Am I doing the right thing about the voicemails from my ex-husband?

Question

My ex-husband keeps leaving me voicemails and calling me. He leaves about two message per day and I don't have the strength to deal with them so I delete them without listening to them. They are usually mean and degrading.

I don't know if I should send him an e-mail saying to stop calling me or just ignore him and hope that he eventually stops calling. I have to turn off my cell phone because its so annoying.

There is nothing left to discuss between the two of us.

Our daughter will be visiting with him and his mother over the holiday. He was pressuring me for her grades. She got a 3.0 this semester which is good considering she changed schools and we moved.

I am at my wit's end with my ex though. He is so persistent and won't leave me alone. The more he calls, the more turned off I get though....

Answer 1

Send him an email and explain to him that from now on, you will communicate with him by email instead of phone, unless it is a true emergency (i.e., someone died). Tell him that you are doing your very best to help your daughter, but that his constant phone calls are distracting, disrupting and non-productive. You will be happy to answer any questions or concerns over email, where you have a chance to read them, consider his questions/comments, think about them, and respond to them thoughtfully in the manner they deserve. (!)(And don't think you have to respond within the hour -- sometimes, a day or two is plenty.)

That way, if he tries to take you to court for lack of communication, etc. re: your daughter, you have proof that you are completely open to communication -- and you have a written record of abuse, if he decides to be nasty in the emails. :-)

Please don't be a slave to your cell phone. Just because someone calls you, doesn't mean you have to answer! Weird concept, I know -- but a cell phone is supposed to be for YOUR convenience, not the rest of the world's!) If you see him call, just hit the "ignore" button, or whatever your phone has to not take a call. (If you don't have Caller ID, then GET IT.) And don't feel guilty.

He has the right to see her grades, but based on your previous post, I think he is unrealistic in his expectations. Your daughter did well, considering what a tumultuous period she has been going through. It may be time to let what he says "go in one ear and out the other" and stop taking it personally -- besides, if he could do better, your daughter would still be with him, right?

Just keep doing your best. And I hope you've listened to previous posters who have urged you to consider counseling -- you are so anxous to do the right thing with your daughter, and you both have been through so much change in the last six months, I'd like to see you getting more support than you seem to be getting.

Answer 2

I think you are doing the right thing. Eventually he will stop. Be the grown up in the situation. It sounds like it's pretty fresh -- eventually things will settle down. Just make sure you are doing what you're supposed to do. Why didn't you give him a copy of your daughter's grades? Don't give him any reason to be angry with you. I would definitely document the number of calls -- keep a notebook with times and days of the messages. That way if it ever comes to it you could go to the police and get him for stalking. Document document document!

Answer 3

No you are not handling the situation right.

You need to be courageous and ask him to put a stop to it. Ignoring him is not going to solve the issue.

Another thing you can do is send a copy of the voice mail to someone he highly respects and ask the person to talk to him about it. This should be done if he continues after you have given a warning.

I am sure one of these might stop. If he still persist then I think it will be nice to ask the police to visit him and caution him after given them proof of his activities.

Kindly, let the police action be the last resort that way you will have done your best to maintain a cordial relationship with him based on the fact that you both have a child.

Answer 4

NO, you are not doing the right thing. He shouldn't have to pressure you for the daughter's grades. You should have made a copy of them and sent them to him. When he calls, tell him how your daughter is doing and whatever she is doing. Tell him, "Jenna" is doing so well in school and I'm sending you a copy of her grades. She at a friend's house right now, but I'll have her call you when she gets home, blah, blah, blah, etc. Get the picture? No matter what he says or asks that doesn't pertain to your daughter, answer it with something that does. He will give up eventually, but you have to be persistent and you have to answer his calls and encourage your daughter to call him frequently. It's your responsibility since you chose him as the "sperm donor".

Answer 5

Make a new e-mail account and send him a e-mail telling him to leave you alone make sure to tell him who you are. That way he doesn't have your real e-mail adres. That way you don't have a bunch of messages on the e-mail you use the most. Check the new 1 every once in a while to see what he says

Answer 6

if its truly affecting you and you are having to turn your phone off and such to avoid these message then that is harassment, save A LOT of the messages and file a report for harassment.....if you have already told him to stop calling and he is continuing to do so, you have to step it up a notch and make him take notice of the fact that not only do you not want him calling you, the manner in which hes calling is disrespectful, as well as unlawful

Answer 7

Remind him that he is an EX-husband, and to find someone else to annoy. Maybe get a new phone and don't let him know the new number. Is your daughter old enough to know not to pass it the new number on?

Answer 8

box of rain gave you my first thought; save the messages for a court case against him.

I have been one of your contacts and tackled a few of your questions so I have some extra insight and know that this question is just one of a series that reflects the problems between you and your ex-husband, which have only increased since your daughter came to live with you.

Harassment of any form is illegal and your ex-husband’s harassment is illegal. Teachers have successfully filed injunction orders against over protective parents that limit them to one personal visit a month and only 2 phone calls a week. You might want to threaten to the do the same.

You are depressed, and it is approaching clinical depression, which is a form of insanity that I unfortunately have too much expose too. You don’t want to go there, trust me on this. So, yes you need to tell your husband to limit his contact with you.

“Honey, yes we want to work together to raise our child, but you aren’t going to do a good job of that by making me insane. I am getting sick of your constant phone calls and interference in my life. Your comparisons are unfair, your criticism are unfair and your constant harassment has become lawsuit worthy. So I am not going to play your game. I am going to limit you to two phone calls per week and I will delete all your other messages and ignore you. It isn’t that I don’t care; it is because YOU don’t care. You are only trying to transfer your problems to me, and I won’t let you do that.

We broke up because we didn’t work well together and you are only proving that this was the correct decision. You are not going to make me miserable or make our daughter’s life miserable either so knock it off. There is nothing left to discuss between the two of us.”

You need to tell him that you aren’t listening to him, or talking with him, you need to tell him that he isn’t going to make you miserable, and you need to tell him that you aren’t listening to his messages any more. If you don’t then he will just keep calling and keep trying to contact you.

Grades aren't everything in life, happiness is important too, and all you ex-husband is doing is trying to rob your life and your daughter's life of any happiness. Tell him you don't play that game and I am not going to let you tranfser your misery onto me, you can keep it for yourself.

Answer 9

I think what you're doing is right. If it's me, I'll do the same thing; just ignore... coz if you're trying to respond in any way,you'll be giving him the chance & satisfation to hurt & annoy you even more....i'm sure he'll eventually stop....But if he takes any different approach especially physically, i suggest you make a report for harrasment....

Answer 10

Save all the messages and e-mails he sends you. Then file a police report for stalking.

Take control of your life. Show your daughter what a strong and intelligent woman is like. The world will have more than enough strippers when she is 18 years old.

Good luck.