open relationship ... how do they work for you?

Question

married for 3yrs but together for a total of 6yrs.

How would an open relationship work?
My husband and I have been talking about it for a while now and thinking about actually making it work... The thing is how do we make it work without causing any problems?

He's not jealous and i'm alright with it... I dont mind him being with someone else as long as they know its not serious.

We both love each other very much and just want to spice some things up a bit.

Prefer Comments from people in an open relationship...

Answer 1

It works differently for different couples. My wife and I are in an open marraige like this. If you are not completely honest with each other and truly in love with each other, it won't work. However, we have found that we are closer together now than ever. We are always together when it happens (some aren't) It is just sex, not love.

email me if you have any questions.

Answer 2

I've never been in that kind of relationship, however, I've also been married 3 yrs and if my husband wanted to be with someone else I would feel that something is wrong. You can add spice without bringing in a 3rd party. You are a couple and you should keep the intimacy between just the two of you. I know of other couples who have tried a "open relationship" and there is always jealousy, and the others brought in also bring more drama to the situation.

Answer 3

My second husband had been in an open marriage for 16 years. It was his idea and in the end he couldn't deal with it but she didn't want to stop so they ended up in a divorce. Meanwhile, her life went downhill and she died at age 48. Our marriage is in separation as he couldn't understand my concerns about his lack of commitment to me before anyone else. These relationships just cause you to become non-trusting, often you find you like the other person better, and there is such a good possibility of getting std's.

Meanwhile, any other relationship that you get into after the divorce finds that they feel unsure about you're trustworthiness.

Answer 4

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We've been actively polyamorous* for about 10 of those years. Additionally, my husband and I do personal and relationship coaching, mostly for polyamorous (open) relationships. You've asked a very complex question, but here's a quick take on where to start.

1) Communicate clearly with your husband/partner(s) about what your expectations and ground rules are. Discussing what you will do in advance of starting a relationship will be helpful when you run into challenges (and you will!).

2) Go slowly. Open things up slowly, and try to make sure that everyone's needs are getting met at each step of the way. If someone is having a problem, be committed to discussing and resolving it.

3) Be as open and honest as possible, with yourself, your husband, and any prospective partners. Honesty is what distinguishes an open relationship from cheating.

4) Get help from experienced people. Asking this question was a good start. Consider joining a discussion group on polyamory, such as the Loving More Lovelist:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/LovingMore_lovelist/

5) Do more research on open relationships. Our poly resources webpage has a short list of some websites to explore, some books to consider, and some other information you might want to investigate as you find and/or create the right style of relationship for you:
http://www.mandalaenterprises.com/polyResources.html

I'd be happy to help you find more resources, answer any questions, or help point you in the direction of where to find more answers if you need.

Good luck with this! It's not an easy path, but it can be a very rewarding one, with amazing possibilities for love, family, friendships, community, and support.


*Polyamory means literally "many loves." I consider "open relationships" and "Polyamorous relationships" to be overlapping sets--they are often the same, but not always.

Answer 5

I'm not in an open relationship, but I want you to know I have known people who tried this and it fails everytime! No matter how much you think you will be ok with it, you will not. I dont understand why people get married and then decide to sleep with other people. Isnt that the reason to get married? to spend your life with that ONE person? Trust me, it will be very bad and possibly destroy your marriage.

Answer 6

From your statement above, it looks like you're approaching this from the "swinger" side of open relationships. I identify most clearly with the "polyamory" side of the continuum, but I will do my best to answer to your apparent side. The two subsets do overlap. There are many who consider themselves both Swingers and Polyamorous.

This is definitely not a step made lightly. If the relationship between the two of you is strong, if you communication and honesty (with yourselves as well as each other) are strong, it may work. If you have any insecurities, they will come up. It will then be up to the two of you to work things out, to deal with those issues as they come up.

I would say that the "swinger" side of the continuum is possibly a bit easier (when compared to polyamory). If the couple sets a clear boundary regarding sex not being equal to love, then it is possible for them to make it work with a minimum of turmoil. I would agree with the earlier poster who suggested connecting up with an existing "Lifestyle" organization in your area. Many newcomers actually choose a venue outside of their area. That way they're less likely to connect with people they might encounter on the street (or at a PTA meeting or in church).

By connecting through an existing Lifestyle group, you will have a well-established set of guidlines to follow. This will help the two of you ease into things a bit more easily. By connecting with others who already identify with the Lifestyle, you'll probably avoid most of the miscommunication problems that tend to occur.

In the sources area, I've included some podcast sites that talk about some of the challenges and advantages. They are good ones for advice.

On the polyamory side of the continuum, we open ourselves to the possibility of love being shared with other partners. This provides more of a challenge to us, but in my opinion, yields many more rewards. Polyamorists tend to seek family members more than play partners.

I'm open to any questions you may have if you want me to clarify or expand on anything. Good luck to the both of you!

Answer 7

it doesnt work, in the end someone is hurt and it usually ends up in divorce or prison or whatever the circumstance may be. its also not very different if you just be with your partner the important thing for you two to be is open minded but not in a open relationship.

Answer 8

I'm not in one.. but I personally think that OPEN Relationships are stupid and pointless..
I mean..when you get married you vow to be with that person..in all means.. it doesn't mean - hey lets go and have sex with random people for fun.
And I gaurantee you will not be ok with it..maye at first but not after awhile!! I mean come on think about it!!
use your head...

Now if you guys try it and it works, well more power to ya!!
Good luck

Answer 9

open relationships are an excuse for people without the balls to get divorced have sex with anyone they want. You've always got the old security blanket in case you change your mind.

Don't bother. Just move out and shag whoever you two want.

Answer 10

Find a good swingers group and start there. if you try it on your own it is a disaster lurking about. They have rules and everyone follows the rules, even after the party. It really is the best way. Good luck.

Answer 11

Ahhh the OPEN MARRIAGE......why are people standing in front of GOD saying their vows to love and cherish each other when all you want to do is screw the next guy available????
You will love it when you come home and see the hubby you "LOVE SO MUCH" screwing a 20yr old and liking it!!
Get a divorce and buy a pack of condoms.....marriage isnt for you.