I'm writting a staory that's about family and stuff. It's heart warming. This section I'm going to give you is one of the down sides of the story, kind of near the end, but the ending is happy. I plan spending a couple years working on this story, so this is what I have so far.
Phil got to the cemetary. He got out of his car, and stood at the gate. This was the cemetary where his father lie. This was the cemetary where his brother lie. This was the cemetary where his wife lie. He had never visited one one them.
He walked towards Maddie, slowly. "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling scared," He started to sing. Fear crept into him.
He approached the gravestone. This was it. Ther lay Maddie. He wasn't more than 4 feet away. Finally he knelt in front of it. He didn't know what to do next. He never visited a cemetary after the funeral before. It was just than he realized that his wife was right below hid knees. Everything was becomeing real again.
not enoughroom.
2007-11-19 07:44:17 · 5 answers · asked by SoundofSettling 4 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I hope you can tell where the paragraph is supposed to be. There wasn't enough room, and it's written horribly. Just tell me what you think about the part itself. I know all the grammar mistakes in there, so I don't need to hear you telling me.
2007-11-19 07:45:22 · update #1
I know THAT part is found in every story, and there is personalized stuff. It is a one of a kind, my own story. That was just a part.:) You HAVE to read the rest!
2007-11-19 07:53:15 · update #2
Okay, yes it needs cleaning up, and I will suggest you do that first. Also, cut and paste from your word processor saves you having to type it again when you post it here.
As to the story, I like it as you have Phil walking to the grave. I would suggest that you put he began to sing before he starts to sing not afterword. Keep working. Polish polish and then polish.
2007-11-19 07:52:24 · answer #1 · answered by Songbyrd JPA ✡ 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hey, that's a great start, if that's the first draft of that part, you got a story coming along great! since you know about the grammar there is no use going there. Good luck. I really like it the funeral atmosphere that the story is reveakling to us. I would say to keep up with it fellow writer. DXXD
2007-11-19 15:52:21 · answer #2 · answered by sesshoumaru sama 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well..I think that this story has a nice beginning. It sounds as if it could be found in mostly any story. YOu should personalize it even more for it to seem like your style. Otherwise, the language and the vocabulary was very good. =]
2007-11-19 15:47:57 · answer #3 · answered by Alla Z 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I was very moved just reading the part you posted today - I look forward to reading the whole book.
2007-11-19 15:59:06 · answer #4 · answered by chimpsky_clone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you've done and excellent job. You might want to consider adding a little more detail to it though.
2007-11-19 17:00:14 · answer #5 · answered by im_loved_by_someone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