Cheated on husband. What to do now.?

Question

I cheated on my husband and he found out about 4 days ago. I know what a selfish, horrible thing it was to do to him. We had some issues in our relationship, like his lack of paying attention to me. I know that still doesn't justify what I did. I am remorseful and so very sorry, but he wants a divorce. So he says. But he is sending me mixed signals. One minute he is moving out in December. The next minute he is staying until end of January. He goes from being hostile to nice back to hostile. Should I give him some space, and go stay with a friend? Or just stay at home and keep trying to be nice? This doom and gloom over our house is starting to wear on me, and I am sinking into a depression. Any advice?

Thanks for all your great advice. Yes, I did discuss with him multiple times my feelings about his lack of paying attention to me. It would get better for a a day or two, then revert back to the way it was. We were going to go to counseling, but being we have very busy careers, time just never allowed it. Hindsight is 20/20 and we should have made it a priority.

Answer 1

First off, try to put yourself in his shoes,and consider how confused your thinking would be. His trust in you is lost. It will take a lot of time for you to regain his trust. If he is interested in working on your issues then counseling is in order.
Your marriage can be saved. ~~~~~~~~

My hubby cheated on me big time when we where first married. I happened to have what it took, to fight for my marriage, when he wasn't even interested. He wound up crying & begging me not to leave him & "I would never be sorry" he said. ~~~

We have been happily married now for 54 yrs. with 5 grown happily married children & I have never been sorry that I didn't leave him. We couldn't be happier & we give the credit to Our Saviour. It's the valleys as well as the mountain peaks that will make your marriage strong. You need to take the focus off of yourself & show some humility, if you want it to work for you.
I wish you the strength for the effort, to make your marriage one of success also. God will help you, if only you will ask.

Answer 2

mixed signals i think would be normal at this point , he just found out you cheated , he loves you , that cant just die overnight but yet the man feels very betrayed , he is hurting and is mad ... telling you its over and he is moving could be a way of letting the anger out ... this is just an idea , but if he was really planning on moving out why would he wait ? .. he to might be buying some time to see what happens next , you can give him some space at home but i wouldnt move out , that might make him think you are wanting to see someone else again , as far as him being nice one minute and hostile the next minute is probably natural ...again he loves you but feels betrayed and hurt , he may be trying to sort his feelings out for you , he may be trying to see if there is something worth saving in this marriage , you need to show him there is ... you need to try to be understanding to his feelings because you are the one that caused him to feel this way , im not saying that you arent sorry , im sure you are , the trouble in the marriage before you cheated needs to be talked through , him not paying attention to you , in a lot of marriages people seem to get to the point where they do take each other for granted ...and this can be worked through also , suggest counseling for the both of you .. good luck.

Answer 3

Look, your husband just found out about this 4 days ago; he is obviously going through all kinds of emotions; he is still in shock. The truth is, he loves you and has been hurt to his very soul; he is angry, confused and the first instinct is always to run away from the person who caused his pain.

What you can do is take anything and everything he throws your way, right now; not to turn away from him or go hide at a friends home. If you love him enough, you will be strong enough to realize that what he really needs, right now, is your love and to once again be able to trust you. You think you are depressed? Double that and that is how he is feeling. Please be understanding and just continue to show that you love him, give him compliments, and keep saying you are sorry and would change it all in a second if you could.

Here's a website to give him; he may need the support other men can provide; they have gone through or are going through the same as he is.

Answer 4

I'm glad that you acknowledge the wrong that you did. As to how to respond to his attitude, it's all just a matter of what he thinks you should do. The reason he's sending you mixed signals is because he probably doesn't know how to react right now. When you're first cheated on, it's easy to think that you'll just leave him--it's that simple. But when it comes down to it, I think it's much more difficult to leave the relationship. You still love the person who cheated on you, so you're kind of up in the air.

I would confirm with him what he wants you to do. Leave? Stay? Go away for a little while? Try to work things out?

