why cant I stop thinking about this?

Question

My guy cheated on me, a year ago. We worked through it.
I know hes not cheating anymore , he is completely open with me in every way.
We recently moved in together ( after dating for 2 years). We are both divorced this is our second relationship.
Since I moved in I cannot stop thinking about him cheating???? It was over I had moved on, I hadnt thought about it in months, and I have NO reason too.
I just cant stop thinking about it. I dont know why? Could it be that I have moved so far to be with him? All the changes?

Answer 1

Moving is quite stressful as is any change of environment, and most of us tend to blame our relationships when we feel threatened, insecure or just even down. They seem an easy target for any unhappiness in our lives.

And I'm sorry to those who don't share my opinion, but I'm 49 years old and "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is nothing but fear and prejudice and judgment talking.

I worked counseling couples for some time and mature, loving people do recover. People do change and the reasons for "cheating" are so varied, as are the people doing it that it is unfair and uninformed to think this is some kind of rule.

Try not to make him pay for your current feelings, if you can help it. If he has changed as you say you believe, then do give it some time. I think it's perfectly natural for you to have fears at a time when things are in flux, but you did go thru so much, and came out on the other side to do anything rash when he hasn't prompted your anxiety.

Do talk with him about it, but don't blame him for how you feel. Just ask him to help and the extra reassurance is something that could buy you the time to make the adjustment.

You know, often old wounds open when the feelings are replicated in a new situation. A rape survivor might feel threatened on an interstate exit ramp or in a grocery store line simply because she or he feels trapped. This does not signal some new phobia nor a real threat. It's simply a leftover trigger of old trauma.

So, I hope that hearing it's pretty common might help you a little and he may need you now more as well. Helping each other adapt to the new situation is part of your relationship and why you are there to begin with. Take it to him, gently, but do.

If the feelings last too long or cause you to think of making a change, get some help, but I honestly think time will move you along.

Gentle thoughts...

Answer 2

I think it's because when you moved in with him you realized alot more about him probably just a few things you don't like and didn't expect maybe. Or it could be the fact you did a big sacrifice and now your worried because you don't want it to end like before. If you hadn't been in a previous relationship you might not even think about it and get blindly fooled. I hate to be negative but trust your instincts this man may not be good either. I don't know the whole case but forgive me if i sound harsh I do think it was wrong you took him back after cheating. Once a cheat always a cheat i learned that the hard way. So i will never put up with that again. I hope he didn't give you a lame excuse because you weren't together either distance isn't a reason it's just something weak people use to make you feel bad for their mistakes. Godbless you.

Answer 3

My guy moved from across the country to be with me, he left his job of 23 years, his family, his friends, it was a pretty big adventure to move away from everything he knew, he was excited about getting here and moving in but after only a couple of weeks the worry set in, he was worried about not being able to get a job and how soon he'd be able to see his family again and even the smaller things like finding himself driving on a road he was unfamilar with. These were his worries among others without a cheating factor. My guy has been here for 5 years now (has a job, visits his family, finds his way home fine). I think it's normal to mull over the pros and cons about such a huge lifestyle change, I also dont believe in the "once a cheater always a cheater", some do some dont.

Answer 4

OK if I hear once a cheat always a cheat again Im going to need some bi-carb. Yes, if you cheat once you are likely to do it again, but if your willing to open up completely and do what it takes it is possible to stop. Ever notice when its a man who cheats we always hear that, but when its a woman noone types it. It's wrong if either one does it.

Did you get a logical, rational reason why he cheated? I am by no means excusing him, but a lot of times it helps with closure if you know the whole story. If it was only a year ago, it might be a little too early to expect to totally forget, which you may never do anyway. If he keeps up the openness just relax.

Answer 5

Maybe he has changed and is not cheating anymore, but that doesn't mean you are over it, and once the trust is gone, I believe it's GONE and there isn't any getting it back. What people don't realize is that it takes two to make a relationship. You can become unhappy and want out too you know, and maybe that's what's happening. Just remember, you have a life and you control your own future, do whats right for you. Everyone knows the right thing to do, but very few actually do it, they just think about it or try and have the best of both worlds by cheating. Be one of those that does the right thing, not just think about it. Either leave or stay, but make the choice YOUR choice, not his.

Answer 6

what you are doing is obsessive thinking on some level you are looking for an excuse to hurt yourself or keep your partner at a distance

forgiveness is an inside job Have you forgiven yourself for things or mistakes you have made in your life

i have made the mistake and cheated on my husband

I am so sorry i have no desire to cheat on my husband again so i do nt believe in the throry of once a cheater always a cheater my mistake made me realise what a great husband i have it happen because of issues in my own life not because i did not love my husband

you are living you life 12 months ago live today enjoy now know you are worth loving do not give that person the power

Answer 7

once upon a time there was this guy who was so amazing to me, he might as well have been an angel who fell straight from the sky - an angel with a five inch tall mohawk and a great smile sent to make me laugh, teach me to loosen up, and let me know that i am loved....i was only able to be with him for a short time, then he joined the army and i never even got to say goodbye :( i think about him every day and hope that he's okay but i know he probably is okay, because after all he is an angel...

Answer 8

it could be, if it was a bad situation, you are going to need a lot of time to be ok with him. Its normal. i was in the same situation, when our son was 7 months, his father moved in with this girl, was engaged to her and married her, all without telling me, and still keeping a relationship with me. it was the hardest thing i have ever gone through. He have been together a total of 4 years, 2 of those years he was with her, and then the last year and a half we have been together, at first i could not let anything go, any little thing he did, text, had a phone call, left the house, i would flip out. He actually said that he would tell me where he was going, with who, and he would show me anything in his phone i wanted to see, and he would also give me the passwords to anything he had, he was determined to prove he was done with the cheating. It took a long time for me to trust him, but eventually it happened. It also took some going to counceling for me personally, I talked about everything and got comfortable with myself and confident, and that also helped. If you keep feeling like this try going to see a therapist, that is someone you can really tell everything you are feeling, and they will try to help and give you advice, and they may even be able to tel you why you are feeling this way. good luck hun!! if you really want this man, work on yourself first, and if he honesly changed, then it will all work out.

Answer 9

Absolutely!!! this is a fear of yours. you took a big step in making this work and you sacrificed a hell of a lot by moving away from your comfortable zone. If he cheats again....you may think you are stuck now....but you aren't. Just keep telling yourself you can handle what ever life throws at you, and you will do just fine. Give the relationship your all so in the long run you will have no regrets....NONE

Answer 10

Anything can strike what your feeling, it could be the fear of him cheating again, although you say you trust him, or it could also be the lenghs you have gone to, to be with him.
Best thing to do is relax take a breather and figure out what your feeling, once pin pointed, go on from there...
Hopefully i was a bit of help, Have a Merry Christmas