Do I stay for the kids?

Question

I have been with the same guy for the past five and a half years. We have two beautiful children together. We used to have an alright relationship. I should add that he is 24 & I'm 23. I guess you could say it was a typical relationship for that age. But after having kids I've really changed. I'm a totally different person. The thing is is he isn't. He'll even admit that he hasn't changed. He still goes out with his friends almost every night. Granted they're not at the bar, but still, he's not at home with his family. He does whatever he wants to whenever he wants to. I, on the other hand, have to make sure it's okay if I go here or there and I have to give him a specific time I'll be back. He never takes the kids anywhere with him & he's never had them for more than an hour by himself. He usually goes to his mom's. I'm getting very frustrated and starting to resent him. I feel like I'm a single mom! I've tried talking to him but its not working! I'm about ready to leave! Any advice?

Answer 1

Never stay for the kids trust me when I say that... NEVER stay for them u will be the most unhappiest person alive and u will regret it.

Answer 2

This is a problem with most men when they are that age. Most men are not mature enough to start a family until they are in their 30's nowadays. Who's idea was it to have kids? I'm curious. Well you have two lovely kids and you are their mom. Either daddy is going to grow up or not. I think your man is overwhelmed with the responsibility of parenting. I have reason to believe he is not a family man right now. You do not go out every night and leave your wife and kids at home! What about you? I think it is healthy for a couple to go out ones every two weeks and have a date night if you can find a reliable babysitter. The rest of the time means going out as a family! But since you have already talked to him and it is not working there is no reason to stay for the kids, since he does not seem a big part of his kids life anyway.
Maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee when you are not around and he has to make an appointment to see the kids.

Answer 3

I would never suggest staying for the kids. Sometimes staying in a bad relationship is harder on the kids than leaving would be. If you are not happy and he knows this and isn't willing to change to keep you, then you and your children will be better off. The way it sounds you are already alone anyway. And you should never, never have to ask if you can go somewhere. Now if it were me, I would take my children with me and go where I wanted and come back when I wanted. So before he has a chance to head out with the boys, be ready and say bye as your walking out the door. Take your babies and have fun, don't sit at home waiting for him. Your children deserve to see mommy happy.

Answer 4

Why don't people ask these important question BEFORE they have kids. I have always said the best gift you can give your kids is having mommy and daddy under the SAME roof.
You really should read this before you split although I'm sure you'll just see it as being lectured to and it won't make a bit of difference.....but I tried.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071118/ap_on_re_us/child_abuse



Also, you've been given some TERRIBLE advice here. What you have described is NOT an abusive man. He's a young man who's still a bit immature. I feel you should give your marriage a fighting chance before moving on to husband #2 You could find yourself in the same boat with the next guy that comes along..

Answer 5

Well, you are already doing everything by yourself for yourself and your kids. He is not bringing anything into the relationship except extra work for you. Sit down and have a serious heart to heart with him. Let him know exactly how you feel. Then tell him if things don't change and change quickly that he will be changing... changing his address. While it is okay for him to go out with his friends once and a while every night is no where near acceptable. Also for someone who is going out every night instead of spending it with his family he seems pretty demanding of your time. As an adult you do not need to ask his permission to do anything. It is polite to mention where you are going and when you are coming back so that he does not worry but respect and consideration is a two way street. Good luck to you

Answer 6

Double standards are not a good relationship. Bad relationships are not good for the kids. Kids see and hear more than what the parents realize. An unhappy mother is not healthy for the kids either.
You need to have a serious talk with this guy and tell him that the double standards are not going to happen any longer! You need to put your foot down and attempt to make him realize that his actions are not healthy for the children or your relationship. If he does not want to work on his actions and remove the double standards, you and the kids will be better off if you two separate.

Answer 7

No matter how much you believe he doesn't help you with the kids I am sure there are occasions when he does. You WILL be a single mom (since you said you feel like one now) if you leave him and your kids need a dad. Kids need the influence of a mom and a dad in a family especially when they are young.

Now that was me being nice. Here is what I really think-
Don't ruin your kids' life just becuase you chose to get knocked up out of wedlock. You knew this was the way the guy was when you met him so don't punish your kids. Smile and make good until they are out of the house at 18.

Answer 8

Okay here's my story/lecture:

I'm 15 and my parents stayed together "for the kids". You know how bad that hurt us? We walked on eggshells from all the tension all day and everyday. I'm quoting Dr.Phil when I say, "Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one". Seriously, your kids come first and that means getting them out of a bad environment.

You're young and at 24 I can see why the dad hasn't changed ...he's not ready ! I mean, you are both WAY young and you two should both sit down and talk about how this relationship isn't working.

Please, just don't stay in this relationship for the kids.

I'm begging you.


It leaves scars.


And if worse come to worse it leaves them physically and from themselves.

Answer 9

Sounds like you have inadvertantly trained this guy that his behavior is tolerable, until now. So retrain him. Tell him all of this that you told us. Explain that you really don't want to split up, especially for the children but that the way things are going you're afraid the arguments also will affect them. You do need "you" time, if only to remain healthy for your kids' sakes. You have allowed him all the "him" time he needs all this time, he should return the favor. Obviously you haven't needed as much or this would have gotten to you a lot sooner! Trust me, I've been a single married mom once myself.
If you have to, schedule nights out for both of you, singly and together, Im sure his mom will be happy to babysit!
As for him taking the kids to his mom's, does he just dump them on her or go there so she can help? If he dumps them you have a valid point. If he stays there with them, does it really matter? You get time out, granny gets time with the grandkids, and dad doesnt feel overwhelmed. Low stress situation all around!

Answer 10

Yes, heres some advice, tell him your about ready to leave and you want to go to counseling. If he refuses to go or fights you on it then leave! Being a single mom is a struggle but its a wonderful thing. I'm a single mom. I left and he told me i'd come crawling back! Well, he wanted back and the best revenge is always success. Do what you have to do and don't look back. I didn't and now my kids are in college and I'm footing the bill, have a home, nice car and a great boyfriend.

Answer 11

Sounds like he hasn't grown up and accepted the responsibility of being a dad. He needs to either get his act together or he will end up losing you. And when you hit him up for child support, he will really be crying. Right now, he's no different than a deadbeat dad. He may provide for them financially, but he doesn't provide for their other needs. Try talking to his mom and see if she can get through to him. Don't make any kind of threats to her concerning him. Just ask if she can help get him to be more responsible. Let her know what is going on. Hopefully, with her being a mom too, she will be able to knock some sense into him.