If I stay with my husband after he physically hurts me one time, am I stupid?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and we argue as most couples do. We have been throwing around the idea of a divorce for a couple months now, but not acting on it. During a very heated argument, I got right in his face and he grabbed me around the throat and choked me hard enough that I couldn't breathe.
This is the first time he's gotten physical with me but I called the police and had him removed immediately. I have court tomorrow for an order of protection despite that, we have talked a few times. I don't fear that he's gonna kill me or anything, at least not unprovoked. I know that I don't want him living here for now and he has no place to stay. I also have no one to watch the kids while I'm at work. Since he's been gone, we've both realized that we want it to work out and we want counseling.
Am I just being an abused woman? I'm looking for outside advice from people who don't know me because, of course, my friends and family think I should leave him.
Please help

Answer 1

If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. No one has the right to get physical with you whether provoked or unprovoked. I'm sure Lacey Peterson didn't think her husband would kill her either.
Not to mention that since you're family knows enough of what's going on to tell you to leave him, he will never be welcome around them again, therefore putting even more strain on your relationship.
Leave him and move on. You should do it now and be thankful you've only invested 9 years and not 19 years. Life's too short to be scared to be around your husband for fear of physical abuse. I'm sure at this point it's emotional abuse as well.
Go to counseling on your own, for yourself and make a fresh start.
Good luck.

Answer 2

You got in a fight, you got in each others face. The only reason you're asking this question is because you didn't choke him first. Nine years is a long time, does he hate you? If he hates you than you should get out of the relationship, because he might kill you. Do you hate him? Because you're female; you're less likely to choke him to death but you might slip something into his coffee. Get over the idea that you're an abused woman, if that means, you're only abused because society and the rest of the chimps that answered this question say so. We are animals and can only be pushed so far. Women lie so much, that they sincerely don't even know the're doing it. It's because a boy hit a girl, that's what everyone see's here, they would not even question you, because you are female. I've got a question for you. What exactly does "I got right in his face" mean? You don't sound like an idiot, you sound confused. You already know the answer to your question, you're just looking for society to reinforce it. Or to falsely justify something that happened, which was really bad. The fact that you're both trying to work it out after violence says alot I think, I think counceling is a great idea, you both must be strong people to get over something so ugly. If this guy is generally good, he will probably feel really crappy about what happened for a very long time. Have you ever beaten an animal because you thought it was pathetic? Well I have, it's addictive, especially if you were beaten because you were pathetic. You don't sound pathetic, I think you'd be ok giving it another try. The real danger is when a guy thinks you're weak, and has a history of abuse or a brain impairment. I met a girl once who had been abused by men, so now she has a neurosis, where she looks for abuse by superimpossing her abusers on every guy she see's. I started dating this girl and after about three days I wanted to beat her senseless, I've never felt that way about a woman that I was with. I threw her out of my room and told her to never come back to avoid killing her. Sorry, mommy denied me the titty.

Answer 3

My first marriage was very abusive!!! Physically, emotionally and mentally. I stayed think that he would change. I called the cops on him twice. He was charged 2 times. that didnt work. He also got up the balls to hold a 12 gauge to my head. It never got better it got worse. I didnt have anywhere to go and finacially could not do it either. I have three kids as well. I made him leave. It was the best thing I could do for me and the boys. You are doing and injustice to you and the kids. It WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you dont leave you will have no self esteem left. I was 24 when I left him I am now 27. It was the best thing. Call the sheriff's dept and see if they have any shelters or a place called RAVE Relief after violent encounters. You need to talk to someone. I am a gutsy person by nature and I didnt need that. But i will tell you I lost friends because of him and my dignity and self respect and the respect of others because I stayed. You CANNOT fix him. It is not you it is him. He needs an anger management counselor. You dont want your kids to think that this is how a marriage is supposed to be like do you. You dont want your daughters to be victimized wwhen they are adults do you or your sons to be victimizers gete out quickly

Answer 4

So, you want to leave your children alone with a guy who choked you to the point that you couldn't breathe? I think you already know the answer. You need to take any measures to keep this person away from you and your children. You are displaying the classic symptoms of taking the blame. I got right in his face, and "I don't fear that he's gonna kill me or anything, at least not unprovoked!" What you're really saying is "It's my fault, after all, I got in his face and provoked him." Which is crap. You have friends and family (you mentioned that in your question), talk to them about finding someone to help with the kids, but do not bring this guy back in for another round. This is classic. It's not your fault he has no place to stay, and it sounds like he has convinced you to try to work it out by placing the blame in your head. Not good.

Answer 5

I think you know the answer to this question. You have thrown around the idea of divorce, you have heated arguments and you have kids. I would be worried about the example you are setting for your children. I am a divorced mom and it was extreamly scary to leave. I simply did not know how I was going to make it work. I made the decision for my kids to leave and not look back. There is NEVER any excuse great enough to let your husband come back after physically hurting you. You were strong to call the police, you were strong to throw him out and YOU WILL REMAIN STRONG following through with court tomorrow. It is not your problem he has no place to stay. HE HURT YOU.

File for divorce, seek child support and move on. Your children will thank you.

Answer 6

I am a very forgiving person, probably to a fault, so when I was reading that during one heated argument he lost control and harmed you I figured well sometimes **** just happens. However the fact that the incident was grabbing your throat and trying to choke you bothers me. Thats not really a jerk reaction, thats looking someone in the face and watching them unable to breath. You two need to have a serious and calm conversation about this, if you do choose to stay with him and try to make it work please suggest some type of anger management. If he refuses to do something like that then he isn't seeing what was so wrong with what he did the first time and you need to get out.

On a side note, your children will be much happier with two happy divorced parents and two miserable married ones.

Answer 7

I have been married 9 yrs with only 1 HUGE fight he slapped and I slapped him back. but then he regretted so bad, I of course gave him a lesson and separated for a little while. he has NOT touched me since. that was 4yrs ago and we've gotten into arguments like every human being but it has NEVER gotten physical again. what am trying to tell you is that you know your husband more than anyone here and if deep down inside you feel he will never do it again then it's worth saving the marriage. If i would've listen to ppl I would have lost a good man that made a huge mistake. no one is perfect!!! now, if it happens again then YES you MUST leave!!!GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 8

OK, this happened one time? If you are both serious about this, then he should be willing to stay separated long enough to go to a class dealing with domestic abuse. They are offered all over the place for men who want to understand this issue and may have committed it themselves.
He crossed a line, don't let that go by without addressing it.
Once a line is crossed, it's easier to do it again. The fear he will cross it will come up every time you have an argument.

Answer 9

Honey ..... please leave him, if you stay your only giving him permission to get violent again....trust me I know. whether he was prevoked or not he has no right what so ever to lay a hand on you in anyway wrong. He will say his sorry a thousand times and your heart may believe him but nothing can be far from the truth. Get your family to help look after the kids whilst your at work dont us ethis as an excuse to take him back. Once bitten twice shy, he could get worse next time instead of just choking you he may put his fist in your face and leave you all bruised up...mentally , physically and emotionalluy and these scars my dear never disappear....please if you want to chat IM me or email me ok.

Answer 10

Um.. unprovoked? You are not at fault for his grabbing you by the throat and trying to squeeze your life away. A fight does not mean death. You should fear him. Look at what you wrote. He tried to kill you in uncontrolled anger. What aboyt next time ( there is almost ALWAYS the next time ) ?

You allow this person to watch your children? YOU might be nuts and your children need protection from the two of you.

Weirdos.