What is the best way to deal with a rude mother inlaw?

Question

Earlier, I posted a question about my sick husband who takes the smallest symptom and turns it into the biggest illness. I don’t think his mother was too happy with me yesterday. She is a sweet person to those who she wants to be sweet to, but overall she is blunt, rude and controlling and it drives me crazy. I went to church yesterday and I asked my husband several times if he was okay to stay at home alone (for congestion and sore throat). He said he was so I was off to church. Afterwards, me and my three aunts went to dinner as usual. I ordered my husband a to-go plate and headed home. I get a call from my mother inlaw and when I answer the first thing she says is “___, how’s ___ doing?”. I said “Fine I guess. I’m not at home yet”. Then I paused and said “I talked to him earlier though”. She said “Well what did he say” (and she said it firmly). I said “He is laying down”.

Then I said “Is he not answering the phone or something?” (letting her know in so many words that she needs to call him herself). She said “I hadn’t tried to call him yet”. She had called him all Saturday and all Sunday, worried because of congestion and a sore throat. So why didn’t she try to call him then? This has been an ongoing issue for me. She usually calls my husband on his cell phone (and will get upset if he doesn’t answer), but she has started calling him on the home phone sometimes. I usually answer and it’s a coin toss as to whether or not she’ll say hello or greet me in any way. A lot of the times she’ll say “Is ___ there?” (as if she doesn’t know me). Either that or she’ll say “___, let me speak to ___”.

Sometimes she’ll say “What are ya’ll doing?” or “What are you doing?”. But it’s only when SHE wants to acknowledge me. If she can’t get a hold of my husband on his cell she calls the home phone and it’s like she wants to get to him right away. She doesn’t care how she sounds and who she offends in the process. She wants her son and that’s it. When my mother calls, she ALWAYS speaks to my husband first and then asks for me. No matter how much of a rush she’s in. She’ll say “Hi ___, is ___ home?”. All my family does that. My mother inlaw made a comment that someone called there and asked for my father inlaw one day and didn’t speak to her. Why doesn’t she see it as a problem when she does it? I brought it to my husband’s attention when we first got married 3 years ago. He said I should talk to her about it – that’s what he usually says when I tell him something about her.

We hang out often (as a family) and I have never gotten into any arguments or had any problems with her -- in person. I like her as a person. I actually love my inlaws. But she is too controlling (my husband is a mama's boy) and she's so rude and it pisses me off. The only people she seems to have 100% respect for is my husband, her husband and her grandaughter (my husband's adopted brother's daughter). Again, she has never flat out disrespected me, but I think it's rude how she calls my house and doesn't speak. It's rude and tacky.

Answer 1

The only way to handle a rude person is with kindness. You can't change them, so be nice and live with it.

Answer 2

Acting as if you are the telephone operator or the maid when you answer the phone is flat out disrespective and rude! Sorry to say this but she could careless about you honey. I know because my ex's mom never called the home phone she only called my ex's cell phone. Never asked me how I was or asked about me at all she could careless about me even knowing he cared for me. She is 2 faced anyone who criticizes another person for doing the exact same thing they do obviously thinks they are above and better than everyone else. I would just do my best to ignore her and next time she calls and says ___ let me speak to ____? Say this " And how are you today ____? I'm so glad you called I have been thinking about you all day you have not called to speak to ___ ___ yet and forget to ask me how I was doing I started to get worried. Well now that you have called and are being your rude self here he is. Oh and have a nice day would ya. Hehe

Answer 3

I have almost the exact same mother-inlaw. I will tell you what I do, I attempt to be as blunt with her as she is with me. The whole thing where she calls your house and asks to speak to your husband as if she doesn't know you, my inlaw does the same thing, next time she does it make sure you greet her and make it known that if she calls your house and you answer the phone she is going to have to pretend to be happy to talk to you. The things that bug you, tell her exactly when it bothers you, don't hold back, this is the way to squash the problem. You are Christian just as my wife and I are and my little boy therefore you should know that when a man and a women get married they become one therefore when she speaks to you, tell her that it is if she is speaking to her son and if she can't do that, then stop calling, your husband really needs to step up and tell her these things as well. We have done this with our inlaws and it works, although we have to remind them once and a while.

God Bless You,

I know things will turn out well.

Answer 4

I would say that your husband needs to stick up and talk to his mother. I have had problems like you. My mother-in-law is not mean but she is very controlling. See what I had to do was tell my husband and he was very good about handling things. If you do not have the support of your husband then you are in trouble. He should be your priority and if you are upset about something then he should want to help. Also you may just have to ignore her. Or confront her directly. Like when she calls the house you can be like I would appreciate it if you would at least acknowledge me when you call. And also bring up the fact that she does not like it when people call her home and ask for her husband without acknowledging her. If all that fails then ignore her...you are not married to her. No one can make you angry...YOU control YOU!!!

