Is it possible that some women can't recognise abusive men?

Question

OK before I say anything else this question is NOT an invitation for misogynists to give "blame the victim" answers!

Now to explain my question..is it possible that some women don't recognise the signs of an abuser's behaviour and take them as signals before they are go into an abusive relationship? I mean they just couldn't see it?

Of course an abuser can be so good at hiding it at first that Any one can miss it. I hope we all realise that.

But some women spot abusers more early than others and I'm wondering than maybe some women simply can't? The perception or intuition for it is just not there.

If this is true than can we teach them what the signs of a potential abuser are? What is the best way to do it if we can? And is it being done?

Answer 1

Women LOVE abusive men, they choose them every time over gentle, considerate men. Just ask any nice guy.

They have to sit through hours of listening to women who would never dream of giving them a chance complaining about the ******* they picked and stay with at the risk of their own lives and those of their kids. And when you tell them it's time to get out, they make excuses for their abusers.

Evolution ain't politically correct. You get the traits you breed for and you get the behaviors you reinforce. As long as women prefer abusive men, and overwhelmingly it seems that's what it takes to turn them on, that's who they are going to find.

Answer 2

You nailed it on the head! Some women do not recognize abusive men and abusive relationships until it's way into it.

Many times, the abuse is insidious; that is, it happens slowly and becomes a matter of fact before the woman even realizes what has happened.

Also women who have grown up in abusive households, become adults and often know no better. To be in an abusive relationship is a security for them - as odd as that may sound.

So far, I see agencies now available to help the woman after the fact of being in an abusive relationship. It is often hard to get her to leave. But if she does, she then has an avenue and a hand offered to help.

But, I do not see any 'teaching' of how to spot an abuser. Perhaps, there should be a class for young woman teaching self-esteem and identity. They would then be equipped with the tools to ward off such relationships before they begin, or if they find themselves in one, they will be strong enough to depart pronto.

The media can play a part in setting role models. But, I think actual teaching of the young woman/girl is the answer. The mothers can help too, but if they're in an abusive relationship, they are useless.

I'll be interested to see what the other answers are.

Answer 3

So anyone that has a view different than yours is a misogynist?

I believe that both men and women are prone to "overlook" abusive behavior. They tell themselves that the end will justify the means and that he/she doesn't mean it.

There is absolutely no excuse for physical abuse by either a male or a female and that is largely spotted and avoided, but to gear your question totally from the point of a woman is unfair to men.

In my line of work I encounter abuse in some form almost daily, and I can tell you from experience and many, many years on the street that women are far more guilty of "mental and emotional" abuse than men, just as your men are more guilty of physical abuse.

We all need to start looking at the problem of abuse in it's entirety and stop picking it apart to better justify our philosophies and beliefs.

Answer 4

I think that women who are abused often have issues with their own self esteem- they may have been raised in an abusive environment or otherwise believe that they don't deserve any better than what they get. They deserve love and respect, and they either don't think they do, or think they are getting love and respect when it might actually be abuse and control.

I'm not blaming the victim here- just saying that it's not as simple as identifying abusers.

Answer 5

Relationships are complicated.
Every person has the potential to abuse as well as be abused. To assume you can spot or profile an abuser. Look in the mirror How much are you willing to put up with.
What are you willing to do to prevent crossing the line.
Who will help if you need help.
I believed and told my future husband if you ever hit me or our future kids I will leave him. That was the line to cross. Further more he would be left the children believing I could would not afford single parenthood. He hit me on 2 occasions in our married life. I did not leave him. He hit 3 of the 4 children. I did not leave him. I did leave once for undermining my authority repeatedly with my daughter.

Answer 6

I think that to recognise abusive men, women would first have to recognise what abuse itself is.
Some women allow for minor forms of abuse to continuously slip, until they become a habit and escalate into an issue.
Also to take into consideration, each woman has her own idea of what is tolerable and what is not, so the view on what is classified as abusive varies from woman to woman, her culture, upbringing, beliefs or personal opinions on the matter.

I agree with some of the psychological reasons provided above.

Answer 7

Each individual has a unique perspective in life on what is considered normal behavior and what is not.
So what one woman may see as abnormal or abuse, another may see as a normal way of life.
Most of the factors that determine our viewpoint are how we were raised, our cultural background and our religious background.
So whereas I may see that a man yelling at a woman in the grocery store is abusive, if she grew up seeing that as a way of life, she therefore would not even be able to see it as abuse.
I counseled many abused families for years. So whereas you might look at that same situation and say " Why does she put up with being treated so badly?", she in turn truly does not see it as being treated badly but rather as normal.
The "recognition" as you ask, would then be absent. But not due to emotional blindness..
One woman might see a husband who forces his wife to have sex with him as abuse right? Some women though may see it as simply her marital obligation being enforced, not abuse. Many times in counseling the task of correcting a situation was first and foremost trying to completely change a woman's fundamental viewpoints. This was common with women in some of the asian and indian cutures due to their religious and cultural backgrounds. Well I hope this makes sense, I tend sometimes to feel that I talk myself into a circle.-)

Answer 8

Actually, no, some women can't. What they fail to recognize is not the abuse itself, but its cyclical nature. It goes like this: Abuse ----> honeymoon period (apologies, promises never to do it again, lavishing attention) ----> calm ----> abuse again. They believe the guy in the honeymoon period and keep letting it happen. More women should take a one-strike policy on this.

Answer 9

Sometimes women can recognize abusive men, but they don't have the power in themselves to walk away from the abusive situation. For some women abused early in childhood (for example sexually), the ability to say no to something you know is not good for you can be difficult if not impossible at times. You can recognize that person isn't good for you, but you're powerless or fearful to act.

Answer 10

Spotting it isn't the issue. The issue is being able to trust oneself that what is being seen is actually the case.
Take a young child raised in a situation where one or both parents are abusive esp emotionally or verbally--those children are taught to doubt everything they feel....they grow up to be easy prey to abusers.

Answer 11

Some red flags of a potential abuser, are extreme jealousy, If he trys to limit your contact with friends and family, Isolation from friends and family is a extreme red flag, he is very moody or if his moods have sudden drastic changes. Those are just some of the indicators that your loved one is prone to abusive behavior.