Half of my life story. Will you please judge me?

Question

I started to deviate from the path of normal life sometime during second or third grade. I began to embrace video gaming, computers, and most other aspects of the digital lifestyle much more then the other children. I started to get terrible grades and so all the adults in my life (except my mother) just assumed I was a moron. The teachers thought that I should no longer go to their school anymore because I was not under their definition of intelligent (I went to a G.A.T.E. school at the time). They gave me a test to see where I stood on the “Smart Scale”, as it turned out I ended up having the same overall brainpower as the average middle school student, and the reading comprehension of a sophomore. From that point on I was watched closely all throughout my life during elementary school and got different treatment then the rest of my peers. I was allowed (encouraged actually) to interact with the other students during lunch and recess without the staff hovering over me, although even then I would be monitored from afar. Other children often rejected me because I didn’t like to participate in physical activities and also because I enjoyed having conversations about things they didn’t (and shouldn’t) grasp like politics. I was very socially blunt and would inform someone of something without easing into it, for example, if I felt attracted to a girl I would simply tell her as opposed to trying to construct a relationship with her first, which is why I was never able to build a healthy relationship with any girls at that time. I kept spiraling downward emotionally because I was constantly rejected; the pain eventually began to smother me. I completely isolated myself from outside life and dwelled on all the negativity flowing in my mind. I was depressed, and cried myself to sleep night after night, after a while my sadness turned into anger, then hate started to accompany my anger. Compassion was switched with fear in the hearts of those who tried to support me. By middle school I was completely devoured by hatred. I loathed the kids around me; I wanted them to murder them all. Teachers at my charter middle school started to get concerned because I was so anti-social and because they would occasionally find my grotesquely violent drawings and overwhelmingly disturbing writings depicting the killing of others with a variety of firearms. I did not associate the drawings and stories with one or two students, because they weren’t the only ones I wished were dead. I wanted a mass slaughter, the death of all mankind. I wanted my revenge distributed unto all people because it was humans who filled me with suffering. I would take my anger out upon the only person who loved me to no end, my mother. I would shout at her, tell her I hated her, make her weep, and felt no guilt for doing so. Guilt was not something I felt, because I believed that all the pain I delivered to others was completely justified. My history teacher would ask me “What do you think would help solve some of the problems across the globe?” every day after school even though I never gave a response. After about a month of him doing this I decided to answer him, I walked towards the exit, stopped right in front if the door, let out a sigh as I looked down at my feet, I rested my hand on the doorknob, turned and stared my teacher straight in the eyes. He again asked me “What do you think would help solve some of the problems across the globe?” and then met his eyes with mine, I thought for a second and then replied “violence solves all problems; no people, no problem” (I later learned that I had actually quoted Stalin).

Please judge ME, not the quality of my life story (unless it's added on to the judging of me)

Answer 1

no i wont judge u other then to say u sound upset @ world probably with good reason

Answer 2

this sounds to me like the most typical problem with youth today, the self-rightous, holier than thou,sense of entitlement that plagues the minds of kids(people under 30)today. It's very simple to overcome. Its called learning to be humble. The sooner you learn that diversity in Brain Power is a neccesary element in every society the better off you'll be. Just think how boring this world would be if EVERYBODY was as smart as you are! Relax, don't be a hater, it will just send you to the grave that much faster! And believe it or not, your Mom is not the only person who would miss you! PEACE

Answer 3

You didn't mention whether or not you have had any psychotherapy? Either you are a good story teller or you have issues you need to talk to a shrink about. Why do you feel the need to have a bunch of strangers "judge" you? Wouldn't that just fuel your hatred of the world and give you some justification in your own mind to take your frustrations out on innocent people. Sorry but I won't give you that. Look in the mirror and judge yourself.

Answer 4

No, I'm not going to say get help. I'm not going to say you are pathetic. That's stereotypical answers. You just need to hang around more intellectual people, other than the students around you. You probably are on the computer more because there is a variety of IQ and information. Same here. I am only 13, and I feel as if I understand more than the average teenage mind. Just hang around with people who understand you.

Answer 5

sure, notwithstanding it may take a stunning purchase to tell my existence background and to three people it would desire to be boring. To make it short, i became born in the process the melancholy, went to college and graduated in 1953, went to artwork in a scientific institution laundry in 1954, Enlisted into the U. S. military in 1958, retired in 1979. Went to artwork on the U. S. Postal provider in 1981 and retired in 2001 and now i'm merely relaxing and taking it ordinary. that's All people!!

Answer 6

Be careful. You might just learn that violence means harming yourself more. You're not the only one in your situation you know?
By the way, you write good. Why not be a writer. Most writers have suffered a lot.

Answer 7

honestly, I'm sad for you. i hope you get help soon. your writing is very advanced for a middle school-er (if you are still one). and you don't have to be so depressed. my brother is just like you. he is a certified genius; however he likes video games and technology more than school, therefore he gets D's regularly, he does however have a great attitude about life, and he is one of the funniest people i know. all of his friends are at least 2 years older than he is, and he is in middle school. most of the kids at his school don't understand his humor because it is so advanced. but grown-ups love him. about your aggression towards your mother- that's not healthy at all. its redirecting all of your negative energy towards someone you love, because its easy. stop taking the easy way out. if i were to 'judge' you- it would be someone i don't talk to- because they are so disconnected, its hard. i would assume your are and outcast, or dint fit in. but please- get help. it will save you and the people around you a lot of, for lack of a better word- hell.

Answer 8

ur life story is good....and it sounds almost exactlyy like mine only i have yet to abandon school because my parents are too strict and have forbidden me to play video games except for on the weekends!!!! I'm allso easily angered and have no friends...as u said "no people, no problems" i always though violenced solved stuff too and i still do! u have an almost identical life story to me...its pretty interesting maybe ur a pretty deep thinker...or u could just keep obsessing about gaming like the rest of the population.

Answer 9

I recommend that you take this story to a therapist.

Answer 10

wow...
you remind me of that virginia tech guy Cho.

you are... insane.
you're intellect has nothing to do with your insanity.
you have problems.
don't kill anyone you'll regret it.