Answer 5

This sounds pretty typical of my relationship with my mother in law as well. Whenever she calls his cell and he doesn't answer, she'll call the house. She doesn't usually say anything to me except for asking if he is home and to have him call whenever he gets in. Once in a while she will have a conversation with me, but not normally. I really don't care. I know she isn't calling to talk to me, so it doesn't bother me when she doesn't. I call it picking your battles. To me this is a non issue. In person we get along fine. We have never had a disagreement. In fact she has told me she is glad that her son found such a good wife. I don't take her behavior on the phone personally. Yes it is rude, but the world is full of rude people.

Edited:
To be honest I do what Kitkat above suggested. If I see it is her calling, I generally don't answer the phone, since I know it is him she is looking for.

Answer 6

Okay, you say she's rude and teases you. Not good behavior. But reason to divorce??? Cmon! You know how she's going to behave. So just ignore it. Also, your husband should be willing to go to family events half the time without you, so that you can limit your contact. Then, when you are there, let it roll off your back. Honestly, it's just not worth the energy to fuss about this. Ignore it.

Answer 7

Girl please!...I am going through the same thing as you- as we type. Are you sure your mother in law isn't related to mine?lol...Seriously though, I mean,the only difference I think is that with my m-i-l-she is only nice to people that have money or have something she can benefit from. She does the same thing though with the phone and the calling. I swear she like calls him every freakin day! and the only thing she ever says is, "hi, are you okay? are you sure? what's wrong?" OMG!! Like as if she's expecting him to have problems with me all the time sh-t, the only problem we have is her always freakin nosing around in our sh-t. Girl, Im telling you. She goes through my things-I mean, my personal things,mail,pictures,letters from my family and friends,etc.And when I go to try to get my stuff back, she like has a big *** drama scene. It's like she points out everything that everyone else does and then does it herself! But she only notices when other people do it. girl I swear I can go on and on about my m-i-l. My husband is a mama's boy, too. I've even seriously thought about leaving him because of her!.I know, it sounds stupid on my part huh? But I don't know what else to do, I mean it's not like he treats me good or anything. I feel like I've wasted my time. At least I got too beautiful kids out of it. ......Look at me, I'm sorry I got caught up. I guess It just kinda felt good to talk about it. Maybe you should try that, yeah, try to address the problem with her. Is she at least someone you can talk to and she won't take it the wrong way, or get upset? You should sit her down and tell her how you feel. Obviously, you care enough to try and resolve the problem. Girl, I don't know how long you've been married, but don't waste your life trying to please her, because to me it sounds like she's unhappy with herself.

Answer 8

I had the same problem for years with my MIL. Like you said, not flat out disrespectful, but controlling and rude and trying to 'mother' my husband to death.

I decided to be overly-super-sweet to her and when she would just ask for my hubby (which you are right, feels like a snub) I would say, "I'll get him, but first, It is so good to hear from you, please tell me how you are doing?" It was hard at first, then it became a habit. I realized she saw me as a threat to her and that when I aligned myself with her all competition vanished. I would try it. It has made my life so much easier and my husband was proud that I found a way through to her. Now she will sometimes call and speak to me and forget to even ask for my husband!

Answer 9

i believe prayer is the first step, second, accept for who she is and what she has made of your husband...a mama's boy.third...talk to her after you have soaked her in prayer so that the two of you will be able to settle some issues that you have..fourth never stop praying for your in laws...fifth never compare the values of your family with the values your husband's family has...you will always end up hurt. Try your best to accept her the way she is...and you won't get hurt in the process.

Answer 10

This is a very tough situation but not uncommon... You should really insist on your husband to stand up for you because this is already making you inconvenient.. You do not want your marriage to be affected by it so the ball is in your husband's court now... I would avoid arguing to in-laws if I were you because it would not do any good... Your husband should be the one talking to her with a tactful approach... I am surprised that he tells you to deal with his mom yourself. Anyways, just be nice to her and try to be closer to her as far as far as relationship is concerned.. As far as doing what she wants though, I would suggest for you to know how to stand for yourself and don't about what she thinks as long as its reasonable and tactful.....

Good luck...

Answer 11

I am a mother-in-law. I really have to be careful not to insert myself into my son and dil's life. It is their life after all. They do things that drive me crazy--but I do things that drive them crazy too. Respect is key. Your mil needs to butt out, she is too involved in her son's life--(he is a grown up mom). Make boundaries for yourself--and stick to them. Let mil know what these boundaries are and that you intend to stick to them. If you do the right thing, and she does not--it is her problem then, not yours. Take the high road.