My marriage seems completely crazy anymore. Everyone in my family (especially my mom who lived w/ us for 3 mths. & witnessed my marriage 1sthand) says I need to LEAVE. Meanwhile, all my husband's friends & family think that I don't contribute at all to the marriage. I guess that's b/c for the past mth., I've refused to pay household bills (leaving them for him to handle) & opted to pay off some of our debts instead so we can move forward one day (ie - buying a house, having a family, etc.) and I guess he's told them I'm leaving it all to him to handle. Furthermore, this guy isn't even allowed a DL until after he has a hearing - which they won't give him until the year 2010 b/c he has 14 "failure to appears" and 5 "driving while license revoked" in 3 different counties. Stuck as a taxi, I'm ready to call it quits (especially since all it seems he does n-e more is belittle me). But his family says this is the time I really need to step up to the plate. I'm just at a loss of what to do.
2007-11-20 01:50:08 · 21 answers · asked by fragglerockqueen 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
And I'm not saying I'm perfect - I know there are 2 sides to every story & I have my own faults, but after taking GAL classes (I do volunteer work w/foster kids), I really think I'm in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship here. And everytime I try to talk to him about it, his response is "please stop talking - you really are just giving me a headache." Or... "I have more rational thoughts & feel people think I contribute more" when I ask him his view on our marriage & what we need to work on.
2007-11-20 01:54:19 · update #1
Somehow someone got the idea that my husband drinks & is the "breadwinner." I work full-time for an attorney & have a higher salary while my husband works on & off for himself. He doesn't drink, either. He mostly watches TV and plays computer games.
2007-11-20 02:03:52 · update #2
You should be ashamed..... You see this everyday and you have to ask? I didn't think anyone volunteered anymore. I can see you a real hell cat. Come on, his family knows who will be saddled with this poor excuse for breathing bag of air, if you leave, they will. That's why their putting a guilt trip on you.
I don't have all the facts, and it is only one side, see what the wives of friends say, if they will be honest with you. To have that many failure to appears and revocations means he's immature, and probably a host of other things.
You know what you need to do, so do it. BUT just like at work get your ducks in a row before you do anything.
Hope this helps, email me if you need
2007-11-20 02:19:29 · answer #1 · answered by walker9842 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You two need to start working together.
I'm not saying that this guy may not have some issues. If he's belittling you, thats not right. However, if he feels like he's being forced to support you and your mother financially with no help he's got a right to be a little pissed off about it. Personally, I think he must be a decent guy for even considering an arrangement where his mother-in-law lives in the same house. But I digress.
If you are working to pay off past debts, thats a great. However, you two need to communicate and agree on a joint budget. You're team now. Thats what marriage is. Being a team. Right now you two are not working together. Just simply refusing to pay bills so you can horde (no matter the reason) your money is not an agreement. It seems he feels that he's shouldering a great deal of the financial burdon. Guarenteed that he's keeping a mental tab of every luxery you allow yourself. From the occasional afternoon lunch out with friends, to that movie you rented last month. The lack of financial transparency is clearly building resentment between the two of you.
Pool your cash. Figure out bills. Set a goal for a monthly amount that is set aside to pay off debt. Set aside at least 10% for a joint saving (retirement) fund. And split anything thats left over for incidentals and luxery. If you've both got $50.00 of mad cash every month, and its understood that is the amount you both have, then a few lunches or a CD won't be such a big deal.
If you really start acting like a team, you might try spending your little extra money on each other. Maybe he'll buy you some flowers. Maybe you can buy him a romantic dinner evening out.
Again, the key here is to work together. Assume that you both want what is best for your family. And, come up with a budget you can both agree on.
2007-11-20 02:14:03 · answer #2 · answered by light_strikes_a_deal 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The only place you need to step up to...is the steps to the lawyers office....Everyone in your husband's family is enabling his behavior...that includes you as well if you stay with him....He has no reason to change or step up to the plate...everyone is making excuses for him and want you to take care of him when he alone is responsible for the trouble he is in...He can't receive a DL for at least another 2 years?? Now that is a man to be very proud of......Have some self respect for yourself....divorce him and move on with your life...
I believe that everyone should work out their problems in a marriage and not be so quick to divorce...but your husband is showing no interest in improving your marriage....There becomes a time when enough is enough....
2007-11-20 01:57:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he doesn't want to put forth the effort to try to make it work them f&ck 'em girl. Leave that man alone. Sounds like you don't have any kids, you should leave now while there's nothing complicating your relationship. You can't do all the work to keep the marriage together by yourself. You're worth so much more than that, there's someone in the world who will treat you how you deserve to be treated and not belittle you all the time.
2007-11-20 01:59:53 · answer #4 · answered by I've Got My Answer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is always hard when you let families get involved. His family would not be a good one if they did not support him and the same would go for yours. It is expected that families support each other. That said it means the family is never unbiased. Often the families of abusers are not even able to see the faults of their family member. It is best that you speak with and outsider on this and get their opinion. It does sound as if this is potentially an abusive relationship. It is good that you already are aware that abusive does not have to mean beating you senseless but, it can eventually turn to that. Studies show that all physically abusive relationships start out as verbally abusive. You really need to speak with a counselor immediately and it would not hurt to try a separation for safety sake. Please always remember his behavior is his choice and no matter what anyone says it is not your fault he behaves the way he does. Take care and feel free to e-mail me if you I can help in any way.
2007-11-20 02:11:30 · answer #5 · answered by eaglelover_1967 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Doormat. Plus he does have a element - he's not your bf so why does he might desire to respond interior of 5 seconds? To be honest i could go away him as an ex and pass on and locate somebody new.
2016-11-12 04:38:48 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As long as his family and your family are sticking their noses in your married life you are not going to get anywhere. It is always best policy to keep your family business to yourself and only discuss your problems with your spouse. If you need guidance then you should seek help from your priest or a marriage counselor. Involving the entire family and or friends only complicates things and causes people to choose sides.
2007-11-20 07:07:20 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to do what is best for you. His family as well as your family need to leave you to make your own decision and respect your decision. If he is unwilling to work on the issues within the marriage, I would personally find no reason to hang around. Life is far too short, and no one is guaranteed another day.. I would not waste one minute... If he is unwilling and unable to work on his 1/2 of the issues... Do what is going to be best for you! God bless****
2007-11-20 01:57:56 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sucks to be you!!!
I think that while he is using you, your allowing him to degrade you. yeah, I would suggest giving each other a break, I mean the marriage is between 2 people, and whatever money he brings home is both you's, not just his.
Its time for a break let him, get himself a taxi, and you go live with your mom for a lil while, let him see that this isint going to work with out each others help.
2007-11-20 02:01:59 · answer #9 · answered by ♥Sonadora♥ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stupid reason to consider leaving. But you can't just not pay the bills without sitting down and talking to him about it first, even if it is to pay off debts. And yea, he sounds immature but don't talk crap about your husband to us. I'm sure he's got some redeeming qualities and I know you're not perfect.
Work out a reasonable plan to pay off your debts. I don't think slacking on the bills that keep your household in tact is a good idea.
2007-11-20 01:55:22 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