I need your oppinion on this story? (Written by a 12 year old girl..)?

Question

OKAY I AM NOT VERY GOOD AND I HAVE NOT BEEN WRITING FOR VERY LONG BUT I REALLY LOVE IT AND I JUST NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANY CHANCE OF ME BECOMING A WRITER?
It was raining. The swift wind blew briskly through the whispering tree tops. Ashlyn Kramer was a twelve year old girl. She stared thoughtfully out the drop-covered window, thinking intently about what she would do to keep herself from breaking down. One glistening tear dripped it's way down the side of her cheek. She was terrified at the thought that she would never see her father again; and she felt she may have done something to cause it. Ashlyn heard the door creak open. Tiny footsteps made their way into the room, standing by the bench where she was sitting; no longer alone. It was her little sister, Melody. She was only four years old and almost oblivious of the current tragedy. "Ashlyn", Melody asked in an almost whispered tone. Ashlyn could tell by her little sister's tone that she was about to ask a painful or uncomfortable question. "What is it", Ashlyn replied in an even-toned voice. "Will we..." She started again. "Will we ever see daddy again?" "I think so... someday.", Ashlyn replied in a hurt voice.
Silence.
"In Heaven, right?" Melody asked worriedly.
"Of course Melody." Ashlyn said finaly looking away from the window. That was Ashlyn's response; but she wasn't even quite sure herself of what she thought of that sort of thing. But of course she wouldn't want to worry or confuse her sister more than she already was. A flash of lightning was visble outside the window. It sent streaks of light shooting throughout the dark and nearly empty room. Ashlyn then saw that tears were gushing from her sister's eyes. She reached out and gave her a gentle hug. And there they both sat, on a bench in the cold, dark room. Gazing at the gloomy window and out into the night sky; sadly thinking about there father's sad and sudden death- but at least they had each other. A few moments later, they were both fast asleep.

It was early in the morning. Ashlyn awoke from her tormented sleep. She had the most horrible dream during the night... ~ It was late afternoon and the sky that surrounded her was clear and blue. She found herself on the shore of a beautiful ocean with soft, white, sand all around. There she was. She heard someone coming up behind her. She turned around and saw her father, walking slowly with an angelic, glowing light around him. He was somewhat far away, but he was coming closer and closer; and there she stood waiting for him to reach her. When he finally arrived at the place where Ashlyn was standing, he reached out his arms. When all of a sudden, the light around him expanded, getting brighter and brighter and he came closer. He was slipping away into the blinding light. Ashlyn attempted to reach out and grab his out-stretched arm but she was motionless. Paralyzed, she could not move. A deep sadness and fear was thrust upon her, but she could not show expression. She was afraid tha

The water was now up to the top of her neck. She would soon be completely underwater; unable to breathe. She saw her entire life flash before her eyes. All was dark for a short moment; until she realized she was dreaming. ~

Ashlyn sat up in bed and thought about her dream for along time. It seemed to be haunting her. What did the dream mean? Was she really the cause of her father's death? Or was it just her mind playing tricks on her? She didn't understand. Eventually Melody also woke. For a few minutes she simply sat up and stared into blind space. She was trying to piece together why she had waken up on a bench in the guest room. But soon enough, it all came back to her and she began to cry, this time rather loudly. A few moments later the door swung open and their mother came rushing in. "What's wrong Melody?", she asked in a frightened voice. No answer. So her mom sat down on the bench and held Melody in her arms; gently swaying side to side. Melody cried until it seemed the

"I miss daddy." she said in one, sorrowful breath. "We all do, dear. I am so sorry. I would give anything in this world for you girls to have your father back", the girl's mother replied softly.
Silence.
"Well, I ought to go make you girls some breakfast, hmm?" Melody nodded, but still not a sound or movement from Ashlyn. She was still thinking about her dream when her mother walked out of the quiet room. She was just so puzzled by it. She wanted to tell someone about it, but her sister was too young, and her mother just wouldn't want to hear a disturbing dream such as that one. Especially since their father had died only days before. Although, it was quite evident that her mother was already trying to put the situation behind her. Ashlyn wondered of her mother was in as much pain as her sister ans she. Most likely not. After all, Ahlyen had spent every evening with her loving father, listening to him tell her stories about the old days. Just happy he was there; while her mother

READ THIS FIRST:
YOU DONT HAVETO READ THIS ALL IF YOU DONT WANT TO!!! JUST COMMENT ON TH BEGGINING IF YOU WANT> IF YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE ILL EMAIL YOU THE REST, JUST LET ME KNOW! :D

Answer 1

good

Answer 2

It is very nice. Good flow of words which bind together. You have a very good potential writer's future. If you delivered this as an essay for an English exam you would have received good marks, even in a higher grade. Don't forget that writers need good spelling and grammar. You could also consider becoming an editor. That is someone who corrects other people's writings and give advice.
Keep it up.

Answer 3

You want to know if you can be a writer.. of course you can. You already are ... whether anyone wants to publish your works remains to be seen. I love that you can spell mostly. That is rare as hen's teeth. One place was a slight error of spelling. You said "there father" when you meant "their father". It is a common enough error. In case it is one of the words that tends to stumble you more often think in terms of over here... a place... and over there... also a place; the here being common to both. So when you want the possessive case you need to use THEIR instead. Hope this helps you.

Best wishes with your writing.

Try submitting your short essay to a magazine. See if they will publish and pay you for your effort.

Cheers

Lisa

Answer 4

this seems like it could be a really good story i could see everything in my head i read it to the end and i would love to hear more. Keep in mind while big words and descriptive details are of key importance you do not want to overdo it. I would love for you to email me this as you kee going i remember this story when it wa started now you have edited and made it a whole lot better. keep it up

Answer 5

Thats REALLY good! Thats they way i write. Some pointers r, dont use "all of a sudden" Use "suddenly" or somethin. And u also said, "... wen she realized she was dreaming." U said before u told the dream that it was a dream. U could say at the end, "wen she woke wth a violent jolt." U could just not tell us that its a dream at first if u wanna use, "... wen she realized she was dreaming." Ur a really good writer! If u want anymore pointers, or if u wanna giv me some pointers, email me! =D

Answer 6

Its very good. I suggest giving it to your Launguage Arts teacher, as she might be able to give you more in depth advice. A few problems that popped out at me are the fact that Melody's vocabulary for a four year old is very developed. The story also jumps around in places. Other than that its a great story. I hope that you continue to write in the future!

Answer 7

I do believe you are talented and because you love to
write with passion, you will do well in the future.
keep it up.I found your storyline to have chance of becoming
more and more interesting and exciting.
Then, comes the finish,this will tie it all together.
Are you in a Creative writing class,you write and express
very well.I feel I can see a story unfolding,colorful right
before my eyes as you write in vivid description.

Answer 8

there were a few lines or words missing, i do hope there is an addition to this enlightened story. i was most fascinated to picture the scenary which u described! keep up the good work, not bad for a twelve yr old.

Answer 9

absolutely a 10 on the 10 scale .....be proud of yourself,.....you have expressed great skill in the making at only 12 or 13 yrs........just keep polishing your skill and watch it gleam and shine !! and yes maybe even outshine some ,if you know what I mean. ps just keep us posted as time goes on here at ANSWERS. GOOD JOB !!!

Answer 10

That's absolutely excellent for your age. Your spelling and grammar is excellent, too. Keep practicing, you're already better at writing than a lot of people ever are.

Answer 11

I only read the first part, but from what I read, I liked it. It painted a emotionally detailed picture of grief and fore coming resilience. Nicely written.