to commit..My sister is having problems like they;ve talked about marriage and he said he wants to marry her,gave her a promise ring. Well she wants to get married soon because Her grandpa is sick and she'd like him to be there but He said "I love you, but no. I don't understand why your gpa passing is a good reason to get married. I don't know if i'm ready to commit."
How can someone say they aren't ready commit when they've been in a long term relationship for 5 yrs? Like is seems like a lie everything he told her and she's confused and doesnt know what to do.
What would you do in this situation? Any advice i can give her?
I told her only she can choose what to do and ill be here for her no matter what and she can talk to me any time
2007-11-18 16:49:24 · 21 answers · asked by Rayray 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i was like 5 yrs is a long time and he says he's not ready to commit he's already committed.. they have lived together for 5 yrs too.
2007-11-18 16:57:31 · update #1
they both turn 21 in 08
2007-11-18 16:58:26 · update #2
they've talked about marriage and she bought him an engagement ring last year i believe.. They live together and they have been taking care of each other for 5 yrs.
They were talking about marriage a year ago cause her grandparents said they'd through the reception and they could get married in the back yard and her grandpa could marry them if she wanted.. and he thought it was cool but now it's like he's not interested and she feels like it was all a lie...
2007-11-18 17:02:31 · update #3
she's wanted to get married before news about her grandpa and she told him she'd just like to do it with the people that mean so much to her cause she'd be his first grandkid he gets to see get married..
2007-11-18 17:05:36 · update #4
she's been so sad and down like crying trying to think everything out and it sucks cause she's sleeping or working.. and i dont live by her anymore so we only can talk online. I've known him before they started dating and he's changed a lot mainly this yr and i think he's completely changed and i told her to think all of it through before making a choice..
They have a lease til June so if she leaves it'd be after that is up
2007-11-18 17:09:02 · update #5
Thanks everyone i talked to her and she said she cant leave cause finances and stuff but she said tonight she's gonna sit down with him and talk it all out and see how he feels and tell him how she feels
2007-11-18 17:14:42 · update #6
yes they dated through high school and even had a break to date other people but then got back together
2007-11-18 17:55:54 · update #7
Postscript: You've added a great deal more information since your original query, so I will add the following: The fact that your sis & her bf are barely adults changes things a great deal. It is likely that they've been in one of those relationships where childhood meets adolescent insecurity, and one sort of gloms onto somebody else for awhile, a fleshy, sexualized teddy bear, in a manner of speaking. Sometimes these are same-gender (nonsexual) pairings, and sometimes they are romantic couplings, as in the case of your sister and her bf.
Your sis's bf's saying "I'm not ready to commit" is probably due to the fact that as he gets older, he is discovering a greater world out there, and he has the notion that he'd like to explore it some. And this isn't merely a matter of taste; it is good for his and your sis's maturation into adulthood to learn independent social and life skills.
So that is the crux, I think, of his unsurety, that he certainly likes your sister, but realizes that there are other things to do, some important. He probably only has an inkling of what they are at his age, and so cannot express them in any detail (whereas I can go on forever about almost nothing).
With this new information, I think your sister should start saving money, and ready herself to live on her own, or at least without the bf. It is possible, eventually, that they will both decide to be together, to marry. But this is a decision they should make after they have both learned more about how they relate to life and to other people, on their own.
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My opinions are these:
Your sister is in the wrong for wanting to get married soon for the sake of a relative. The marriage should be done by the mutual and sole decision of the people getting married. This is a marriage, not a race with the grim reaper.
Which takes us to her bf saying he's not ready. Five years is a long time to be put on indefinite hold. By now, he should be able to give her some specific reason why he is not ready. If he cannot, then your sister must decide on her own what she will do. One idea is that she give him a certain amount of time to make up his mind (say 4 months), and if he cannot settle on a marriage date, then she leave. It is very possible that "I'm not ready to commit," after 5 years, means "I don't want to commit. And why should I, since I have you anyway?"
2007-11-18 17:00:21 · answer #1 · answered by chuck 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I hope I can help you with this. Me and my girlfriend have been together now for a little over 5 1/2 years. I am 23 and she is 21. I work 2 jobs and she works 2 jobs, and also is a full time student in college. We are usually together 3 or 4 times a week, and we try our best to spend as much time as possible together, but it is tough sometimes.
