Would would you do if your child's biological father wanted to be a part of their life all of a sudden?

Question

I have no idea what my child's biological father has been up to for the last 15 years. He has had nothing to do with our child, has had no contact, has not contributed financially or otherwise to her care in any way. I've heard he's been in and out of trouble with the law, estranged from his own family of origin for many years, until recently.
He had his mother call us to talk to our daughter, and then when they had something planned together he showed up. He won't talk to me or my husband (who has raised my daughter with me) about meeting with her or spending time with her.
Our daughter is obviously curious about her dad, I don't want to cut him out of her life but I don't like the way he is sneaking around us to see her. I'd be fine with him coming to the house to spend time with her, I don't know who he is, what he's been up to, what kind of a person he is, I don't feel comfortable with what is going on.
So now what do I do?

I should clarify that the biological father has zero legal rights to the child. He signed away all rights, and when I married several years ago my husband became her 'legal' father.

Also, he is her biological father, but he is not 'dad' or her 'dad'. He is a complete stranger to my daughter. She has never met him until now, she calls my husband 'dad', he is the only dad she's ever known.

Answer 1

I would both talk to your daughter and your ex. Talk to your daughter and ask what she wants to do - tell her you'll support her in her decision. Tell her that you want him to be a part of her life if she wants him to. Talk to your ex and say, "Before i let you into my house and my life - I want to know a few things." And ask him about where he's been etc. If you feel like he's not telling the whole truth then tell him you have to trust him to let him near your daughter. Your daughter is proabably sneaking round because she likes the secrecey and the attention just on her. Don't blame her or get upset - she's just met her dad after all and wants to get to know him in her own way.

Answer 2

Is this a dad whos is dying? Like a terminal illness? or has had a wake up call due to trying to get better in a rehab center? It's possible there are reasons for his actions. Ask him why the sudden interest, but you know what, it is really very neat that he has finally WOKE UP and realized NOW , instead of when it's too late, that he has a wonderful, well adjusted child. Make sure your communication stays strong and very open with your daughter, just in case you ever suspect abuse or anything out of the ordinary. I do think he owes you a lot of THANK YOUs for raising her without him and doing such a wonderful job at it. I am sure there were circumstances that he wasn't able be included in raising her the way she needed to be raised, but for whatever reason, he is giving an honest effort and for that, what can you say but Thank You for finally coming to her. I am sure it means the world to your daughter, how could it not.

You need to let the dad know that if he wants to continue to have this bond he needs to make arrangements with you and your husband. He also needs to be open with you both and communicate with you all. I can definately understand your worry, as I would be too. Let him know unless he wants this dealt with legally, that he needs to work with you and your families schedules.

I don't think he would be granted too much in a court, seeming how he distanced himself from you without help, but he is the dad so he would have rights. Try to keep things calm and civil for the daughters sake. I sure wish you luck.

Answer 3

Yes you should tell him. your boyfriend shouldnt be upset, its wonderful that he has raised your son as his own. Your son must love him very much, if anything, later in life he will appreciate him more. That is the only dad he has ever known and his love will shouldnt change. Your son has the right to konw, its nice his biological father is finally coming around. Better late than never. Give this man the chance to know his son, he obviously wants to. Many kids real parents never come looking for them, your son is lucky. He should feel special to have 2 dads that love him. Lots of kids dont even have one. What if your son found out when he was older that his bioligical father is out there and wanted to be a part of his life and you didnt allow it. He would resent you. Anyway good luck. This is a big decision, so give it a lot of thought

Answer 4

I would insist that any visitation he has with your daughter be monitored or supervised. I would even go as far as getting a court order to insist on this. I would seriously question his motivations - why does he want to be part of her life now after 15 years. It could be that he's found God or something and wants to turn his life around but he needs to at least sit down with you and do some explaining so you know what's going on. He owes you that plus 15 years of back child support.

Answer 5

I would want to personally speak with her "father". Ofcorse you wouldn't want to keep her from her father... which you haven't done all these years BUT you do have a absolute right to know what is going on with your daughter. Like you said, he has not had any contact with your daughter for 15 years, you have no clue what he has been up to or what kind of man he is now. I would call him and have a little chat... you can then take it from there.

Answer 6

I wouldnt allow it...if he just now starts taking interest..there is probably a reason...most likely a bad one. But, I could be wrong. But, still... if he had no interest before, I highly doubt he just woke up one morning and was like "Hey! I wanna hangout with my daughter who ive never cared about before!"
you also dont want yourdaughter getting hurt.

if you suspect he might be ok, then, maybe a few vistis a month, like once every week or other week. But I would keep it monitered. And if things continuously go well, and you and your daughter feel comfortable, then you can gradually increase the amount of visitation.

Answer 7

I would wonder what his real intentions are. I mean if he really cared about her and wanted to get to know her, wouldn't he come to you? I'd keep him away from her and if he really wants a part in her life, he can file for visitation rights. Your daughter really doesn't even know this man. Even though it is her father, he's pretty much a stranger.

Answer 8

With what you heard about the law I advise you to look him up. You should find a prison record and see what he has been in and out of jail with. It sounds a little bit like hes a child molester. Cause you have no idea when your daughter hooks up with him.

Answer 9

Since she is a minor you call the shots. He can't just take her without your permission. Take him to court and make him start paying child support and back support if he wants to have contact with her. I would only allow supervised visits, especially since he has a criminal record.

Answer 10

I would have nothing to do with him. He has already shown that he has not changed his colours by being underhand about the way he ses your daughter...this sets alarm bells ringing.

There are two things you could do...explain to your daughter that he is not a good person and cut off contact...which may make her want to see him even more....or explain to him that he may come over for a coffee whilst your daughter is with you....and see what your gut tells you.