Ashamed of my family situation?

Question

I've been married for three years. My wife and I separated in July and I am trying to get some new ideas for coping with some things that continue to bother me - for example

I discovered after getting married that my wife is used to having her family act as a "safety net" when she gets in financial hot water...so i'd routinely "find" unpaid bills or nsf notices, etc

My 14 year old (from another relationship) moved in with me after I got married... she doesn't care how her actions affect others in the household, UNTIL she's in trouble (like running my cell phone bill up over $500, or getting caught stealing)

My wife has problems setting and maintaining boundaries with her daughter - sometimes toeing the line with neglect.

I've not been able to keep my cool with some of the things they do. Counseling hasn't helped. I'd like for my family to be a source of pride for me, but they alway seem to be wrecking my peace of mind, and I wonder if they give a sh--.

Am I expecting too much?

My wife is trying to make me the bad guy for telling her I've been ashamed of them... and having a filthy house when I was the breadwinner and my wife wasn't working.. or having to call the police on my stepdaughter... or having my daughter get suspended for being an accessory to a theft at school.

I feel like I've been the only one trying to hold this thing together... and it stinks.

As you might guess, I've been pretty angry at how things turned out.

My daughter lived with her mom until she was 12. "Mom" is easy to manipulate (she's still at home with Grandma!)

I am reluctant to divorce - as my wife and I have a two year old son together.

Answer 1

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed right now, and I can understand that. I would seriously consider making some "you" time -- even if it's just going for a walk around the block a couple of times, or better yet -- beating the bag at the gym to work off some stress or going for a brisk walk on your lunch hour. Clear your head.

I understand that teenagers (young people) sometimes make bad decisions -- I know -- because I've made a few myself. Do the best parenting job you can, and then trust that things will work out. If there is a particular influence that is dragging a child down, consider restricting access to that person, which is double-edged, might just turn the child more rebellious. Ultimately, each of us is responsible for our own actions and we bear the consequences as individual.
You're doing your part -- there's no need to feel ashamed about your family.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

Sounds like a rough situation. However, you separating should send a loud message to your wife...you want the BS to come to a screeching halt! If she doesn't get it..there is not much you can do..she has to realize the wrong in her ways and how it is trickling down to the kids. But she obviously is not. Her "safety net" created a monster that thinks she is right and everybody else is wrong.....enabling her. She needs to grow up. In the mean time keep moving on with your life..do the best you can always setting a good example the children will see it. Best of luck, may you find peace and happiness.

Answer 3

1. Your wife uses her family as a safety net, so open your own private checking account and arrange an allowance for her. Keep enough money in the account to pay your bills, buy gas to get you to and from work and keep a small amount in a savings account with only your name on it. Let her fend for herself and if her family wants to dig her out. That totally makes it there problem. She sounds immature
2. Your kids are typical of a blended family. I suggest you and your daughter develop and sign a contract with a kerfew, and expectations and anytime she breaks the contract. Its important that you set up expections. I just finished raising a 19 yr old and she moved out and I could care less what she does now. Life is hard. She said she couldnt wait until she was 18, and I said me neither. She also ran my phone bill up to way over $1800. 00 and I was without phone service for over 6 mo. I shut the phone off and you should too. It wasnt easy because I nurse and am on call a lot.
3. Your wife needs to discipline her own kids and you discipline yours. Never ever try to make rules for her kids. It will make you look like the bad guy.
Good luck. I am praying for you. I single parented 2 kids for 18 yrs and I used to cry over my daughters shinnanigans. She is her own worst enemy now and I cannot help her. She needs to grow up.
I would also suggest maybe not going back with your wife. She needs to learn to live within her means.
As for the dirty house, these kids need chores and they need to be expected to do them with you as a family for 1/2 hr every single day and for 1 hour on the weekends.

Answer 4

The problem isn't unusual. We would like our lives to be neat and tidy......And have a family to be proud of. The truth of the matter is life isn't neat and tidy....people screw up. Everyone is fallible. The trick is to play to peoples strengths. Your wife is a lousy housekeeper.....so make a deal with her that she gets a job and you will BOTH do the work. The teen daughters are fully capable of helping out. Limits set for them and enforced would help them tremendously. As females, they are going to be surly and uncooperative however, taking away their stuff and making them earn their privileges will go a long way.....character building. You could make them volunteer their time one afternoon a week at a nursing home or hospice. There isn't a better way to get them to act "human" than for them to observe others in lousy situations. Make sure that you have the mail delivered to a PO box instead of home, that way you can pick it up and there will be no more late payments. If she won't work, take away the check book and debit card. Give her enough cash every week for expenses and for her self. Always pay the bills yourself. Keep in mind that we all have high expectations of our loved ones, but we have to consider that being human makes them do stupid things now and then. Everyone is entitled to mistakes and to have the opportunity to learn from them. Give them a pat on the back when they do something good....it will temper the negative. Best wishes.

Answer 5

You did not say what you were asking for ,but i know from what you said above that your right about your wife having a safty net and you did the best thing by getting out befor it was to late if you can stay away,cause it seems shes out for her self and thats not good for you or your children and that wouldent be right having your kids go through life missing out because the women has not took care of home and bussiness . And i know it's not easy with divorce i was divorced at 26. It dose get better it just takes time.good luck!It sounds like your a great guy you'll know when the right one comes.

Answer 6

It wasn't too long ago I was the wild teenager, so here it is from my perspective:

I stole, I did (minor) drugs, I quit school, I partied all night at a very young age, hooked up with older guys, slept around a bit (not excessively, but way too much for my age) and even stripped for a year at 17. My parents let me run wild and pretty much do whatever I wanted.

Now, I'm a full time worker/housewife, married with an 11 month old daughter. I don't do any drugs or party any more, except for the occasional glass of wine.. I feel like I got it all out of my system, I suppose you could say I 'grew out of it'.

But I am paying for those days, I was sentenced to three years' probation for possession of marijuana at 18, and now am paying for them--sitting in the probation office with my daughter is so degrading and embarrassing, I always thank God she is not old enough to know or remember. At 21 I feel more like 29.

My advice to you is tighten the damn reins as tight as they will go!! Take her *** TO school, pick her up FROM school, and let her sit at home and do what she needs to be doing, instead of raising hell. If your wife isn't going to step up and you want to save your marriage, you've got to be "The One." She'll hate you, but she'll thank you for it later.
I watched my parents' hair turn gray before 45 because of my actions, and I will be pissed off at myself for it forever.
My only regret is that they didn't kick my *** like I deserved.

Answer 7

Never be ashamed of who you are.. Not all siblings are the same, and I'm speaking from personal experience.. I'm totally different from any of my siblings, and they are far better of financially that me, and I have experienced the same in family gatherings.. I am comfortable with myself, cause that what makes me special.. As long as you're ok with who you are, then nothing they can say or do will hurt you.

Answer 8

the fact that you daughter has behavioral problems and has a record, suggests to me that you might not be successful at holding it together, even though you try. it sounds like you might be oblivious to the fact that your efforts have not produced results and you are reluctant to change. get a grip and get over yourself. stop blaming everybody else for how much your life sucks and do something about it.

Answer 9

She would have had these problems when you meet her, but you married her anyway. If its not working it never will. Like you say counselling hasnt helped, so what is next??

Answer 10

Divorce!Then concentrate on YOUR daughter.She is all the family you need to be proud of.And she will be if you put all your time into her.