Once I tell him to leave, how will I make it on my own?

Question

I've been married for 8 1/2 years. We have 2 children, the older child is his son from a previous relationship, whom I've legally adopted and raised for the past 8 years. Every time I leave him, he proceeds to make my life a living nightmare. He calls me at work, constantly, which I'm more than sure has cost me more than 1 job, he makes DYFS (child services) complaints against me, which are never substantiated, however, just having those people in my house is irritating enough. I've even had restraining orders on him, which do absolutely nothing, since when I call the police, they take over an hour to come to my aid. At this point, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to leave him. He's just completely nasty to me and the kids and we just want him to leave. Problem is, I can't afford to live on my own. Is there some sort of program that can help me get on my feet? My kids have been through enough, I don't want to have to move them to a new place and a new school.

Not once have I ever spoken poorly of my husband to my children. They form their own opinions. For 8 1/2 years he has been running around on me, speaking to me as though I'm an idiot, ridiculing me, etc. I didn't really want to get into the nasty details but there goes. I adopted my son because MY SON asked me to, not because I wanted to brainwash him. I love him as my own and would never hurt him. I want to leave my husband to protect them from him, so they can no longer be told how stupid and useless they are!

We live in NJ. Yes, there have been 2 complaints against him for DV, once for punching me in the face and another for pushing me down the stairs, which is when my children started to form their own opinions.

I never realized how cruel people can be. There are a lot of girls who get pregnant young and do awful things, but now, I stuck it out and tried the best I could to do the right thing. My children and I go to church every sunday, and I'm genuinely a good mother, I didn't ask for him to treat me the way he does. All I want to know is how to get on my feet so that I can protect and provide for my children, I don't want him to hand me a check every week, I WANT him to be a father and a husband, but he's incapable. Before you judge, you should put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Thank you all for your answers. I am working right now, but the pay isn't great, and I'm in the process of trying to find something better. I'm just not sure how many more times I can hear him talk down to my boys. I've become accustomed to him talking down to me and am able to block it out, but when he does it to the kids, my heart sinks. I know what I have to do, its just really scary. I appreciate your help and resources, and have begun looking further into the programs offered here.

Answer 1

I am glad that you are willing to share your information so you can get ideas and find strength to do what you have to do. (and only pay attention to the positive responses. Some people don't take this seriously cause they haven't been there)

It is very serious what you are living. I have been through it my self as a child. Believe me, it is worth the changes you have to go through to be away from the negative influence of your husband. Psychologists will say that it will affect your children for the rest of their lives. Getting them away from him is THE MOST IMPORTANT goal to work for right now. Not the money, or how hard changes will be. The worst thing would be to stay, bottom line. So I hope you can call your county mental health agency to get their ideas on programs, safe houses, etc... In my city the suicide hotline is also an information line that can get you started.

Take the steps and keep taking them. Take them fast to get away from your husband. Sorry it had to be that way. Thank god you don't think it is right for you to stay. Even if it was your husband being demeaning to you alone you would still have to leave. BE STRONG! It will be worth it in the end. Surround yourself with positive people who will help you accomplish what looks impossible right now. Good luck.

Answer 2

My advice is to get a lawyer, and all contact you have with each other can be done through lawyers, and have it set up where if either of you calls the other, arrest is imminent. Since you can work, you can live on your own, with maybe just a little help from the welfare office, which will probably be temporary, since I'm sure you don't want to depend on them forever. See about buying a mobile home from someone selling one. They can run as cheap as a couple thousand dollars, on up to however much a person wants to pay for one. I'm wondering why you went back to him if he's so terrible? Now as far as the constant allegations, I once saw a court show where one lady sued the other for constant harassment. She won.

Whatever you do, don't get others involved in this mess. Don't do the roommate thing. They don't work.

Answer 3

I cant believe what the previous poster said about going to hell. Anyway if this is a domestic violence problem, there are local facilities that you can look up on the Internet to get help. They also have HUD housing that the govt will put you in based on you income. Most people don't want to do this but there is also public assistance available. Do you have any skills or education that will help you get a good job to help support the children. Ive seem mothers do this thousands of times, you can do it. You just have to be proactive in your looking for info and the Internet is a great tool.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to hear this :-(

First off, head to or call a women's shelter. If you do not know where to find one, you can call the operator and ask for a local domestic violence services office. They are there to help women in bad situations. Talk to them. Not only will it make you feel better to get it off your chest to someone who is removed from your situation, it'll give you renewed confidence that you can make it without him.

