What is the best way to deal with a rude, disrespectful, grown stepdaughter?

Question

My husband has a 36 year old stepdaughter from a previous marriage. She comes by our house on the weekends. When he's there, she looks and talks directly to him treating me as if I'm invisible. When I'm there alone, she walks in, goes through our cabinets helping herself to snacks without asking. She drops her children over for me to babysit without asking. The last time she did this, her son stole 5 of my son's video games. I sent her an email asking her to check with her son to see if he knew anything about the missing games. He admitted to taking one. When I told my husband I wanted his grandson banded from the house until he return the others games, my husband had a fit! We got into a hugh argument which he carried to his stepdaughter over the phone. She then wrote me an email cursing me out. I showed him the email and asked what he plans to do about the way she speaks to me, he said, "She's a grown woman, she can say whatever she wants."

Answer 1

Unfortunately, this problem's solution would involve more than just you taking action, but it could start with you. First of all kill your stepdaughter with kindness. Take her to dinner. Get to the route of the problem. She probably feels some sort of resentment b/c you "stole" her dad. Talk things out, be syrupy sweet and understanding. Next, talk to your husband. Let him know that his daughter is your daughter. That you're not asking anything of her that you wouldn't your own children. Let him know you need his support. Hopefully, when he notices how nice you are being to her, he'll be more apt to agree with you. Just remember it's human nature for a parent to take their child's side - even if they're wrong. You have to show him that you're all on the same team. Hope this helps!

Answer 2

When the step daughter speaks rudely to you and as your husband pointed out she is a grown woman give the crap right back be just as rude to her! If your husband says anything give him back his words" your a grown woman you can say anything you want" and remind him he said it first. As for the babysitting when the child is dropped off without anyone asking (never say yes if you are asked) drop him off at a nursery school that takes drop ins or hire a babysitter that you can drop him off at and when the S. daughter arrives to pick up the child tell her where to pick him up at. When your husband says something next time drop him off at his job or where ever he is and tell him you will not do this as long as you are being disrespected in your home. Don't back down and don't take the crap! And put locks on the cabinets and your sons door and when the S. daughter drops in to snack she will be disappointed and she will have to cry to daddy and you can smile sweetly and say all she had to do was ask. And say that about the babysitting when she complains that you took her child to a babysitter.

For everything, games or anything else that the grandson steals go nd buy it again and put it on your husbands credit card! and when he says anything tell him it was for the grandson. Because it was because of the grandson!

This is not even his real birth daughter? this is his stepdaughter from his previous marriage? Someones else's grown child? Is there someting that your husband needs to tell you. You need to ask him. What is the deal between you two? That he would allow her such liberties, such bad behavior.

Answer 3

It sounds like this girl is a mojar daddy's girl. If your husband is trusting her and sharing her more than he shares his private stuff with you maybe you and him need to talk about this situation. Is your husband telling the daughter the whole side of the story or just the part "The GRandson is banned from the house" what about the part where He stole the video games. If you do not agree with the way she talks talk to her and say "The way you have been treating me is not a way an adult would treat each other. Even though you are my step daughter doesn't mean you can treat me like crap." You just need to sit down the husband and the daughter down together and give them the speach. You will feel better in the long run.

Answer 4

Tell her not to come around while you are home.
She cannot just stop by.
She must always call first with proper time notice.
Tell her that she cannot just stop by and have you babysit.
If she shows up unannounced, lock the doors and leave.
If she shows up while your husband is there, leave.
Tell your husband that until she shows respect for you and treats you with proper manners, you will have no contact with his rude, disrespectful daughter.
Set boundaries for this piece of work. Tell her what those boundaries are and that there is a no tolerance rule in effect for her bad behavior.
Tell her that you are not going to put up with any crap from her hateful attitude anymore.
And remember, you to are a " grown woman " and you can say whatever YOU want.

Plan B:
Copy this and the others who respond to your request and let her see what a jerkette she really is.

Or just kick her to the curb. Or ask her to go on the Dr. Phil Show if she has the guts to be exposed for what she is.

Best Wishes,

The Woodster

Answer 5

First of all, I would keep the doors locked when your hubby isn't home. this is YOUR home. If she has a key, then put a few slide locks on the doors, so it can only be opened from the inside. Then, simply don't answer the door!

Secondly, your hubby should be backing you up. He says she is a grown woman and can say what she wants, huh? Well, you are too, so have at it! If he questions you about speaking to her that way, then shoot that same excuse back at him.

Lastly, if this is the way she is, I wouldn't respond to her at all. Not in person, not in emails or anything. You can't manipulate what doesn't respond. If she is nasty this way and won't be nice, then don't have anything to do with her and I certainly wouldn't watch her children. How rude is she? Unreal. Good luck and hang in there!

Answer 6

NO wonder you dont know what to do. You have to talk to your husband. Is your son his son as well???
The last time I checked children are more important than grandchildren. Whatever it is, he has to respect your son as well. This is BULLSHIT!!! YOu cant just take someone's stuff and get away with that.
If she can say anything she wants - tell her how you feel. Honestly. At least you will feel better. When your husband says she can say anything she wants he takes of the responsibility from him and leaves it on you. Sort it out the way you would if he wasnt there. Good luck and sorry.

Answer 7

so why don't you tell her that you can't watch the kids..that you're on your way out?? you are both grown women and you should be able to decline babysitting...don't leave it all up to your husband, stand up for yourself as well. she probably sees you as a weak person that she can step all over. you have every right to lay down some rules when she comes to your house....that said, I don't know how old your grandson is but banning him from the house? you should have also sat him down and asked him about the games...seems like you are just letting all of this slide until your husband gets home and then demanding he do something about it. It's YOUR house too...take care of business when you have to.

Answer 8

I have almost the same problem as you except my step kids are younger but they are still the same an I go through the same crap!! I really hate my step son being around because he teaches my son very bad things but honestly there isn't anything you can do just deal with it!!!The step daughter is just a witch an it seems like she has her daddy right where she wants him so you are fighting a losing battle there!!! She is gonna win no matter what you say or do, if you love your husband an all these problems are worth it then do like I do deal with it!! Eventually the problems will get worse an you will be put in a very horrible situation where you will have to choose which is more important to you so you really have to ask yourself is it worth it? Good Luck

Answer 9

Use patience and set some boundaries and then stick to them. Stealing shouldn't be permitted , but your husband is between a rock and a hard place. A grown woman speaking disrespectful to you in your own home should not be permitted and he should set the rules. Unfortunately, you knew this was part of the package when you married the guy, so now you must find a way to coexist...

Answer 10

I had a friend who was in this exact situation. The daughter blamed her for breaking up her parent's marraige although both of them were carrying on an affair. She would never speak to my friend or acknowledge her when she went to see her father. When my friend objected the daughter told her this is my father's house that was paid for before you spread your legs and stole him away from my mother. Needless to say my friend was very angry and told her husband to speak to his daughter and if that did not work he had to stop her from coming over there. Well the father felt so guilty I guess he told her the same thing as the daughter. This is my house and I can invite my kids anytime I want. Their marraige did not last out a year.Now he is married to another woman. If your husband won't stick up for you the marraige is doomed. You can't fight City Hall by yourself.