He was abusive and disrespectful to me, so why do I feel guilty?

Question

I filed a restraining order against my now ex for punching me. The police made him leave, per my request. He is now homeless, but he should have thought about that before he put his hands on me. Abuse is not ok, one time leads to multiple times - sometimes death. I don't want my guilt to allow him back in my home. (yes, my home not ours - we were about to buy a home together.) My intent is not to "bring him down" - but there are laws and he needs to understand that he can not punch someone no matter how angry he is. Now I have to go to court to make the restraining order permanent. Do I trust that he will just leave me alone and keep it temporary and allow him to get on with his life or do I make it permanent and get on with my life.

Answer 1

No. its his fault. physical abuse also comes with mentel abuse, he has you in a mind set that you are always wrong, and everything is your fault. He needs to learn how to get himself together.

Answer 2

I think you did the right thing. If you would have let him back then that would have only gave him the idea that you were the type of person that would allow such behavior. I assume he's a grown man, so he needs to pick up his own self and take responsibility for his actions. Continue with the retraining order and try to steer clear of him until he gets his act together. Being homeless, he might feel like he has nothing to lose which can be dangerous. So be careful.

Answer 3

Make it permanent and get on with your life. He will not change. Don't look back. Do something nice for yourself and forget him. Don't get involved with anyone new for a while because you might end up with someone just like him. Sometimes it's hard to break a cycle. Just focus on healing from this chaotic relationship. Give yourself some time to grieve for what you have lost. But then, move forward. I hope the very best for you. Be strong!!!! You are capable, you know in your heart what is the right thing to do. Be brave enough to follow your heart.

Answer 4

I suppose it is natural to feel a bit of guilt as you both wouldnt have been together if you didnt care for him before this happened. BUT - you are totally right not to tolerate his hitting you - full stop. I would go for a permanent restraining order, it wont stop him from going on with his life, and it will give you assistance if you have trouble in future.

Answer 5

Make it permanet. You never know what he might do if he gets angry. You need to protect yourself. I was in an abusive relationship and felt guilty too. Be glad you got out before it was too late and you ended up in the hospital or had kids together. Make it permanent and be done. It will be hard but you have to let him go. People make choices and there are concequences. Remember you deserve better and are worth it. Get support from family and friends. I'm saying a prayer for you right now. Dear God please protect her, keep her strong, keep her safe. Amen

Answer 6

If you think he'll come 'round and give you trouble, make it permanent.

As to guilt...well, there must be something likeable about this guy or you never would have gotten involved with him in the first place. That's probably the part of him you feel sorry for. Unfortunately, if you were to take that part in, you get the whole package with it, and you know you don't want or deserve that kind of nonsense.

Answer 7

Make it permanent and move on. I say this from my own experience. Your guilt is natural because you don't want to seem like a bad person. For those of us who have been an abusive relationship we know what you're talking about! It is hard to exaplain it, but again from experience, you have to ignore it and move on. I won't say that was easy, but the more you can put behind you from this experience, the easier it will be to start to love yourself and make wonderful choices for YOUR life. Stay safe. You are loved and are a strong woman!

Answer 8

NO GUY has the right to hit any woman you did the right thing DO NOT back down stay strong. If he did it once he will do it again. You deserve better. You go to court and do what you have to do, he needs help and this will help him get it.
If you let him off the hook he will only do it to the woman in his life. . Stay strong!!! He could of hurt you bad. You don't hit anyone. Good luck to you

Answer 9

MAKE IT PERMANENT!!!!!!! please??? A guy who hits once will repeat his offense maybe not for a long time but he will !!!! Trust me!!! I felt guilt and let an abuser come back but it wasnt me he ended up striking it was my 4 year old son and he broke 2 of his ribs!!! all because my biy wanted to watch cartoons and asked twice after he told him no!!!! Now i do feel guilt and will never forgive myself that I let such a person into my babies lives!!!!! Once an abuser always an abuser!!!!!! Don't forget that.

Answer 10

PrettyNP, DEFINITELY MAKE IT PERMANENT!!! I applaud you. A lot of girls would have let the "scum" (I'm being extremely kind although I have some pretty choice words) back into YOUR home. I don't know where guys get off on that kinda sh*t, but IT'S UNACCEPTABLE!!! Stick to your guns by making it permanent and get on with your life. GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 11

I think its because it man you once had love for and you cared about. Its not easy loving someone and then like automatically fall out of love. Even though you may not be in love with him any more you still have some type of feeling for him, and in this case it seems like you still feel like you should care for him. But like you said, he should of thought about that before he hit you. If he cared about you as much as you did for him he would have never treated you the way you did. Now its his turn to feel the pain and suffrage what you have on through. Karma will always come to get you, what comes around goes around.