you'll live, how much money you'll need for everything and where that money is going to come from. You might have to take him to court. This will cost you money as well. (that is, if you plan to sue him for child support - I'd highly recommend it though). Also, know that one day you'll have to explain to your child about his/her father's absence from his/her life (if he is, indeed absent). This is a lot to think about but you'll need to do it to give your baby the life s/he deserves. Good luck.

Answer 7

There is no middle ground. You are responsible for the life within you, and how he chooses to react is his own issue. Take the higher road; you will be a better person in the end. Never do something that you know you can't live with and accept later just because somebody else thinks it's best. Things WILL fall into place.

Answer 8

I had a friend who had an abortion because her parents told her to. The pain, guilt and other emotions that went with it were unbearable for her. It has taken over 10 years for her to come to terms with it. (Maybe that's an extreme case I don't know). I only know that you will have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. So make sure it is something you can live with.

Answer 9

In the end, the only opinion that matters here is yours. In your own words, "I honestly feel that I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion." That's your answer right there... If you need help, talk to a Planned Parenthood counselor, but it really sounds like your mind is made up. Don't get me wrong, it's nice that you want to consider his feelings - but in this situation they pretty much don't matter... It's your choice, and your right to your choice.

Answer 10

Well, think about the "Child". Are you going to be able to raise them explaining that you had sex with a guy you only knew for 6 months. And that because of your mistakes that child has to be raised without a father? Look at how well this situation works out for other people. You need to plan it out and do it the right way.