Where mom should be for burial ?

Question

Our mom spent 42 years married to our dad and had four children together. Now our dad passed away in 2003 and mom is dating a new man she plans on getting married to. We have no problem with that. All her grown children are all happy for her and happy she is moving on. However, she had planned to be cremated and put in the double urn with our dad and now she says she just wants to dump our dads ashes. We feel this is unfair to a man she spent her life with. Our dad was a wonderful man and loved her to the end of the earth. She is also refusing to keep anything even pictures of our dad. How could she be so heartless to a man she loved for 42 years and who is our father. All four of her children feel very hurt by how she is just gonna abandon the memory of our father. Any opinions.

The comment from Colleen O. Says my father is dead my mother is not. My father deserves more respect then that sorry. Would you go tromp threw a grave yard like that to. The dead deserve our respect. And they are my father's ashes and his remains deserve my respect.

Comments like that are disrespectful I was taught better.

Answer 1

Perhaps its not entirely your mom's doing that she's cutting ties so completely...maybe the new guy is putting pressure on her to do away with "the other man" ... which is both unfortunate and possibly a sign of a controlling and manipulative abuser (which I hope is NOT the case).

If your mom still has the photos and other mementos, I URGE you to get together with your siblings and ask for these items so that you may divide them among yourselves; do the same with Dad's ashes ... buy small urns for each of you and divide the ashes equally.

Answer 2

I can understand why you would be hurt, but I would try to see this from her point of view. She is starting a marriage with another man and she needs to have closure when it comes to your dad. She doesn't need pictures or reminders, I am sure that 42 years of memories are what she has and what she will always have. Just remember that the ashes are just that- ashes. You could always offer to keep them at your house or at a siblings home or something. Or you could spread them in a place that means a lot to him. I would talk to your siblings about what you all want to suggest to your mom- just be careful not to say anything hurtful to her, you may not really know what she is going through. Good luck and I wish you and your family peace.

Answer 3

What she is doing is trying to start over. With photos of him around, it's a constant reminder of what she lost which is a big distraction from the life she's trying to rebuild now. It's how she's healing; it's not deliberate disrespect to your father's memory.

Just imagine how difficult it would be to lose your best friend and lover of 42 years, and then give her a little bit more of a license to heal in any way she needs to.

Now that she's moving on, perhaps his memories (photos, possessions) could be divided between you kids for safe keeping. I'm not certain I would want to be buried/ashes put with my first husband if I had moved on after he had passed, either, so if you all can come to an agreement with where your father may have wanted to be scattered, a place that would mean something to him, that would be best for all.

Answer 4

She probably isn't being heartless. The memories may be painful to her, and moving on and putting them out of sight is the only way she can deal with them, especially in light of this new relationship. You can probably understand that it is awkward to have things of your dad on display with this new man around.
You need to take comfort that she has found someone to share the rest of her life with and that can care for her in her later years. However, watch for any signs that he is using her or mistreating her and be ready to protect her if needed.
Don't dump the ashes. Decide between the 4 children who should take possession of them and store/display them as all the children agree. Also take the personal belongings and distribute them among the 4 children as you can agree and see fit. Your mom shouldn't have a problem if you are handling this without asking for her involvement--she probably just can't deal with it right now. She may feel differently in time, and you will have the items safe and sound just in case, and either way they will stay in the family.
Should she pass away and still wish to be buried or cremated separately, respect her wishes as best you can.

Depending on your faith, the memories you have of them together as your parents and hope of the afterlife should help you to be able to heal and forgive in this situation.

My mom & her siblings faced a similar situation when my grandmother died. She was hardly cold in the grave before he had remarried a women we found cold and insensitive. Next thing we knew he was selling the old homeplace and packing up all sorts of belongings; we barely got a few little mementos of Nanna. It was very hard for my mom, aunt and uncle to forgive him for this. A few years down the road, his health deteriorated, and his new wife had to take care of him for years before he passed away--as it turned out, it was a blessing that he found her so that this task didn't fall to the children to care for him.
I'm just telling you that so that maybe you can see the big picture and find a way to be happy for your mom and preserve your dad's memory at the same time.

Good luck & God bless!

Answer 5

I'm sorry to be blunt, but get over it. Your mothers relationship with her husband is a total separate issue than the children's relationship with him as a father. She is within her rights to want to move on, and if she chooses not to keep his pictures up that is her prerogative. I think 42 years of marriage is enough proof of dedication and that your mother loved your father. Now it is time to put your personal feelings aside and let your mom live her life and have her death the way she chooses. Try to be a little more open minded about the situation, and not take it as a disrespect toward your father's memory. In all honesty, I think your Dad would have wanted her to be happy.

If you disagree with the disposal of your dad's cremains, ask Mom if she will allow you and your siblings to take custody of them.

Answer 6

This does sound odd. At any rate, I would ask if I could have my dad's ashes or maybe there is somewhere that was special to your dad and the family could scatter his ashes there in a little ceremony. I would also ask for his pictures. I have the feeling that your mom may end of regretting her decision and would like those photos later on.

Answer 7

I think that she might be feeling a lot of pressure from her fiance or boyfriend.

Have you talked to her about it? It may seem difficult but this is the best way.

but if she wants you to dump your father's ashes you should spread them in a favorite place of his or maybe a place he always wanted to go.

For example: my mother wants to be cremated also and she has always wanted to go to the Carribean. So when she dies i plan to spread her ashes there.

Do you have a cottage that your father used to love to go to or anything like that?

Answer 8

Your father is not the urn of ashes. The urn of ashes is just that, it might not even be the body parts of your father. Your father is dead, your mother is not.

Answer 9

if she doesn't want any of these things around then tell her that you will take them. it might not be that she is being heartless about it, but she might just feel guilty about trying to move on. maybe having those things around causes her great pain.

Answer 10

wow, this is a tough one !

split up everything that she doesn't want between all of the children......and thats all i'm going to say about this.

but, i will pray for you and your family. GOD BLESS !