When daddy lives out of state- how do you handle holidays?

Question

My daughter is 7- almost 8. Her father lives a few states away. Once in awhile he's come up here to spend a holiday- but she has never spent a holiday away with him or his family. This year he called yesterday and asked if she could go with him to his families for Thanksgiving- he'd come out here and get her and then take her our there for a few days and then bring her back. I said ok- and for whatever reason made the dumb mistake and told my daughter. She was more than excited. Anyways- tonight he says, "i dont think it's going to work.. why don't i just come out there and stay for thanksgiving and then she can come out here for christmas" UGH! How should I handle this? My daughter is completely crushed-

Sorry guess it wasnt clear- he maybe see's her 2x a year... so it's not like we're starting to divide holidays or anything. It was just like he called out of the blue to see if she could go last minute- and then he said Sorry won't work- but ill just come out to your place for thanksgiving and then we can plan it so she can come stay out at my place over christmas.

If he paid child support and i actually had money for her- well that's a whole nother story- sorry i guess most of you are getting the picture that hes mr wonderful dad who see's her all the time and supports her etc etc....

when actually it's the opposite. he hardly ever sees her- and he doesnt pay child support... i could pay cash for a new house with what he owes me

Answer 1

First of all you rip him a new one for making a promise to your daughter that he didn't keep. Then, you tell him he isn't having it both ways---meaning, he isn't seeing her on both Thanksgiving and Christmas because she is your little girl too. Unless of course he will be having Thanksgiving with the both of you? Not sure I understand what staying for Thanksgiving means. Anywho, my kids don't see their dad on Thanksgiving (we live two states apart from him as well) but they do see him the entire weekend following. Christmas Eve and Christmas morning are spent with me, and then he gets them Christmas day afternoon through new year's day. It works out well, but I hate sharing holidays at all!

My ex pays child support and takes the children every other weekend in addition to holidays. If I were you, I would not negotiate ANY parenting time until he steps up and stops going about it half assed! Your daughter deserves better!

Answer 2

What ever you do, please be fair about it. Recommend alternating who gets them Christmas and New Years each year or just alternating the bulk of the vacation time completely. Also good to have Thanksgiving one year and Easter the next. Just divide an conquer fairly and hope Dad exercises all the time he can get. I was in the position of making 16 hour round trip drives on the weekends to see my kids and it wasn't fun and I am lucky you of survived it. What ever you do, try to agree on it in writing and don't tell the kids until it is a sure thing. You should also insist on 2 weeks notice for intent to visit; that is more than fair, but divide up the calendar now for the next several vacations so everyone can start planning around it and to prevent this from happening. Best of luck!!!

Answer 3

First off, let me say that I think it's very nice of you to share your daughter with her dad on Thanksgiving. I assume you and your ex have a decent relationship, if nothing else for the child. I have been in this situation. You should not have told your daughter of the plans. Now you have to explain to her how sometimes we just don't get what we want. Maybe you and the ex can come up with another plan for a trip with dad. Do you want her to be with dad on Christmas? If so, send her. If not then tell him no and not to mention it to your daughter. Either way your daughter is going to be disappointed about the Thanksgiving trip. She's almost 8, she can deal with it.

Answer 4

Yes the realities of having a loser for an ex and father of your child!. I have one of those too and its heart breaking on the child (my son is 4). Unfortunately we cant protect them from finding out the reality of what the other parent is like, she will be fine as long as she has you. Just make it clear that it is in no way HER fault, and that it is her fathers fault and that sometimes dad is going to do this. And no its not nice or fair, but that's how he is (a dead **** loser) .

You need to set firm boundaries for your ex. Make it VERY clear that he cannot do this, he either wants her or he doesn't.

I haven't worked out the total solution and I know that every time it happens, it is a horrible emotional roll coaster for both the good parent and the child. Speaking with a psychologist has REALLY helped me cope though..

Answer 5

I understand because I have an 8 year old daughter who I ASK for advise. They are really smart, and my advise to you is to hear what she wants. Tell her how you feel, and then if your Ex treats her well, the BEST thing to do for all of you is split the holidays EVENLY. So, set up Thanksgiving for her now, but Christmas with you (as an example) If he wants Chrsitmas too, tell him you want to be fair and alternate years. If you split it fairly down the middle, your 8 year old will feel the fairnes of give and take; You will not need to mix company with your ex into your personal life; Your Ex will be fair in return.
To fight it, is to become the bad guy, and to start a fight that you can never win. Fair and balanced, divide and discuss!

Answer 6

You have to explain to her that sometimes things happen that we can not control and this is one of them. Then get her exited again by planning what her and her father can do while he is there, some site he can take her to, First though, call him and see how long he plans to stay and tell him how disappointed she is in case he can change his mind again.If he is going to be there for a day or two perhaps you can plan something that they can do together that is special enough to get her excited again. You might even cheer her up by going shopping and getting her something special to wear to meet him. Good Luck to you and I hope you can get her spirits up again.

Answer 7

This happened to me a few times when I was little, but the other way around (I was supposed to go visit my mom and couldn't.) I was crushed, but my dad made a point of making sure that I knew how happy he was to get to spend the holiday with me and tried not to let me hear his frustration with my mother. I was always disappointed when my mom bailed on me, but my dad always made sure that I felt wanted.

Answer 8

Well, yup...thats a mistake we all make..you really can't open your mouth too soon...Murphy's law always comes into play..Its happened to me. She will just have to adjust. Sadly life is full of disappointments and she will just have to learn how to adjust and adapt. He is still coming to see her so that is good.

You can't really do anything about it. Its really tough but you should start having HIM explain things to her directly that way if she is disappoint..she is disappointed in him and not you. When it comes to telling her of when he is coming out. He can run it by you but when its to be annouced to her..HE should do it..

Just one of those things where you just have to get thru it and realise..to not say anything too fast or too soon next time until your sure.

Answer 9

web video cameras, long distance calls, internet and long heartfelt letters and holidat cards