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PREFACE

I focused on nothing but the rheumatic pattern of my breathing. In and out. Inhale and exhale. I was vastly petrified. He walked toward me with a shady smile on his face. I awaited agony and pain.
There was no warmth or bliss. The caring features vanished and turned into harsh, cold structures. How terribly I grieved to be safe in his arms. In his arms. I knew that he was gone as much as I knew that this would be hurtful. He took a step forward balancing all of his weight on one foot and smiled in the way that made me cringe, then, he lunged.














Chapter One
Acquaintance

Sixteen.
Perfect age, right. Wrong. This is when everything starts to change. Especially for me. Feelings are more sensitive. Sensitive. I really wished that word didn’t exist. It hurts. I used to be sensitive.
But, that was before I knew. Before I knew the truth. We’ll get to that later.

Now is me dreading to get in the car.
“C’mon Maria, it’s not gonna be that bad! You’ll have fun! Meet some new people, you need to have some fun. You’ve been so…..” my Dad paused at that, “so…….mopey.”
“I’ve not been mopey!” I shouted. I think that I shouted a little too sharply.
“Get in the car.” he said. I had said it too sharply.
I reached for the radio button, but he touched the back of my hand, signaling that he wasn’t in the mood. Or I had made him too angry.
We drove past some trees and old buildings. My dad really did live in a dump. We passed so many shattered things. Imagine a ghost town and it was worse than that. One of the log cabins that we passed, we stopped at. It was really little. One door that was on the side and two or three windows on the back. I wondered why not in the front. Were they trying to keep the sunlight out?
I was awoken from my thought from a deep, husky voice.
“Well, hello! Long time no see! I’ve been waiting to see you since you was a little young’un.” it said.
The windows were so tinted that I had to roll down my window to get a look. I reached for the handle and twisted it downward. There stood an old man, he was much shorter than I was. In fact, he was probably shorter than a seven or an eight year old. Then I noticed why, he was in a wheelchair.
“What’s this young’un’s name again Bill?” he asked my Dad.
My dad smiled at me and then at the old man. “It’s Maria Dad.”
“Dad?” I asked my Father.
“Honey, this is your Grandpapa Frank. You’ll be spending time with him a bit.”
I was so shocked that I didn’t even notice the young looking man that walked up.
“This is my little helper, Nathan.” he smiled. “He helps out a lot around here.”
Nathan smiled and put his hand out. “It’s nice to finally meet you, Maria.” he said. I couldn’t understand why this boy was so peculiar. He spoke normal. He walked normal. He just didn’t look normal. He had dark eyes. Dark eyes. Almost black. Long, black hair put up in a ponytail. He was so big and muscular, you would think that he was an underwear model, instead of a help.
“Well,” he said, “I best be going. I have much more work to do.” He looked straight at me then. Like he was trying to tell me something without physically speaking. “Good day, Maria.” He smiled as he walked off.
“Good day.” I said again. I looked at the clock on the car. Seven fifty-two. “Dad,” I said, now focusing on the more important things. “I’m going to be late!”
“Oh, look at the time. I am so sorry Frank, I have to go now! I’ll see you later. Maria will come by right after school! Won’t you Maria?” Dad said looking at me while he raised his eyebrows. Telling me to say yes.
“Of course I will. Right after school.” I instantly regretted saying it.

We pulled away from the driveway and headed for school. I had so many questions that I wanted to ask Dad. Why was Frank in a wheelchair? Why did Nathan act so weird? Who was Frank? But, I decided not to ask. I would always get the same answer I always got. ‘Save em’ for the Beavers’. It was liable to come up sometime anyway.



We pulled up to it, a school that was supposed to be a school. But it really looked like an old, run down, fit for mice, factory. Or something of the sort.
I opened the door of the truck and walked on the cold uneven pavement-that was supposed to be a sidewalk-to first period. I heard some footsteps behind me. Oh no. I didn’t want Dad to follow me. He did anyway.
“Dad, I don’t need you to walk in with me like I’m some kindergartener. I’m fine on my own.” I said, while turned around completely the other way. Sure enough Dad wasn’t there. Whose steps did I hear. Everyone was already in first period. I ran to class.
I had hoped that I would meet some nice acquaintances and talk some friendly talks. I was wrong. I walked up to Mr. Barren’s class and sat down. When he called my name for roll, he noticed that he didn’t remember the name, so he made me stand up in front of the class and introduce myself.
“H-he-hello. M-my n-name is,” I looked up at the twenty-five kids staring at me with un-amused faces. “m-my n-name is,” and that’s pretty much as far as I got. I’m not good at being in front of people.
“Go ahead,” Mr. Barren told me, getting agitated. “we all want to hear.”
Then, it was all green and more green. If you know what I mean. I felt like I was going to faint-and I did. But I didn’t hit the floor. That was the most peculiar part.
Instead, I was caught by gorgeous arms, which carried me to the nurse’s office.
“Take her to the clinic!” was the last voice that I heard.

