What do you do when you just found out your 14 year old son is sexually active?

Question

My son and I just got home from his therapist appointment and he told her (and asked her to tell me) that he and his girlfriend (she is 15) had sex. Just once, a month ago, at the beach during a group bonfire party. They snuck off when no one was looking.

So I didn't flip out and had the talk about birth control, STD's and pregnancy. I am at a loss as to what to do now. My husband (his step-father) and I both work. I get home about 2 hours after my son gets home from school. It isn't like he runs wild, I know where he is almost all the time.

They (my son and his gf) go to different schools and only see each other 1 - 2 times a week.

The girls mom called me last Friday and wants to have a "mother to mother" talk with me next weekend. I guess she knew before I did. What do I do? Do I provide condoms? I don't want to condone the sex but not sure how I can stop them. Do I ask the girls mom to make sure she goes on the pill or gets the shot? I don't want to be a grandma this early.

Additional information: The girl is older than him by 1 year (she is a freshman in high school - he is 8th grade), there was no force involved and he is in therapy for depression and some mild learning disabilities which are causing problems at school. He is also working through some anger issues from his father (my ex-husband) abandoning him.
They have been dating on and off for the last year. She broke up with him last time because her group of friends said he wasn't "cool" enough for her so this was a huge shock to me since I thought they were in an "off" period of the on off thing.

Answer 1

I think you're doing the right thing by not flipping - you've had the birds and bees talk, so the next best thing would be to support him and encourage him to do it safe.

If I was you, I would provide condoms - at least you know you're doing what you can to prevent having a grandchild - and helping him develop safe sexual practices.

Telling your son and his girlfriend not to do it, would trigger them to do it behind your back, and I think that this would be more risky.....

Maybe speak to the GIRL about going on the pill - but other than providing condoms, just say that you want him to feel comfortable talking to you about it if he has any concerns or needs anything..

Goodluck,

Answer 2

As a teenager, i can telll you that no amount of telling your son not to have sex will have any effect on him except him wanting to do it more. Although you dont condone it, clearly your son would already know that, and he chose to do it anyways. Make sure he knows the importance of condoms and if he cant afford them, give him money or provide some because not having condoms doesnt stop kids and it's much better to be safe. Kids are having sex at much younger ages these days and although 14 is very young, there isnt alot you can do now that it has happened. getting him involved in some kind of after school activity would be good so you can make sure he's not with her all the time after school. You could also encourage the other mom to put her girl on birth control of some kind to make it even more safe. your son has to find out for himeslf the relationship effects that early sex can have and you just have to try and be supportive

Answer 3

my mom always provided condoms. we knew since we were about 13 years old each where they were. She said by supplying them she wasnt giving us permission but if we did decide to be intimate with someone, she wanted us to be safe. Because of this, I found it easy to tell my mom i was sexually active at age 15 and asked that she take me in for birth control. I did end up pregnant at 18, but im married also and my husband is in the USAF. so all is well. :) im currently 19 and going to college also and living on my own with my now 3 week old daughter and my husband. There is no way to prevent them from having sex, they're going to do it whether you want them to or not, the best thing you can do now, is be there if they need to talk and help them at least be protected. good luck

Answer 4

Wow, I really respect you. I mean, my mom told me the same thing, I'm not sexually active, but she said if I ever feel like I'm going to be I need to warn her so she can get me on the pill. She's not really letting me become sexually active, but there's nothing you can do when your son/daughter already is.
Anyways that being sad, I think you should talk with her mother and make sure she's on the pill and has had her HIV Cervical Cancer shot, I had mine last month and I'm getting my second one in December.
As for your son, just make sure he's using condoms..And maybe get him tested. It would be pretty horrible if he had STDs!

Answer 5

You definetly should not tell the girls mother what to do... you may ask her how she feels about birth control but you need to talk to your son about it. Make sure he uses condoms and tell him why it is important. I am not a fan of the abstinance talk because thats what I was raised with and it did not deter me nor any of my friends from having sex. What I wish my parents/school would have done instead of teaching abstinence is taught us safe sex and why it is important.

Unless your kid listens to everry thing you have ever told him he will most likely not stop having sex. So just make sures he knows the consequences of having unsafe sex. Goodluck

Answer 6

id tell the girls mother, i wouldnt suggest anything to her, its her kid, and moms gonna flip her lid. id buy the kid some condoms, id make him watch a ton of std films , id set him down to watch maury paternity tests, id explain to him that if he got a girl pregnant what would happen ,that hed have to get a job, and pay child support tell him how much hed pay . have a friend with a small baby come over and hand him the child , stay and watch him take care of the baby for an hour with no ones help . i wouldnt let the girl visit in his room , they would be supervised 100 percent . he wouldnt go to her house , unless someone was home. the sad part is no matter how much you lecture, no matter how much you prepare them both with contraceptives, it can still happen. i think after you tell the girls mom , you wont be seeing much of her. good luck , my sons 6 im not looking forward to going through this lol .

im with whats her name down there, a month later ??? omg shes probally prego.

Answer 7

Well kids are gunna find a way to do what they want no matter what you do I would suggest giving him information pictures showing STD maybe even a book.I Know some schools have those baby's to teach a teen what its like to have a baby and the baby crys and you havta turn a key to feed it and stuff and hold it and all that and the baby records how the teen dose.I don't know your finical situation I'm sure they are expensive you could buy one and make him take care of it himself and see how it feels to stay up with the baby and all of that. or maybe you could try to see if his school would let him take care of it for a few days.Just wait to see what his girlfriends mom has to say about it.you could send them both to planed parenthood they will give them pamphlets on STD pregnancy condoms if they want them and an exam and birth control for her if she wants it .

Good luck.

Answer 8

Whoa.. my son is 12 and I know I have to go through this at some point...I would talk to my son about condoms and stds... and the importance of finishing his education and marrying before having any children. And yes, if the girls mom knows, then suggest birth control and reassure her that you have spoken to your son about condoms. Best of luck to you mom! The challenges that lie ahead for us...

Answer 9

TALK! By all means, have that heart to heart with his GF's Mom. I just had a Letter printed in the paper about this. It has nothing to do w/ religien or if it is cool or not. They just feel "ready".

By all means, supply condoms. Don't get all flustered about getting home early enough for when he gets home. If they really want to do it again, they WILL find a way.

He had sex, so he is mature enough to know what is what. The worse thing you can do is treat him like a child. I know he's young, but that will only alienate him.

I wish you the best of luck. Be pateint.

Answer 10

Talk to her mom. She needs to be on birth control and your son needs to use condoms. Telling them that they can't have sex is only going to backfire. Tell your son that no matter what that he has to use condoms because girls cannot always be trusted when they say they are on the pill or that they are taking it correctly. DO NOT have the girl go on the shot. The depo shot is horrible. It messes up hormones, causes weight gain. I know someone that ended up divorced because his wife totally went psycho after going on the shot. The shot also does not protect against STDs. It is also your son's responsibility