prime evil
A black marble altar, in the middle it stands,
One thousand candles light at her command.
A torrent of evil, wind cold like a ghost,
My life no longer my own, It belongs to the host.
Prime evil is what she has just for me.
Prime evil I'm lost in her eyes can't you see?
Complete control, I'm her sacrificial goat,
I am all hers, she dressed in black, a hooded wool cloak.
The air in here smells of a million years or more,
Nude, tied to the altar, what does she have in store?
I feel what I'm tied to is, is red and sticky, what's that smell,
She laughed and she chanted about my life in hell.
Where have I been to, what can I be shown,
I have never in my lifetime, felt so all alone.
Even though the sounds of cloven hooves ,
It's her and I together, no one else around.
A pearl handled dagger, just adds to my despair,
Where is my love, who said, "dont have a care"
The dagger it pierces above my beating heart,
As it's pushed in, she said, we now start.
2007-11-20 08:06:07 · 15 answers · asked by The Dark Prince 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
This poem is superb. There's something mysterious about it, also I somehow get the impression that at least one of the lovers is immortal, the lady, and the man may have been immortal in the figurative sense, i.e. just now truly knowing love, someone melting his heart but in a very violent way, full of passion...
'One thousand candles light at her command' - the lady seems to have powers out of this world...
2007-11-20 20:24:56 · answer #1 · answered by Analyst 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hi DP,
It is nice to see you writing and posting again.
You know me, so what I am going to say about your use of conjuction words will not be a surprise. For me they are weak. I find that when you use words in the fullness, makes the piece strong.
2SL2- "Prime evil I'm lost in her eyes can't you see?"
Prime evil I am lost in her eyes, can you not see?
2SL3-"Complete control, I'm her sacrificial goat,"
Complete control, I am her sacrificial goat,
2SL4- to wordy: I am all hers as she is dressed in a black woolen hooded cloak (Suggestion)
S3L1: Suggestion: and more
S3L3: It really does not come together for me.
S4L4: "It's her and I together, no one else around."
She and I are together, for there is no one else around.
S5L1: "A pearl handled dagger, just adds to my despair,"
Might I suggest "The" instead of "A".
S5L3: I would loose the "it".
S5L4: As it pushes in, she says, "Now we start."
As a first draft this is a very wonderful start. I hear and feel that which it is that you are saying.
Peace & Love to you my friend,
Sam
2007-11-20 10:37:46 · answer #2 · answered by Sam 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From what i've got study, that's surely fairly sturdy :] i choose to advise placing apart your strains and stanzas greater efficient. There erre additionally fairly some grammatical and spelling blunders that I observed, and a few places the place it appeared like words have been lacking. positioned slightly greater coronary heart and a miles less repetition. It makes it no longer simple to study. different than that, that's an exceedingly, very super write :D
2016-09-29 21:47:14 · answer #3 · answered by wrights 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh Steve i loved all the word's to this great one of a kind poems I love how he is all layed out on the alter and the words he and she will be together soon; in their own dark world.; and where it says A pearl handed dagger it pierces above my beating heart ' as it;s pushed in ; she said now we will Start,,,So mysterious and i love it. peachie 1
2007-11-20 14:07:12 · answer #4 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
very good
prime evil sounds like primeval - that could add an extra layer for me...an earlier poster said the lady seems immortal, and primeval means 'the earliest times of the world'. just a thought. probably completely out. =P
some changes i would make, just suggestions...
first line 2nd stanza move just to before what, unless that changes the sense of it...last line a bit wordy.
not keen on 3rd line 3rd stanza, but i have no suggestions so i'd have to think harder on that one (love the last line of that stanza though)
slightly confused by the change of tense in the last line, but hey....think it could use some speech marks around what she said there.
it's a good poem, and i like it, but it's got a bit of an uneven rhythm, i think...in my opinion the flow isn't as good as it could be.
thanks for sharing =]
2007-11-21 03:32:58 · answer #5 · answered by kleptomanic sheep 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nice... I like the part about the cloven hooves, but I'm not crazy about the lovey-dovey stuff.
2007-11-20 08:14:33 · answer #6 · answered by tuberk768 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Thats great. The only thing I would change is what's that smell. ( in my ear she whispered a silent yell )
2007-11-20 08:19:40 · answer #7 · answered by Homer 133 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
guest-host relationship, hmmm... lol. Its a good poem, nicely done in a seductive fashion that i like. If only all poets were as good as you!!
2007-11-20 08:42:01 · answer #8 · answered by dragonflyy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
So cool!!
And because you wrote it on a bus makes it ten times cooler. I say buy your ticket to Hollywood now! :)
2007-11-20 10:13:16 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow!!! Bravo!!! Are you interested in becoming a poet???
-_- I like how you tell that she kills him and they could now be together!!!!
2007-11-20 10:30:23 · answer #10 · answered by Bloom 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