Relationship Question/Advice?

Question

My husband is African American and I am Caucasian. We have been married going on two years and together for five. Recently we have had some difficulty with communication and there are times he says things to me that are out of line and he finds no problem with it. I was talking with a friend of mine last night and he said that my husband thinks it's ok to talk to me like that because in the African American community men treat black women that way all of the time. I disagreed, but I took what he had to say as he was trying to help me. In a nutshell he basically said b/c of our cultural differences the relationship will never work. So, my question is: How would the cultural differences in our relationship keep us from communicating effectively or keep us from spending quality time together? And the advice I need is in reference to this communication. How can I reach my husband to let him know my feelings are important to me and that they aren't stupid?

If some of you would read the post I put that I disagreed w/ what the person said to me. Secondly, I must add that I don't just "let" my husband talk to me however he wants. I have let him know in MANY different ways that I don't tolerate it. No matter how hard you try to MAKE someone change, you can't if THAT person is not willing. I DO NOT THINK it is a race issue however I was wondering what the opinions were and do not appreciate any "personal" attacks! :)

Answer 1

I don't think the fact that your husband is AA should override the fact that he can't communicate effectively. People find too many excuses and "crutches" in life now days. There are PLENTY of AA men that can sustain healthy relationships, just as there are PLENTY of white men that cannot...it comes down to respect and effort, not race.

Answer 2

the only way i know of to get through to him would be to have a serious "heart to heart" conversation... set aside a time and place for you guys to have this talk, and make a rule that no one can raise their voice and no one gets to walk out... communication is essential in a relationship, or it just won't work!! but i think you know this already... i don't think there are that many cultural differences between african americans and caucasians... honestly, maybe there are differences in how they eat or how their families are or whatever, but as far as how they treat others, especially their spouses, i believe that african american men treat their women just as good as caucasians treat their women... of course there are always a few "bad seeds" but you get the idea of where i'm going with this... i obviously disagree with your friend... and have that heart to heart!! you'll be glad you did!! you guys have been together too long to throw it all away over some stupid little lack of communication or whatever.... =) have a nice evening... and happy thanksgiving!!

Answer 3

Cultural differences seem to be a part of your relationship. You need to be sure that you understand him and what he means when he says something. And.......you need to be sure that he understands you. Race is not the issue; but most likely a caucasian and an African American are going to have different upbringings and different "takes" on life. You just need to work extra hard at communicating--but it is possible.

Answer 4

Together for five years? Forget the ethnic or race differences background. Something else is going on here. Trust your gut. Stop talking to him (see below) as you are not going to get the whole answer and then go find some quality support for yourself. A professional - who is objective to the situation and not biased. Him being black doesn't factor in....basic communication between adults is important and seperate from race.

Not entirely - just stop discussing the communication issue, etc.

Answer 5

Can't understand why after 5 years he is suddenly concerned about race. I say something else is going on here and he is using the race card as an excuse. Does it even matter if he thinks its ok to treat you badly because that's how African American men treat their 'own' women? A human being is a human being. If you can't ask him directly what is going on with him and get an honest answer, perhaps you need to move on.

Answer 6

Race has nothing to do with it I am also in a relationship with an African American and we communicate just fine. talk to him and tell him how you feel and if he doesn't treat you better it's not because you are from two diffrent cultures it's because he's a jerk and doesn't respect you. Don't let race be an issue between you other wise your relationship will not work !

Answer 7

I agree with several other posts. There is more going on. If this is just come up recently, it has nothing to do with race. Has your husband made new friends? It could be the influence of someone else that is causing him to act this way. Maybe try to ask him what has changed in your relationship to make him say these things to you now when he has not in the past. Good luck.

Answer 8

While you were dating your husband prior to marriage, he was probably treating you the same way. When women fall in love, sometimes we fail to notice the warning signs. I am an African-American woman. AFRICAN AMERICAN MALES DO NOT DISRESPECT ME IN NO SHAPE, FORM, OR FASHION because I will not allow it. Before going into this interracial marriage, you should have known that it was not going to be easy. I do not feel that it is a race issue, but I do feel that the problem is you. A male will only treat you the way that you allow them to. It pretty well seems like you have excepted his behavior since you have failed to call him on it. If you can not effectively communicate with your husband, that is YOUR fault. It has nothing to do with his race. Since you wanted that Afro-American male so bad either you deal with him, or let the next Afro-American woman deal with him.

Answer 9

have faith it or not, you 2 had a courting going the entire time and you probably did not even comprehend it. merely saying which you 2 at the instant are bf/gf shouldn't make any distinction. it isn't the titles that depend, that's the feelings between the the two certainly one of you that concerns. it rather is amazingly demanding to correctly known why issues began to get ackward and compelled. regardless of the shown fact that, you will desire to be asking your self a distinctive question. What has replaced in a month from the time you have been speaking "casually" and now which you're speaking "heavily"? have you ever 2 set regulations upon one yet another? Has the topics of conversations replaced? Has the excitement of being chased worn off? Are you 2 merely worried with regard to the predicted reunion? those are certainly one of those questions you will desire to ask your self. The solutions will enable you to in understanding what/why is making issues ackward, compelled and could enable you to to not make it ackward. it may additionally help which you will apply interior jokes, or interior tid-bits with him while chatting with him with a view to make him sense greater mushy. He may be rather worried and this may be his way of exhibiting it. on the different hand, you will possibly be worried as properly and turning out to be a wall or ackwardness as properly.

Answer 10

His talking to you that way has nothing to do with his cultural it is due to lack of respect. Ask yourself this, could you imagine him talking to his mother this way, his boss, the pastor, to anyone else he respects? If you say no, then this should tell you that he does not talk this way to others because he respects them. He does not respect you. The minute you allowed him to get away with this was the moment you set yourself up for this behaviour to be repeated over and over again. You must let in him know that in no uncertain terms is t ok for him to talk to you in any disrespectful way no matter what, and your actions must back up your words.