critique ze poem please!?

Question

please tell me what ya think? whether or not it makes any sense to you... whether u can relate to it?

to me its about that hidden burden all of us bears behind our facade, and almost like a walk down memory lane

Abyss

The blistering sun shines endlessly on
Stretched out as far as my tired eyes can see
The wind blows swift, the willows yawn
As silence echoes through the chasm deep

I see reality through a haze
My thoughts are painted black
The carefree world outside’s at peace
I can’t go forward, nor turn back***

Opaque and battered the walls enclose
The familiarity intact
Sealing off Life’s precious offerings
Yet Hope seeps through the cracks

Whispers and voices resonate through my prison
Pierce through with searing pain
Showers of blessing turned dust, blur my vision
The cold truth falling on me like rain

“We’re more than friends… we’re brothers”
he said And held me in a cold embrace
A sacrificial lamb for another
Blinded by its fall from grace

That elusive light at the end of the tunnel
So close, yet so far away
Instead of her soft touch all I feel is gravel
The inkling of hope leading me astray

The jeering laughs and fingers point
With strong accusing glares
The silhouette of the silver lining
Turns grey, the colour of despair

The endless abyss we travel through
Life’s uncongenial ways
Scream lashing out towards our walls
Until the break of a new day

i knw.. but then again.. it isnt really a sonnet.. so i figured.. screw the pentameter!

Answer 1

Wow, it was totally inspirational! I loved it! It is a beatiful poem and the words sing to readers- you should definetly pursue a carrier in song writing or a poet. What else do you want yo hear? you stinking rock out loud and you can do amazing things with this gift!
Keep on writing!
:)

Answer 2

First, and optimistically this does not come as a surprise, but when a poem is certainly first rate, then you would not have to provide an explanation for what the rationale is: it's intended to inform the story of some thing, provide an explanation for some thing and you should not have to write a paragraph on what you established it round. Actually, I have to admit that I've needed to do it as soon as. I furnished a quote from a popular thinker - now I put out of your mind whom - however it used to be simply to give an explanation for in which I received the idea from. The foremost motive that I incorporated it used to be seeing that I concept my instructor used to be as thick as 2 quick planks, however neither did I recognise that he used to be a released creator (of direction, best domestically - now not completely popular) and had a few abilities of the literate global. Okay, that is beside the factor. He used to be the one who taught me to not incorporate an evidence - it must come evidently. I'm now not going to remark at the poem itself, even though it's affected by vicious - within the variety of greatness; within the depths of vocabulary - phrases. I browse via the poem, and consider that you have performed good, however I am in no temper for critiquing. Good success to you, my buddy.

Answer 3

That is the most amazing and deep poem I've ever heard. But don't go off of what I myself or anybody else says about it. If you like it, that is really all that matters.

Answer 4

Your iambic pentameter is way off.

Too wordy and breathy. Are you trying to get a message across or look intelligent?

(P.S. - If you want to look intelligent, drop terms like iambic pentameter in to the mix)

PPS - Just read the review above me and nearly died choking on my own vomit. Ugh. Are you this lady's boss or what? Does she get the raise?

Answer 5

Expressive, impressive.

Answer 6

It is quite metaphysical and the imagery in the second half of it is vivid. You done good.