I made a terrible mistake and hit my wife. And I want to leave her.?

Question

First off I am not an abusive husband. I love my family and I am usually a mild mannered person. I have been married for 20 years. and I have 4 children, one who is at home. My wife drinks a lot and has gone through counseling. She was sober for about a year but started back drinking. She has a very domineering and aggressive personality. I have been embarassed at her at parties and other events while she is drunk she yells at me as if I'm a kid for no real reason. I work hard and have given her and our children a good life. She has this dillusion that I am cheating on her which I have never done and don't plan on doing. She got all upset the other night by a something harmelss I did and cussed me loudly. I don't know what came over me but I slapped her in the face. I got mad and didn't mean to do it but it happened and I feel terrible about it. As I look back I think I should leave her from all the stress. I tried to walk away but she followed me everywhere I went. Any advice? Thanks

Answer 1

God, I hate to admit that Ann Landers was ever right, but she was on this kind of issue.

First, you need to learn coping strategies for your anger, because whether you stay or go, there will be times when she makes you furious. After 20 years, she knows every button you've got and how to push 'em. So consider a bit of counseling for yourself regardless of what you decide to do.

Now the Ann Landers biggie. Setting aside her well-being for the moment, ask yourself whether your life would be better with her or without her. Don't get involved with the drinking issue or her verbal abuse, answering as if she continues drinking or stops and stays stopped. Right now, today, are you better staying with the woman she is, or going?

Only you can answer that, of course. If her alcoholism is affecting your child still at home, consider taking her/him with you when and if you leave.

If you do leave, line up your new place to live ahead of time. Pack and get out when she is not home to follow you. Make it understood at work that they are not to give her your address. She will follow you home eventually, but you do not have to let her into your apartment. If she wants to talk, go to a public place and let her--if she's sober. I'd make that a condition of any discussion.

It's a brutally hard decision. My best wishes to you for making the right one.

Answer 2

You say "I'm not some uneducated schmuck". That sounds very elitist and arrogant. Hitting your wife doesn't have anything to do with education, although you've made your point loud and clear that you are a professional, not a homeless person. We get that. What we don't get is much of a sense of remorse. I barely saw your sentence about how this was the biggest mistake of your life. The reason her family can't get past this is because it was a violation of trust. Trust takes years to build, and only a moment to tear down. Statistically, if a man hits his wife once, he WILL do it again. Additionally, the fact that alcohol was involved makes the situation worse. No, you're not an uneducated schmuck on the street, but are you an alcoholic? Are you going to get another DUI? Are you going to wreck the car with her in it? Perhaps these are questions running through her family's mind, and you can take some steps to mend the fence. You mention no words about seeking professional counseling. You now have a DUI on your record, which tells me that you need to carefully consider your usage of alcohol. Have you gone to an AA meeting? Have you offered to go to couples counseling with your wife? Have you offered to go to individual counseling? You *must* take radical steps to earn her trust, rebuild your damaged character, and honor her family so they will respect you again. Your wife is still by your side, you are very lucky.

Answer 3

Hitting her will only set up you as an abuser. You could go
to jail and lose any rights to see your children.
Leaving her would be your best option. She obviosuly has
self esteem issue thinking or accusing you of cheating.
My mother is an alcoholic (she has not had a drink in 20 yrs)
but she still has paranoia and thinks everyone is stealing
from her. It will always be the same.
You need to leave and talk to a counselor and have your
wife see it just won't work anymore. 20 years is a long time
BUT you have to think of you and your kids now.
Seek legal counsel, and do this soon before it happens
again (hitting).

Answer 4

I went through something like that with a live-in girlfriend. I never lost my temper, but believe me, with the abuse I put up with, I was hard-pressed.

Yes, you're being psychologically and emotionally abused. My ex was a mean drunk, too: fists and dishes flying one night, all tears and remorse the next morning (or amnesia).

If you ever get to that point again, get in the car and drive. Or take a long walk and come back after you're fairly certain she's passed out (worked for me).

Then either get her into AA and counseling, or get a separation. And take the kids with you.

You'd better start thinking of this as a legal/financial issue now, because like it or not, it will be. Sorry.

I feel for you, fella. Don't take the abuse. Protect yourself and your kids, mentally, emotionally, financially, and legally. Don't just do nothing. Good luck.

Answer 5

An alcoholic is an alcoholic. Even sober, they're still an alcoholic. Once they fall off the wagon, it's nothing but heartache for all concerned. And it will be hell for you all.

I suggest you take your remaining child and leave. Find yourself a good attorney, and file for divorce. Get a restraining order to keep her away from you and your remaining child. This woman isn't going to be able to stay sober until she WANTS to stay sober. She had a good thing going for that year, but she knew the minute she took that first drink, she'd be a goner. It's a tragic thing, but you can't help her. All you are doing is enabling her by staying and taking her abuse.

About your slapping her...even though she probably deserved it, it's a sign you're out of patience and you need to get gone from her before she pushes you over the edge. It's bad enough she's abusive, you don't need to go there, too.

I wish you luck, but you're not helping her by staying. She needs to do this for herself...she knows how, she did it once. Now she needs to do it once and for all.

God Bless.

Answer 6

Number 1: Apologize - Number 2: Tell your wife in no
uncertain term "You are leaving if she continues to stress
you out".

If you live by these words, you will do well. Your wife needs
a firm person to lean on, she obviously loves you. If she
did not she would of left you and you would not be in this
position. If you let her know you are at the end of you rope
and you are not going to take it any more, "there is a good
chance that she will work for the good of your marriage".

If she continues to be problematic, they you will have to leave
her; "It will be the best you can do for her".

Answer 7

It sounds like you know what you want now just do it. I understand this is one side of the story and hers may be different but if you are not happy leave. No sense staying and making it worse. Just be sure when you go you take that child with you because once you are gone she will turn her abusive behavior somewhere and you don't want it to be the child. Good luck.

Answer 8

At this point its okay to walk. have a sit down with your wife and your children. explain that you cant take any more of this crazy lady's ****.
As far as the hitting? dude you should have never done that. I mean come on, its a female. you have no reason to have ever raised your fist.
Well hope this helps, take it easy.

Answer 9

You can not keep taking responsibility for another person's decision, she decided to drink so you do not have to suffer the consequences. You should divorce her if that is what you want, and if she starts to follow you get a restraining order on her.

Answer 10

Then leave her. File a stocking order on her after that if she still follows you around. Make sure you sit down and explain this to your kids too so they don't blame themselves. Tell your wife how you feel before you do this though.