Another poem. Comments?

Question

Melting Ice beneath my feet... I'm slipping
Silence desends, I reach out without gripping
I fall, we fall into a world of ignorance without cause
We protest to leaders with deaf ears and closed doors
Where do we go from here if we can no longer run?
The pressure builds and they say it's just begun
It's getting warmer, can you feel it or is it just me?
Put forth your words but it's action we want to see
How much longer can we wait to figure out?
The world is dying while we linger on the doubt
The heat rises and fires burn brighter than before
How much more destruction can we risk to ignore?

~
Tell me what you think?
Ok obviously it's about global warming, a very serious issue that affects the whole world. My family is taking it seriously and so should everyone else. GO GREEN PEOPLE!
Thank you!

Answer 1

Good Morning Mojo,
Your such a thoughtful, caring person. I drive a hybrid, a prius I do recycle, turn off lights and remind my kids not to waste water. You would be surprised how much a drip adds up.

Of course I love the poem, your such a natural poet. My only advice to you today is too look closer at your format. Remember the first paragraph and the last paragraph are subject and conclusion even in a poem. Melting ice beneath MY feet... How much destruction can WE risk. Do you see that your first line is romantic and last is political. When writing leave the I's and we's to the reader. The i's and we's are obviously without question the writers point of view and should be expressed in a closed manner, leaving room to imagine as a reader. My is ok in the first line.

What I'm trying to say is Mojo rewrite it expressing this travesty, the destruction, the ignorance as the scene in your personal movie, selling your vision without the vindication of ALL people. Let the guilty feel sadness at your loneliness, let those who relate feel your inner heat.

Answer 2

I'd not say the meaning is obviously about global warming. I'd leave readers to come up with own readings.
Well, my only comment is that it rhymes but you probably wanted it so hence some words seem forced just to achieve rhyme like these out/doubt; before/ignore; me/see. Problem is that your meaning gets clouded in the effort to attain rhyme. Eventually, the style suffocates the noble message.
Hence the awkwardly skeletal positing of this supposedly meaningful rhetorical question:

The pressure builds and they say it's just begun/
It's getting warmer, can you feel it or is it just me?

good luck

Answer 3

Hiya..

What I feel is that the messaging is fine and I endorse what you give this way.
The idea though of a poem for expression brings into the equation form and style.

We all have different personality..perspective and vision..and for me..well I would give the same messaging using your vision ..but I would write in my style..
For example..
Possibly I would give..

'Melting ice..
Falling into the silence..'

and so on..a completely different stance and style..
What you do is yours and I do not seek to invalidate any part of your work..I simply show how I write.
If we seek 'approval' or 'advice' from others..we may need to ask ourselves why so do we ask?
Your poems are yours..they are not mine..they are born and live..unique and aligned to your energy.

I applaud and echo your words to Go Green...
I thank you for the poem which was lovely..very well done..keep all your work safely please..

Answer 4

Your salted tears mingle with mine; I long for days of sunlit beach trips. Even the minnows belly up in a line bring a quiver to my lips. I had a notion that the earth's ocean would be where the secrets were hidden. Now I can see no depths in the sea the images come to me, unbidden of a shy octopus cowering in a tank, seals and walrus' no longer playing, instead they circle a ship that sank glad that the drowned ones are staying. Sometime soon, a ship on the moon will depart out dead earth for another. The prophecies of doom linger and loom; Bless you in your sorrow, my Brother.

Answer 5

honestly? rather wordy.