Answer 5

If you want the marriage to work out then you are going to have to stay there. If you go to a friends house it won't matter because he will think you are with him. The question is do you think he is going to all of the sudden change around and be the husband you want him to be since you cheated? He may, I don't know, but chances are I say he will be less trusting and will pay less attention to you. The attention that he is likely to give you will be to "check up" on you, and in the long run you will probably be better off divorcing. I hope I am wrong, but that is just how I see it.

Answer 6

Well he is probably feeling betrayed and doens't know if he can trust you and that he still loves you and is probably angry because of it. That is why he is giving you mixed signals. You basically just lost his trust. If you want to make it work, then you need to go to counseling to form a line of communication. I think what you need to do right now is give him space but also be supportive of him emotionally. You have to remember that even though you have problems in your marriage, cheating is NOT the way to solve or fix a problem. 'A lack of paying attention' should not even remotely be a reason why you should have cheated. You should have talked to him instead of sleepng with someone else.
Good luck

Answer 7

Things will never be the same. You did mess up royaly instead of trying to fix the situation before it escaladed to that point. Some people's hearts heal with time. Others will leave out of respect for themselves. If you all dont have kids there is a 50/50 chance of getting divorced. Children often give a marriage more of a chance to give that 2nd chance. It will take time if you want to prove it will not happen again. He sounds like he's confused and doesnt know if he can get over it even though he wants to.

Answer 8

By the things you say you really don't know what you have done to this man.You are right about one thing you are one very selfish wife.I'm hearing how it's affecting you,what about your husband. Not only have you hurt his proud you took his dignity away and that's the only thing left he has to hold onto.You say the right words but for some reason i really don't thing you know what your husband is going through. You can't know,not unless he cheated on you you will never feel the pain he is in.
I can't believe you don't know why he is giving you mix messages,can't you see the agony in his face when he looks at you. One minute he could look at you with so much love in his heart and before he even blinks that love could turn to pure hatred. This is the battle he is fighting within himself so when you say things like,the doom and gloom is starting to wear on you,look over at your husband and then tell me how it's wearing on you.
If you really love your husband and you don't want him to leave it's up to you now. When my husband left me it killed me inside,it took almost a year for the pain to subside. After 2 1/2 years he came back home only for me to learn about his whore he had on the side, a co-worker of course.
I just got over the fact that he left me not to long ago,but now i had to deal with the pain all over ago only this time it was unbearable. I told my husband to leave and to get the f u c k out of my face. He stayed right there and let me vent and hit and throw things at him. He wouldn't let me go and although i was devastated i needed him to hold me.
He ask me to marry him all over again and i did. My husband did all the right things to let me know just how sorry he was, unlike you talking about yourself and what your going through.You need to forget what your going through and help your husband to heal. If he wants to call you every name in the book let him.You need to beg his forgiveness not once not twice but a million times if necessary.If you really love your husband you will do all these thing and more if need be.

Answer 9

Leave and give him his space 2 figure out what he wants 2 do. Remember something, he may 4give u but he'll NEVER 4get that u betrayed him in the worst way possible. It's always going 2 b between u and as 4 trust...it's a goner. Get counseling and try 2 work it out but move out and let him have some thinking room.

Answer 10

Start by trying to think about how HE feels. Instead of choosing to talk to him about the issues you thought your relationship had, you chose to get busy with some other dude. Your resolution didn't even solve the problem, if just hurt him.
If you want to make things better, you need to start by making yourself better. Go to counseling. Maybe he'll see you're really trying and will give your relationship another chance.
You have no right to be depressed about a situation you caused yourself. Stop being so self-absorbed and maybe your relationship stands a chance.

Answer 11

Wow, it sounds tough and I hope things work out.
Did you tell him how really sorry you are - put all your heart into it.
If it were me I show him you want to work on the marriage and ask him to go to counseling together.
To me it sounds like he does not want to leave [or he would have] but he is VERY hurt. Put extra effort into showing him you love him and do stuff for him. Start leaving notes, ask him to dinner, for walks [gives you time to talk] and see if you can make a go of it. Do stuff to start moving past it slowly.
I would not move out if it were me. I would start throwing all I had into it and give it a good try. If absolutely nothing else works then I would move out.