I am concerned about an issue concerning my 13 year old daughter....?

Question

I have been divorced since 2005, I have custody and he has visitations. My ex-husband(37 years old) lives with his mom, no car and lives in the house with a known drug user (his niece) who just got arrested, I found out today, a month ago after the fact. His family told my daughter not to tell me and my husband because they did not want my ex to lose visitations with my daughter. When my daughter finally got this off her chest, she wept for an hour feeling like she was going to be yelled at or outed as a "big mouth" by her grandmother, father, cousin and grandfather. I am open for any suggestions on how to handle this situation, whether it be go to a lawyer or talk to her father and let him know I know..etc...I personally do not want my daughter over there any more until he moves, she moves or ??????? What can I do?

All of your answers were great! I just wanted to add that I love my daughter and I do trust her when it comes to taking drugs from other people, etc.., but what I am worried about is say she was hanging out with her cousin and she had drugs on her and a cop just happened to stop and check Lyric out and found the drugs, my daughter would be in trouble to. This girl has a known high temper and I am sure that on meth it just makes it worse. She beat up her mother, that is how she ended up living at her grandmothers house where my ex-husband stays. very complex and scary situation. I will keep you posted.

Answer 1

if your daughter enjoys spending time with her dad; then try talking to him about maybe holding his visitation someplace else. at least until he moves out of his mother's house, and monitor your daughter's behavior. also, seek legal advice; just in case he doesn't agree with your terms. also, try to express your concerns with out hostility. situations don't get solved that way. if you get along with the other family members(grandmother, cousin,etc.) explain to them your concerns. all everyone has to figure out is what's in the best interest of the child. talk to her (your daughter) as well. find out how she feels about it. good luck!!!!

Answer 2

If your daughter cried for a hour after telling you then you really do have a problem and its not about the niece and her being arrested. Its sounds to me like there maybe alot of bashing going on " no car, lives with his mom". I understand your concerns with the niece but ......Has your ex-husband ever done anything to cause your child harm? Or ever put her in a situation that would cause her any? You said you "personally do not want your daughter over there" but what does your daughter want? Or have you and your ex ever really thought about it? And yes I'm a mother of 3 daughters and 1 is 13and I'm also divorced. The only difference is I learned along time ago to listen to my children. As far as the niece getting arrested for drugs. Your daughter will hear about those things on the streets, at school, from T.V and it seems now at home. So, talk to her, raise her the best you can and I'm sure she'll turn out just fine....... and maybe mom and dad can work on having a better relationship that won't effect her so negatively

Answer 3

First off I think your ex is an @ss for putting his daughter in such a position. I see your point, especially since she is at such a influential age. It seems that the only thing you can do ( I assume you have a court order for support and visitation ) is tell the ex that your daughter is not going to his house until either the felon moves out or he gets another place. Invite him to visit for short periods at your house. That way he can't say you're denying him visitations. If he doesn't agree to this contact your lawyer right away. It's obvious you can't let your daughter continue to stay in that situation. I hope I've been of some help. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

As far as eliminating the visitation, contact your social services agency and tell them you know that there is a drug user living at the home where your daughter spends her time with her father. Tell them you feel you child is endangered when she goes there. They should be able to tell you how to proceed in court to get visitation supervised or eliminated.

As far as helping your daughter, you may want to look into counseling. Your ex's family should not have blackmailed your daughter. They put her in an awful position for such a young girl. Keep reinforcing that your daughter did the right thing by telling you, and that some secrets should not be kept.

Answer 5

Well done to you, first of all. You obviously have a good relationship with your teenager as she felt able to tell you about this. Her father should be ashamed of himself for demanding that she keep it secret.
Reassure your daughter, emphatically, that she did the right thing in telling you.Secrecy breeds harm.
I feel that you do need to get legal advice on this and I don't feel that your daughter should stay, for the time being, in a household where drug use is considered 'normal.'
Whether you tell your ex-husband or not is up to you; you know him best, but get legal advice first, either from a drug counselor or your local social services. Your daughter is a minor and needs protecting. Good luck with this.

Answer 6

Any place which is corrupt has to be avoided. Your ex-husband's living with a drug user is a clear indication enough to avoid your little girl from visitations. Your girl is old enough to understand the delicate matter and let her decide and very diplomatically start reducing or curtailing the visitations. Watch for a few more visits, check his behavior(is he also taking drugs?) through your daughter and get in touch with your lawyer if it is found to be serious.

Answer 7

Gee what a burden on your daughter they put by telling her to keep ANYTHING from you or her Dad. At the very least I would be calling whoever was the one who put your daughter in this position, and telling them that they had no right to expect her to keep ANY secret from ANYONE, especially her parents. If they want to support a drug user and jailbird, then that is their choice, but they need to leave your daughter out of their corrupt and negative family business. Your ex husband ought to be just as upset with them as you, so I would at least give him the chance to either agree with you that what they did, put alot of unwanted and unnecessary stress that she didn't deserve. These people owe you AND your daughter an apology, and if they can't acknowledge what they did was wrong, then your daughter wouldn't be comfortable going there anyway. It doesn't sound like you are trying to keep your daughter from her Dad, but I think you have every right to decide who your daughter has to come in contact with. Hopefully he is taking steps to get his life in order to where he can visit his daughter in a responsible way and environment. I guess your next step depends on what their attitude is like, and if they truly have your daughters best interest at heart, they will go out of their way to respect your position on the matter. Best wishes.

Answer 8

Explain to your daughter about letting you know when people say not to tell you. You are there to help her through these things. Your daughter knows what is wrong or right or she would not of felt so bad. If she wishes to return let her know her other side of the family. but let her know she can call at any time for you. if you cause more trouble over there it will just cause you more problems. I am sure your exparent in laws wish they did not have the problems niether. If she does not want to go back then talk to your ex parent in laws about other times when they can see her if they wish.

Answer 9

First of all commend her for coming to you with this and now is the time to keep the lines of communication wide open. Since the father didn't know, what is his opinion of this? Does he feel as you do? Perhaps he could visit her some other place. A child needs both parents but not if one is not keeping the child safe. I would discuss this with him if possible and if it can not be worked out, go immediately to a lawyer. Best of luck and tell your child how brave and smart she is for coming to you with this from me!

Answer 10

NO BODY MENTIONED to TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!! LOVE your daughter for sharing with you. Be your daughter's strength. Ask her if she feels threatened or manipulated by this other home. Maybe she can handle things more than you know! YES, she shouldn't be around this knd of stuff, but you MUST talk things over with your daughter. She MUST feel that you love her and that you trust her. Help her to make the right judgement calls. Help her to know what to do and what not to do. Help her to know that she has a FRIEND in YOU and that she can come to you for anything, without intimidation. BE YOUR DAUGHTER's STRENGTH and FRIEND!!!