To the people who faulted you, boo on them. They've obviously had bad experiences and that's unfortunate. But what you're going through is also a bad situation. How many times have you left him?

One poster didn't believe that his child would rather live with you than his father. I believe you. If I had a step-mom and no mom, I'd have gladly lived with her over my own dad when I was younger. Sure, he has his blood, but kids are smart enough to take into consideration how parents treat them, blood or not.

I also hate that they accused you of wanting to leave him but take his money. You never stated that! Grr!

So yes, there are programs, and many of them, to help you get on your feet. Youd be surprised how many things are ni place to aide women and their children (or men, on rare occasion) leave an abusive relationship. And keep in mind, abuse isn't just hitting. :-(

You could call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) which is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, and they'll surely have resources to offer you.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but as a person who grew up in a household full of domestic violence, I wholehearedly appluad you for taking steps to get out of it and start anew. You're doing what is best for you and your children, including your step-son. You're in my prayers.

Answer 5

its sad when stuff like this happen in a marriage. sorry to hear that, there are fews people have already suggest that you go to your local dept of Social Services in NJ and look into shelter for batter woman. The best way to do that you have to do it without telling him or given any clue that you're leaving him. You have to change the school where the kids go so he won't try to go there to pick them up. Also, maybe you try to find a better job that pay you little more to help you. When you have everything in place then you pick your day to leave him.

Answer 6

Save your money for a few months and just go ahead and file the divorce papers. They will serve him with them and hopefully you can get things taken care of. I would see if maybe you and the kids could stay with a family member or a friend until you have saved enough money to get a place of your own. When the divorce goes through, he will have to pay child support, so that should help you. I don't know where you live, but we have shelters here for women in abusive or stalking type relationships and their children. See if you have one near you, because if nothing else, they can help you decide who to call and what you can do. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I don't know why you are surprised that people on Yahoo answers are horrible, alot of them hide behind the computer screen and say things they would never say to someones face.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but you are the only one who can get out. You seem to think that its everyone else's responsibility, and if you are going to get out of this, then you have to stop playing the victim. He's not going away without alot of effort. Get a better job or go back to school to learn a skill that allows you a better job. Get a good lawyer. Document his behavior. Get in touch with a shelter and if you feel you are in danger, then get out of the home and protect yourself and your children. Talk to your employer and explain the problem, but don't fault them for being afraid of being caught in the crosshairs of a domestic problem, same for the police. "Every time I leave him" says it all. He knows how to play you, and you let him.

There are lots of programs to help those truly in needs, including the church you attend every week. Which, btw, doesn't mean anything in the scope of human behavior. But if you really want to test their submission to God, ask them for help, and something other than prayer.

Bottom line hon, you chose this man to live with and have children with. You keep going back to him. You want to protect your kids but you don't want to have to do anything uncomfortable like move, or do without to accomplish that. No one is going to take you seriously until you take yourself seriously.

Answer 8

I think you should ask for help and see what options you have before you leave him. Involve your family and see if they can help you out. Also, seek legal advice and try to go to therapy.

Nobody should be in a sad or unhealthy marriage; it's the kids who usually absorb the bad feelings the adults have and they are all affected by it.

Sorry to hear about this situation.
Hopefully,you will act carefully and after having weighed all the possible outcomes. Don't do anything rash or things you might regret, either.....Good luck.

Answer 9

I think it is time for you to leave look up shealter in you area go to the health and social services department where you klive and the will be able to help you with rent food clothing everything I think you kids do not need to be with this man anymore work for a couple of week and you need to tell your kids that you need to move somewhere else or this man is always going to hurt them that you understand that you need to leave miove out of state I live in california and there are alot of programs her for battered a abused women and they will help find a home to live get you good protection and there are good schools here for your kids and if not find places where you can go but leave that is what you need to do you need to let your boys understand that you can not take this anymore and that you need to leave.

Answer 10

Well your are in luck. If your husband won't leave you should just tell him" hey I've had enough of you I am a grown women and I deserve to be treated like one and I just won't you to know it's will probably be over if you do not stop" and your problem is solved now if your husband is tall and strong you should say this" hey honey I've been meaning to talk to you about our relationship you are absolutely nasty to me and the kids. If I have to I might have to find a place to stay because me and these kids can't be put through any more than what we have." And I am also praying for you and your children. I hope god blesses you and your children.