Is it right to have a checklist?

Question

Long story short, I took the kids and moved to my mom's house this past weekend. I'm tired of my hubby's crap and told him that he has until the end of the year to get it together or I'm filing for divorce. I'm developing this list of things that I would like to see from him in order to stay with him. Is this the right thing to do? One part of me thinks that there is no way that he could know the things on my list because he's not a mind reader, but on the other hand, these are common things that everyone wants in their relationship so it's not a huge secret. All I want from him is:
1. To wear his wedding ring without my having to ask. I took mine off because he doesn't want to act like a husband so I figured why should I wear it. He saw that I took mine off and took his off. I'm thinking that if he really wanted to prove to me that he still wanted to be married that he would wear it, regardless if I did or not.
2. Make an effort to spend time with me. I sent him a message today and

told him that if he wanted to spend time with me that I wouldn't be opposed to it. I never heard back from him. I am at a loss with what to do with this man. I hate that I have resorted to lists, but I am entitled to happiness in my own marriage.

ok, so everyone is right about the ring thing. i wondered about that too. i'm just so tired of being the only one in the marriage that wants to act married. and to all of you that say i have to be willing to change, there is nothing that needs to be changed on my end. all our problems come from his not wanting to leave the ladies alone and constantly putting everyone before his own family.

Answer 1

I'm not sure if it's right to have a checklist or not. If these are issues that you aren't going to go without anymore, than you should tell him. As far as not wearing his ring....if he took it off after you took yours off, he's probably just following your lead. He might decide to put it back on again or he might wait to see if you put yours on---who knows? Do you really want to base your future and your decisions about him on whether or not he's wearing his wedding ring? It's just a ring, not a sign from God that you shouldn't give up on him. But, he should definitely spend more time with you. How else are you two going to work things out?

You just moved out, so give him a few days to cool off and think about what he's lost. Right now he's probably REALLY mad and not ready for a heart-to-heart conversation and an attempt to win you back. He's pissed. Give him some space and wait for him to contact you. Good luck, and I hope you two are able to work everything out!

Answer 2

One thing that I have noticed on Yahoo! Answers is that most wives with thoughtless husbands call their husbands hubby. Perhaps that is a clue right there.

Your list sounds much shorter than it really is, but he does not seem to care. I would say that he is not worth keeping. Instead of getting the point of your removing your wedding ring, or better yet asking you why, he removed his ring. He is not mature enough to recognize the problems or he is having an affair and removing the ring made that easier.

The fact that he did not reply to your text message could be that his phone is turned off or that he does not really care. The fact that you are making the effort after moving out on him clearly shows that he does not care.

From your question, I would say that it is time to end the marriage. I would also say that there is a lot more wrong in this marriage than just the rings or some time together.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 3

If you don't expect him to be a mindreader, then why is it that you're attempting to be one when it comes to his actions? You automatically assume that he's putting everyone else before you and your children. However, how do you know what's really going on in his mind?

I think that it's only fair to share your list of things that you want out of the relationship, so long as you're also willing to read HIS list. Because HE deserves to be content in a relationship as well. Maybe not skipping-through-the-daisies happy, but at least content. You BOTH do. But in order to get there, you have to acknowledge that there are things you might need to change as well.

I know we all think that we're doing everything humanly possible, but there has to be something. I don't think your husband is being 100% evil and that he just doesn't care about you at all. I think that there are things you would both need to work on, and that might include each of you individually creating a list of what changes you might need to see.

However, if he never responded to your text about spending time together, it might just be too late to get that point back. For example, if when you were with him before all you ever did was nag him--I'm not saying this happened, just supposing--then he would understandably not want to spend time with you, right? Maybe there's something that you did that you have no idea about that upset him. The best way to find out is to talk to him.

Also, you'll want to DEFINE what it means to try to spend more time with you. If he's watching a football game on TV while you're sitting in the same room reading, does that count? You need to give him a specific idea of what type of time you would want from him.

Answer 4

I think that you should take the list, and take him out to dinner, just the two of you, and review your needs and wants. Like you said, he is not a mind reader. If he is like most men, me included, hints do not work, but a 2 x 4 with a note at the end does. Maybe, if he sees what you need, and you see what he needs you can start working on those. I dont know your situation, but from what i'm reading there is a definate lack of communication going on.
2. If he doesnt wear a wedding ring because of work, and a potential hazard, you need to respect that. (I had a friend lose a finger over that arguement)

Answer 5

I do not really put a lot of emphasis on wearing wedding rings.
If that married thing is not firmly in your head the ring does not matter.

As for making a list, I would suppose that you need to detail what you want to continue. I think it should include specific behavior not just feelings. You are already out of the house so your return should include some requirements. If you have not previously discussed these items it may have been premature to move out for them

I believe that both of you are responsible to maintain "couple time". It probably would not have gotten this far had you both been committed to time for each other all along. When was the last time you went on a date?

I also have read many of your answers and agree with many of them.
I have always felt that separation is the last resort.
If you have hope for reconciliation I hope he does not feel the same way. A trial separation which is previously stated as just that, a trial to see if the separate life is for you sometimes works. I do know that my wife is welcome to walk out anytime she does not wish to be here. Her return would then be up to me. I really hope this does not backfire on you.

Good Luck on this one.

Answer 6

Lists are not a bad way to start out. But refine them and make them more specific. Also make sure that they are cause and effect, as opposed to "you have to".

For instance, I would like you to spend Tues and Wed evenings with the family having game night and movie night. I would like to have Sat evenings to ourselves for a date night. If you agree to this I will move back in.

After I move back in and things are working well, in 1 month I would like for both of us to start wearing our rings again.

This the way it needs to be presented, after you CALL him and set up a time for the two of you to talk about things. Text messaging oblique messages is just confusing and impersonal.

If these are the major issues that you are having you should have worked on them while you were still together, they are not the kind of things you throw a marriage away over, especially if children are involved.

TIme to start having real adult communication and problem solving. Don't be petty either, be nice, present your feelings without being being accusatory, and be ready to compromise. And if you are unable to do this, just file now instead of prolonging the misery.

Answer 7

I think having a list is good, but in reality you can not expect him to take it serious. He's a man. I don't think wearing a ring makes you anymore married then you already are, so that's kinda of petty if you ask me. Now, I think the spending time together is a legitimate request. Come up with a list that has more family time, and I think you'll win.

Answer 8

a list is fine if that's what you want but the two of you can't work things out apart. go back and give him the list of things you would like to see changed and ask him for a list of things for you to change. this is a two way street you need to change some too if you expect him to change. and know that the changes will be hard but will come with support from each other if you BOTH are willing to try.

Answer 9

Maybe make this more obvious to him. Give him a copy of the list. If he's convinced himself that you have some crazy, unobtainable items on your list, then he probably has no clue where to start.

If he's STILL messing up, then you know you did everything you could. Honestly, those items are not a big deal, and should be a given in a healthy relationship. I don't think you're being unreasonable, but at least give him a chance first.

Answer 10

What you have is an ultimatum. Why not share it with your husband so he can know what he has to improve or stop doing!! Based on your checklist he can see his mistakes and learn from them and hopefully prove to you that he will change. You also have to think about what you bring to the table as well. Maybe there are some things he wishes he can change from you. I think it would be a good idea from both of you to create a checklist and make each other happy. It takes two to tangle.