After that, I listened to a high pitched, crackly voice-which was actually the nurse’s voice.
“She’s okay, she just fainted. She must not be too great in front of-”
“I’ll take her home.” said a beautiful tone. I thought that it couldn’t even begin to be a voice of a human. It was just too graceful. The voice was like the ocean, like the heaven’s angels. I already loved the voice-even though I had no idea whose it actually belonged to. I figured it was probably the guy with muscular arms that took me to the clinic.
He picked me up with one arm, put me over his shoulder and carried me out the door. Before I knew it, I was at my truck. But, he didn’t even know that what kind of car that I had.
I opened my eyes and saw the most beautiful figure that I ever thought was possible. He had black hair, short cut and shimmering in the sunlight. But, when I looked at him, it wasn’t just his hair shimmering, but his whole body was shimmering in the light. Beautiful eyes, no wait beautiful doesn’t even begin to cover it. Picturesque eyes. Gorgeous little things. I saw all of this while in his arms. Remember that I don’t even know this beautiful little devil’s name.
“Is this your car?” he said. I was so drowned in his beauty, he had to say it again, before I could hear him. My ears weren’t in command with my eyes.
“I said, is this your car?” he said again with a smile on his face. He was probably used to all this attention, he seemed to be enjoying it.
“Yes.” I managed to get out of my almost stunned mouth.
“Are you okay.” he turned the corners of his mouth into a smile. (by the way, gorgeous smile)
Here we go again with the-having to say it twice before I noticed that his dazzling mouth said anything with that heaven’s angels voice-thing.
“I think so. How did you know that this was my car?” I asked, puzzled still.
He didn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to.

Answer 1

Your story has strong merit. For me, it is difficult to read through long narratives on this forum, but I did in this case because the tenseness kept building. Good job!

On the other hand, you need to edit the story a few more times regarding correct use of punctuation--including commas after the line of dialogue and before the tag. Concentrate on punctuation because that seems to be your weakest area.

Additionally, I recommend eliminating much of the repetitious words or phrases meant for emphasis as is done in street talk. Doing it once, maybe even twice, could be acceptable, but making it a habit causes the reader to build a bad taste in his mouth.

One item few novice and professional writers are shady about is the use of a comma after the question mark or exclamation point before the ending quotation mark. A comma is inserted in these events when the tag is composed of a participial phrase, an independent clause, or a long independent clause beginning with a coordination conjunction.

Example: “I said, is this your car?” he said again with a smile on his face.

Change it by adding the comma immediately after the question mark and before the ending quotation mark, as this:

"I said, is this your car?," he said again . . .

Watch the use of common street talk in your narrative. Yes, the story must reflect a personality, but one that writes well.

Get a copy of "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and Williams. That little reference book is a must to have near your keyboard.

Note: regarding copyright. Your story is automatically copyrighted when you wrote it and placed it in hard-copy form. Plageurism is possible, but doubtful from this forum. Mailing a copy of your manuscript to yourself is not necessary or needful. Print a copy of your manuscript having your name and the date written. That will suffice.

Answer 2

Sounds really good. I'm guessing yuo've read the Twilight Series, too. I like the story, though. Seem well thought-out so far and just great.

Answer 3

it is great, but you shouldn't show anybody that online, it was kind of silly of you to do that, because since it isn't copyrighted someone else might steal it. I am writing a book and its great, i'm almost done, it will be about 300 pages.

Answer 4

Sorry, I'd rather eat my own flesh with a grapefruit spoon than read all of that.

What was your question?

And what the heck is a "rheumatic pattern"?

Answer 5

i didn't really understand it until i read i though a few times. But it was really good. You have a gift for writing, use it.

Answer 6

wow. that was *really* good. but i dont get the preface.... BUT the descriptions were absolutely beautiful, nice job!

Answer 7

Just reading the frist paragraph made me sleepy. It was all to pridictable, without originality. what is with the 'young'un'?

Answer 8

Wow, amazing is all I can say.You have a gift, use it!Such beautiful writting.

Answer 9

WOW this is really good!!!! Two thumbs up!!!!! Damn this is good

Answer 10

Wow, very good.....BRAVO !!!!! 2 thumbs up...Need I say more?