Are you happily married? Have you always been? or did it take a trip through hell to get there?

Question

Our first three years have been pretty difficult... ok NO, they've been downright hellish!
But now (to my delight and joy) we are finally on the right track.

If your marriage has endured the fires of hell

What did you and your companion do to end your "occupancy in hell"?
and
What are your secrets for keeping that happiness in your marriage?

Answer 1

I just had my fifth year anniversary..
We started out great.. had 2 years of great marriage then things went down hill. Communication went bad, our love life faltered, and there were times she did things she wanted without any discussion with me. Things looked doomed. When she used my extra overtime money to have her mother visit for Thanksgiving I pulled away. I started staying away from the house as much as I could. I never cheated but she started thinking that was what was going on.
When I did stay around the house we fought about everything from housekeeping to finances.
Finally we decided to get marriage counseling.
There we learned the true meaning of love and marriage
LOVE is not an emotion. LOVE is a choice
It is a decision to stay true. A decision to look at your partners needs. A decision to make sacrifices to make your loved one feel needed. A decision to not worry about their faults but do your best to eliminate your own downsides.
If you base love on emotion your marriage will fail. There will be tough times and bad times. If your love is based on the emotions you can not continue on. That is why you must make the CHOICe to love your spouse.
That means I CHOOSE not to look at other women. That means I CHOOSE to be nice to my in-laws even though they frustrate me. It means I choose to let my wife know EVERY day how much I love her. I choose every day to tell her how beautiful she is. I choose to suprise her with flowers for no other reason then to let her know I care. I choose to do extra work even if I feel I am getting the bigger end. I choose to overloook her shortcomings and instead focus on the many things she does right. Thank goodness she does the same for me. I know I need Mercy and grace
That being said another thing I learned is.. if you think you are doing 100% of everything you might actually be doing 50%. It is easy to see the things you do and not give credit for the things your spouse might do.
We have now had 2 straight years of amazing marriage. I go to work happy. My confidence is high because I feel loved. My wife does better because she is in a better mood and has more confidence,.

Answer 2

Honey, we still take our trips through hell at times. LOL! We have been together 10 years and we have gone through some sh*t! However, it is like the old saying goes...That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.. Each time we have been on the brink of a split up we come to our senses, remember that we love each other and WHY we loves each other and we MAKE a way to work things out. We try to keep things lighthearted and try not to make life too "heavy" for each other. we remind each other many times daily that we love each other. We still do silly little goofy things like write each other messages on the mirror.....sometimes he uses my expensive lipstick, but I never get angry because his messages are so sweet & I would rather have the message than the lipstick any day. We still WANT each other and we are still friends. I have learned not to nag him about every little thing and he has learned to REALLY listen to me. Men and women are so very different and as soon as that is recognized so many of the little issues can be resolved and the little arguments do not turn into huge battles. We respect one another. We did not always do that, but we have learned the positive benefits of being thoughtful and respectful and it is so much better than being resentful constantly. Do not dwell on the bad things or resentment will build up. It is so much nicer to live a happy and fun life then a chaotic life that is full of turmoil. Stay in love and STAY FRIENDS! You can go through hell and back a million times but it is how you handle it and how you handle that return from hell that matters. I love my husband more now than I ever have in ten years and I think so many more marriages would work out if people would not throw the towel in so fast and give up. Good luck and appreciate your partner and they will appreciate you in return.

Answer 3

You are describing the opposite of how most marriages start. Generally I believe the first year is bliss and happy and then reality sets in after the first year.

Your describing a stormy marriage within your first three years of marriage, then you must consider.... is this the eye of the storm. that will eventually revert back into what you have experienced before.

You seem to paint a picture that you have trained your husband and you finally have him seeing things your way. I wonder if he feels the same way that you do about being out of a hellish marriage? just a thought....

Answer 4

I've been married for 4 years and the first 2 were such a confusing mess. we got into a pattern of 2-3 weeks of happiness followed by 2-3 weeks of hell. i always wondered why i got married in the first place, was it all a big mistake. then we just realized we couldn't live like this anymore, we either commit to each other or not. it took alot of long talks about our problems, our differences, and what we really want out of life together. now i totally feel if someone wants to get married they should try pre-marriage counseling, most of our problems wouldn't have existed if we did.

Answer 5

Well, I wouldn't have called it hell...but we did have some difficulties off and on for several years. Financial issues were the major "fight" issue. I'm cheap; she's not a spendthrift, but doesn't watch every penny. Over time, I learned to loosen up and she learned to live within a budget.

Best guess I have for the "secret to happiness" is keeping an open mind to consider the ideas of others, learning to compromise on both sides, and stop sweating the small stuff. But most of all, you have to place the needs of your spouse and family before those of yourself. All those things fall in place if you maintain your love and devotion to each other.

Answer 6

We fought like hell for the first few years and almost broke up several times. But for the past couple of years, we've been close. We know what we can handle now...and to expect surprises and disappointments. We don't sweat the small stuff like we did in the beginning.

Answer 7

Yes, I am happily married.

I have pretty much been happy. Sure everyone has bumps in the road, but we must have missed the off-ramp to hell.

In order to avoid the hell tour, I have tried to treat my spouse as a part of me. I tell her everything, it may hurt short term, but in the long run I find it's best.

The secret is have enough in common to be able to grow together, but enough differences to keep your own identity.

Answer 8

life, let alone marriage, is not a straight and always paved road. If you don't figure out how to avoid the potholes and find alternate ways to your destination its easy to become discouraged. You have to go beyond the sex and get into a partnership relationship to really bond as a couple. Have fun with your new friend,Hubby, and enjoy the rest of your sometimes bumpy ride/life.

Answer 9

It took a trip through hell to get there, we were having our problems early on, then they did not get better, so I left him and filed for a seperation, and then we got to talking after many months, and then slowly but surely, we started to communicate more and he realized that he had to be a better person in order for me to take him back, and we both realized that we had a lot of growing up to do, and during our seperation we worked on it, and it took about 8 months to a year, and we still talked, and spent time together, and we fell back in love with eachother, and we never stopped loving eachother, we just realized that there were things that we both had to change within ourselves, and when we did we and our marriage was a lot better.

we reconciled, and renewed our vows and will be celebrating 16 years of marriage this February, but we are still working on a lot of things, we talk more, we do not fight, argue, throw hissy fits, we communicate, and we reason.

But yes, it took us to go through hell to finally get where we are today!!!!

Answer 10

I think that the willingness of two people to talk it out is the important thing. If your partner hears you and respects your wishes and feelings and you do the same for them then it will work out fine. We are having a huge problem lately because of his ex wife. He stepped out on me with her before we were married and she still tries to manipulate him. I get very upset that he gives her the opportunity and space to do this. I think that we have enough love between us to work it out. I hope so. We had a long talk this morning about it...he doesn't want me to leave or live unhappy...so he says...actions speak miles.....we will see.