We have been talking about marriage for a long time, but recently we have both become so busy that we both think it would be best if we waited a few years until she is done school and we both reach the goals we want to receive in our careers. Neither one of us would be giving the other 100% commitment if we were to just decide to get married now.
I can also see where your sister is coming from where you have a sick family member and wish they will be there the day they decide to get married. This has been a major concern in my relationship also, as I have parents that are in not-so-good health and the same for my girlfriend's parents, but we both have agreed that as much as we want them to be apart of our wedding, it is not really a good reason to base when we get married on things like that.
2007-11-18 17:00:27 · answer #2 · answered by kingphil13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her to face the truth. Anyone that doesn't commit way before five years is very happy with the relationship just as it is. He will never commit. She is better to stop wasting her time-and eventually they will break up if she sticks with him-and go find someone who has the same wants and needs. Time goes by very quickly and she is settling for less than she wants. When you get to a point in a relationship and it progresses no further, then you have to decide if that is what you want. If it is not, then you have to move on. It's pretty simple and she knows the truth but probably cares. She has to realize he does not care ENOUGH. Been there, done that. I didn't realize until I got rid of him how unhappy I was with the entire relationship. I actually felt some relief when I started dating other people and starting laughing and having fun with no disappointment. And then finally I met someone that really cared. Never settle for less than you deserve.
2007-11-18 16:59:02 · answer #3 · answered by towanda 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When a couple is dating for that long people normally expect for marriage to be the next thing. The # of years they've been together is not a reason to get married & he told her straight out that he is not ready. Your sister cannot pressure him. If marriage is important to your sister at this time of her life, sadly, she would have to find someone else. Or stay with this guy for another 5 years? Maybe then he'll commit? Does she really want to hope and wait like that?
2007-11-18 16:58:51 · answer #4 · answered by jognmiles 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he says he's not ready to commit then she needs to really think about what she wants in life. Does she value marriage and wants to get married to someone someday? or does she want to be a girlfriend her entire life but still get to be with him. Basically is she happy with him without marriage now? Why is it important for the grandpa? does she feel insecure because she's not married yet? like she's not good enough in her gpa's eyes? or is it an excuse for her to tye the not and have a different reason other than I love you lets do this now? She deserves to be a wife to someone who will love cherish and respect her. I would tell her if being a wife means that much to her then he should respect her feelings and either do it or stop stringing her along.
2007-11-18 16:59:15 · answer #5 · answered by just bored 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe He Has Commitment Problems..Or He's Not Ready To Take Care Of Everything To Take CARE Of A Marriage And A Wife. It's Him, Not Her. Make Sure Your Sister Knows That.
2007-11-18 16:54:30 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
he probably feels like he is being rushed into it, just b/c her grandpa is sick. I know that she wants him to be there when she get married but it isn't something you can just decide. even if you had talked about it, the actual reality of it is a LONG process, emotionally, financially, and physically. I understand where he is coming from completely I would feel really pushed into things, I am sure he loves her and really means it but isn't ready to get married like NOW, plus it also takes a lot of his part out of it because she just has a promise ring not a REAL engagement ring, so you are kinda skipping the whole engagement process, which is a great time to grow and learn about your relationship with that person an about each other. Good luck!
2007-11-18 16:54:49 · answer #7 · answered by Smile 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If he still cannot commit after five years, he likely will never commit- he enjoys the convenience of having someone by him, all the benefits of a marriage without actually being married. She should give him a timeframe of lets say 6 months to make up his mind, and if after that he's still not ready, it's time to look for a new boyfriend. As the saying goes: "**** or get off the pot, someone else might want to use it."
2007-11-18 16:55:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is a big difference (in my opinion) between being in a long term relationship and getting married. Marriage comes with a lot of "issues" one could say. In a long term relationship things like finances etc don't really matter they do in marriage. It can be intimidating to make those promises. Personally I feel there is a lot more at risk once you say I do. It doesn't mean he loves her any less.
2007-11-18 16:54:37 · answer #9 · answered by ash 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are right. Only she can decide what to do , but if he is not ready to commit after 5 years I think he has grown to comfortable with the way things are.
I don;t know all the details, but if they are living together he has ll the benefits of marriage, but none of the responsibilities.
Maybe he is just scared, but it's time to make a commitment or move on.
2007-11-18 16:54:24 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