How do you find yourself again after your spouse has broken you?

Question

It is hard to explain everything that will make you understand...I was married for 7 years, the first few years were good. Then he became more and more controlling and for lack of a better word, stuffy. He was not getting it that there were issues growing into problems, no matter how I tried to talk to him. It finally got to the point that I was so depressed and I figured I would just be miserable the rest of my life. Well, a big fight happened and we split up which I hoped was only temporary at first. Then I came to realize that even though I loved him, we could not be happy together. I guess he did too, he filed for divorce and gave up on us. I would like your opinions on how to find the ambition to thrive in life again. There are so many things that need to be done but I just can't find the point in it. It has been almost a year and still I don't know. I am happier now than I have been so I don't understand what the problem is still. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

He has broken your self esteem. You may need counseling, but try this. Make a list of all of the good things about you, and things that you are good at. Then make a list of your faults. Take your faults one, by one, and try to improve them as much as possible. Also, build on the good qualities and talents you have. By the time you finish this, you will realize that your good qualitiies out weigh the bad. This will also give you something to do while recovering from the pain of a bad marriage.

We all feel like failures when we experience a bad marriage. That does not make us failures. We are human and we make mistakes. Just accept that, and learn from them. Once you do, you will be able to move on.

Answer 2

i agree with all the wonderful answers above. Believe me i understand the pain of divorce like death it feels so permenant. you had so many plans around this one person for the future you suddenly feel lost. Like now you can't see a future almost. This will depress you if you concentrate on what could have been. Believe me if you were both depressing each other it wouldn't have been good like your thinking. Anyways you have to redirect your focus get goals and do them change your life for the better. Believe me you have an opportunity for the best things to happen to you now you didn't have that before you just had the hope things would chang. It will get better. A yr is not a long time. you'll make it my prayers are with you.

Answer 3

I think the problem is that you are a follower and not a leader. I noticed you said that you were going to allow yourself to be miserable the rest of your life , but it was him that filed for a divorce. Why is that? I believe that these problems arise because people are unwilling to leave their comfort zone to make a change for the better. Right now until you are willing to take charge of your life you will keep feeling the way you are feeling. Get out, go do something! Meet friends, make friends, visit family, get a hobby, eat, drink and be merry, you are still alive and thats what counts! No GO, you're wasting your life already!!!!

Answer 4

Sounds like your lonely and have no one to confined in,don't you have a close friend you can talk to? When my husband left me after 16 years of marriage it was one of the hardest things i had to go through. I got through it because i had to what else was i going to do.I had to take it one day at a time no more then that. After about a year i started coming out of my shell and taking a good long hard look at myself .I then realized my part in the breakup and how judgmental i was toward people.I knew this wasn't good so I started putting myself in their place trying to see things through their eyes. My whole thinking pattern and the way i was looking at myself started changing for the better.I became more aware of people and things around me. I don't know if this is making any sense to you but i sure hope it is. Good luck and hang in there it will get better for you i promise.

Answer 5

you've been with him for seven years...of course your hurting...thats a long time don't beat yourself up anymore about how long it should take you to heal and move on...just heal right now. Sometimes if all you can do is get out of bed and force yourself to do the necessary things in life like shower, go to work, then do that and be okay with that. Look at what you are doing not what you should do or how you think you should feel. Eventually as time moves on you will notice that it does get better, and you will be able to move on once again by giving your heart to someone else....just don't try to force it. Take this time to enjoy yourself and find out who you are without him.

Answer 6

See how easy it was for him to finally file for divorce? This is mans technique... They don't let things get in the way of holding them back....

Do just that... Be strong, be happy, live your life....
We as women over think so many things.... If you truly know it is over, let your life be yours again... And take chances instead of playing it safe......

Easier said than done, maybe.... But this may be one of those times when you have to do something you don't want to, when in the end if you do it, it may turn out better than expected... You seem to have low expectations and just settle... WOMEN we should NOT settle............. No one should...

There is a fine line between settling and being happy and thriving in marriage, but at the same time being independent....

Answer 7

You have been grieving. When you marry, you become one flesh. That flesh has been torn apart by the divorce and a grieving process has to take place. Busy yourself with some thing meaningful. Do things for others not expecting anything in return.

Answer 8

divorce is, in many ways, like a death....there is a greiving process. You are merely going through that process...but you are nearing the end......just put one foot in front of the other, look for the good/positives in your life, and someday soon you will be wondering why you ever worried at all.